It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Mourning My Losses

A lot has been going on since the last time I posted, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. First of all I found out the whole going back to spirit and being an assistant manager thing is probably not going to happen. There was some kind of mix up about what store I’d be working at and the one they wanted me at is just too far away to make it to every day. My chances of getting picked back up by the one nearby are probably slim to none, because I jumped ship on the manager last year to work at a different store that gave me more hours. So I’m back where I started again, and it really had me pretty down and depressed the last week or so.  I felt pretty damn hopeless to be honest, and it triggered quite a few bad feelings in me. 

I came to a pretty sad realization; that my options are severely limited right now as far as careers go. I started thinking about what I gave up in order to transition. I don’t admit it very often, but I have lots of things that I regret giving up on for personal happiness. I spent the better part of my life with the intention of joining the military, and that’s probably the biggest sacrifice I made. It was my failsafe if all else failed, and then I realized I needed to transition and I sort of gave up on it after that point. It didn’t really mean that much to me until lately, because I guess I never really mourned the loss. The realization that it will never be an option again for me based solely on the fact that I’m trans hurts a lot, and I had never looked at it that way before now.

It’s probably going to stir up some controversy for me to say that, seeing as I am pretty staunchly anti-war, but it is possible to hate the politics of the war without hating those who must fight it. My incentives have no self-righteous “America is the best” reasons behind it. A lot of my older family members served in WWII, and I grew up looking up to them, thinking of them as my heroes. They were who I aspired to be like, and I did and still do like to think, that should such an occasion as it was back then ever arise again, I could follow their example and do the same. Things are not so cut dry anymore, our enemies are all over the place; it’s not one country against another anymore. I don’t support the majority of US foreign policy, but I’d fight to protect my homeland and those who couldn’t defend themselves. 

That’s what I always wanted out of military service; to serve my country and feel as though I was protecting people. I’ve been around enough military people in my time to know that they are just as diverse as any other group of people, some are bad and some are good, but I’m sure most would agree with, and feel the same as me about why they serve. I don’t expect anyone to ever fully understand why I would do it if I could; maybe I just have an outdated sense of things. But I guess the point is it will never happen, and the option has been dead and buried for years now. I threw away the potential of a very rewarding career as a soldier, and I could have been a damn good one at that, but I made the decision, and now I have to live with it. I have to move on and find some other career to be an outlet for my want to help and protect people. 

I have cried, been angry with myself, angry with my country, and angry at the military over all this the last few days, most of it all at once. Unless the military suddenly makes provisions for trans people to serve and not boot us at the mere mention of GID, I have to move on. I’ve done the mourning I never did all those years ago. The desire will forever be with me, and I guess it’s comforting on some level to think that I could still do it. I just have finally found closure and accepted things for what they are. I have finally let myself feel regretful for this after many years of telling myself that I shouldn't. I didn't transition to trade the repression of who I am for the repression of a life long goal. I take a degree of solace in the fact that I could have joined, would have, and still would if I could. I don’t know where this life will take me, I’ve got a lot of it left to live, and I’m sure plenty of it will be interesting. My only real option is to tough it out and hope someone decides to take a chance and hire me at some crappy minimum wage job. Then I suppose use that as a stepping stone to move up. It’s not what I wanted out of life, but I have to do what I have to do.

I will always support those in the military, especially those trans people who have served and who are currently serving. I look up to you, and I wish I could have joined you. You are an inspiration to me, and I hope to many others. It’s a pretty thankless job in this day and age, but I want to say thank you for your service, because it does mean something to me. 

That’s right, I am an American citizen who is transgender, a democratic socialist, pro-military, antiwar, pro-gun rights, pro-choice, all for legalizing weed, and I think Obama has done a pretty good job. I believe in the principles this country was founded on, and I completely disagree with the way many in our government have been driving it into the ground the past 30 or so years. The people who serve in the military that protect us and help to guarantee  the rights and civil liberties that our constitution grants us, are what give me the freedom to openly say that and everything that I do on here. That is why I appreciate them.