It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What Am I Doing Wrong?

So, I’ve had a question running through my head for a good part of the day now. I have a job interview later today, and once again the subject comes up of whether or not to mention that I’m trans during the interview. So far I haven’t for any that I’ve had, and I’ve also had no luck with getting a job. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or not well enough. I prepare myself as much as possible, but no amount of that is ever enough for to keep a question or two from throwing me off. I know that’s normal, and that they try to do that, but I just wish I had more answers. I can go in and walk out thinking I’m sure that I’ve got it, and never hear back only to call later and find out they hired someone else.

I know my experience level is probably my biggest obstacle. I worked retail for 5 months, a lot of places want you to have at least a years worth of retail experience to be hired. My other 2 jobs can technically be called retail, and some aspects of them were the same, but I know that not everyone sees it like that. The reality is that I’ve got experience, but just not enough. I’ve got enough to get an interview, and my guess is unless I absolutely blow them away during it they have no intentions of hiring me unless no one better comes along.

I hate the way things are in this country. I’ve been out of work for 3 months now, and I’ve been applying to jobs for 4 months. I’ve put in damn near 100 applications and only gotten 6 interviews so far. I’m not throwing in the towel though; I know interviews mean I have a chance, so as long as there’s another one coming there’s hope. I just need something soon. I only have enough money to pay for 1 more months rent, and then I’m flat broke. I don’t know what’s going to happen if I get to that point.

The reality that’s smacking me in the face right now is, I’m trans, don’t pass perfectly all the time, have no job and little money, and only the bare minimum of work history. I’m scared out of my mind that I’m not going to get a lucky break in time. I can’t make Stef pay the entire rent by herself; we’ll be living on like 100 bucks a month if that happens. I’m over qualified for fast food, under qualified for most jobs I see ads for out there, and apparently not impressive enough in an interview for a job that I can do. What the hell am I supposed to do? If things don’t improve soon enough I’ll be living at the nearest homeless shelter.

Going back to my grandparents is not an option. If I do, it’s as good as putting a bullet through my head. I love them, and miss being able to see them and the rest of my family, but there is no future for me there. There aren’t enough jobs down there period, let alone one for someone like me. Dropping anchor there means I failed, and it means there is no chance of leaving again. My resources have been exhausted, and the next time I go there to live, I fear may be the last time I have somewhere to come back from. So yes, a homeless shelter in this area would be preferable to going back there. So long as I’m in the area, I stand a chance at finding a job.

Staying positive is hard right now, and I’m doing my best at it, but all the positive thoughts in the world can’t make someone give me a job. I’ll just keep on doing my best and hoping things work out. That’s all I really can do. I'm probably not going to mention anything about being trans during the interview, because I feel that it's something best discussed if I'm hired since it has no effect on my job performance. I just wish that counted for something. Do I leave someone wondering or do I flat out tell them and hope they're sympathetic? That's my dilemma, it's sad but true.


indigojester said...

I was thinking of you lately. Things are so bad here too (Greece) you would not believe it.
For what is worth, I asked my runes about your job situation. The divination tells me you should cleanse yourself on the inside, shed light on something you don't want to admit or you deny. And try not to make decisions while under stress because you will make the wrong decisions and deceive yourself about your motives, thus creating worse problems than the ones you have.
What is it inside that you need to shed light on? That you don't want to see, or need to cleanse? Guilt? Fear? A self fulfilled prophecy or failure? I have no way of knowing, but you need to get rid of it, it has no place in your life and it does not express the person you are trying to become.
Us girls, after all, have our way of helping ourselves with a little hocus pocus. I am sure you have your ways too, my dear sweetheart.
Keep up your faith, nobody and nothing can stop you if you do.
My thoughts with you...

flow said...

good luck with it, Sage.

maybe set your sights higher? you are a bit too articulate and smart for retail.