It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I’m on a roll with my writing right now, so for sake of using a little more this energy spurt I’ve been on for a few days, I’m going to write another political commentary. I’ll try to keep it fairly short, but the news lately has just been laughable. What I’m laughing at is the accusations by the church and republicans that Obama is waging a war on the church. By war they mean he made religious organizations insurance providers offer women contraception if the company policy didn’t include it. That’s a real war alright, more like the war on women. Every single person I’ve seen speaking out against it is a man. Not one single woman seems to be involved in the opposition.

I find it shameful that this is what we focus on in our politics, birth control. Religious organizations can offer Viagra to men with ED, but god forbid a women get birth control. How does that make any sense? Men who can’t get boners have a medical condition, but women that don’t want to get pregnant aren’t anything important. Double standard much? I believe Jon Stewart said it perfectly last week on the Daily Show. “You’re confusing the war on religion with not always getting what you want”. Thank god someone said it on national television!

These people get all in a big fuss over the supposed war on religion, but what about our war on verb? By verb I mean the act of terrorism, which we are somehow waging a war against. Terrorism seems to only include Islamic extremist related terrorism. I don’t know what these people have been smoking, or maybe they don’t smoke enough. Either way they need serious help. It’s like they said on South Park, you might as well accept the fact that when you vote the choice is always going to be between a giant douchebag and a turd sandwich. At least if you vote republican it will be.

In conclusion, go Obama with your reforms, I fully support what he’s trying to do lately. As for the republicans, I urge them to seek out psychiatric help, they have more issues than national geographic.

Getting Back on Track

I'm wishing I could afford therapy right now. After last months realizations I just haven't been myself, or more like I've been someone I thought I had overcome. I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but I've been struggling with the desire to cut myself again, as well as the usual stuff. I can only assume that my realizations about how well I pass are what triggered it after all this time. I haven't intentionally harmed myself since September 2010, but something pulled the addiction back out of the recesses again.

I'll start with saying that I haven't done it again, but the urge to has come back with a vengeance. It's honestly past the worst by a couple of weeks, but it's not something I really wanted to write about at the time. I came very close though, and if it wasn’t for me eventually opening up to Stef about it, I may have done it. I think at this point I can say that I successfully fought off the attack. I haven’t felt it that strong in years, so it’s honestly been scaring the hell out of me.

I think I may know what helped to alleviate things, but I won’t go into that on here. It’s honestly not something I should make a habit of doing regularly either, but it’s far less destructive to myself. On top of that I filled up quite a few pages in a journal I keep, and wrote a poem or two. Writing seems to be what I’m hooked on lately, more so than painting. I seem to gravitate more towards writing when my anxiety gets out of control for some reason.

I’ve given up putting the full story on here anymore. In this case I prefer to write it and hide it away, if for no other reason than what I write when I’m in that state of mind doesn’t sound like me. Dare I say, I’m not myself when I’m having an attack like that. In a nutshell, I regret the first time I ever took a blade to my skin. If I had known it would lead to years of self mutilation and addiction, I’d have never started. It is the scourge of my life, and I wish more than anything that I could just stop having the desire to cut myself.

Sadly it’s not that easy. I did spend years harming myself, it took me a long time to stop, but I did it. As much as I like to think of myself as having recovered, this recent attack proves that I’m nowhere near as recovered as I’d like to believe. I do have to come to terms with the fact that I will always have to deal with this addiction, no matter how many years it’s been since I last did it. The urge and desire to fall back into my old habits will always haunt me, and I have to fight like hell against it. For now it’s back to manageable level, I weathered the storm, and it’s time to get back on track.

I’ve been fighting off the depression again lately, but I think I came up with something to help today. I decided to actually pull out some pretty girly clothes and wear them around the house all day. Normally I end up wearing what I sleep in all day, which consists of one of my old guys big t shirts, and a pair of long leg pajama bottoms, nothing too special. It’s not particularly girly looking, and looking at that day in and day out I know doesn’t help my self image very much right now. Thankfully today seems to have helped a little, I didn’t bother with make up or anything, but for some reason it made me feel better.

My guess is I needed a little reminder of why I started this to begin with. Girlying myself up a bit more than usual seems to have brought that back. Hopefully now I can concentrate more again on the things that really matter, mainly getting a job. I’m getting desperate for one now, so I hope the job market is starting to pick up. Also, here's a copy of one of the poems I wrote when things were at their worst.

The Girl With Crimson Eyes

I still recall my first glimpse of her,
this alluring girl with crimson eyes.
I was still so young, yet curiously intrigured.
it strangely felt so good when she was there,
and though I knew that our love would be taboo,
I fell for her, I fell hard indeed.

we only grew closer as the days turned to weeks and months,
she had this hold over me, something I could not explain.
when life sought to break me, she was there as comfort.
in her arms I was held as I cried inside,
and when it was over, she was still there,
leaving scars as a reminder of her love.
she was my first true love, my one and only.
she made me feel like no other could.

what a pair we were, this girl and I.
though I would often stray from her,
she was always there when I came back with a heavy heart.
I knew she could kill me if she so desired,
but I let her under my skin, and trusted her with my life.

the years rolled by as the love hate relationship flourished,
she was mine, and I was hers.
what a jelous mistress she truely came to be,
driving off any who would seek to take her place.
I was left with few, if any friends,
most who got close were frightened away by her.

I knew I had to let her go,
I knew I needed her out of my life,
but I just couldn't rid myself of her.
the more I struggled the tighter her grip became.
I longed for her deeply,
but I despised her for stealing so much of my life away.
on and on the battle went, she came and went so often,
but I finally rid myself of her grasp.

the years have gone by,
with only sparse reminders of her slipping in from time to time,
but now she's back for me,
back to reclaim what's hers.
I resist, but I can feel the need for her touch,
it's burning in my veins.
she's begging for me back;
just one more embrace for old times sake.
it sounds so wonderful, but I can't give in.

she haunts me day and night in her struggle to reclaim me,
trying to break my will a little at a time.
I am resisting the temptation, hard as it may be,
but I fear I may one day give in again.
I love her, this girl with crimson eyes,
though I want her so bad, it is a love that cannot be.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

For Lack of Anything Better to Talk About

I don't normally talk politics on here, but since I have cable again, it's let me stay a little more up to date on whats going on in the world. By that I mean I can watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again. I don't rely on them for my news, but as far as politics are concerned, they do help to inform me of what the big issues at the moment are. I don't want this post to be a "bash republicans" post, but it's hard not to when the 2 closest choices for their presidential candidate are in a smear off. I may be a little late commenting on it, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Even though I'm neither a democrate of a republican, the way things are going now, I throw my full support behind Obama for another 4 years. At least he's trying to fight to put a little more money in our pockets. By us I mean the large chunk of the population that technically are in poverty. You've got the republican candidates saying shit like it's not an issue because of safety nets to keep you from being on the street. While it is true that those programs are good, I'd much rather be working and making enough money to buy my food without foodstamps. I'd like to be able to pay for rent and feed myself with a little left over to save up. But, apparently safety nets are just fine, they want to discourage us from doing any better, it seems.

What's better, putting someone on welfare and giving them foodstamps, or helping them get back to work so they can earn a decent living and have a chance to be successful in this world? Saying that these systems are enough is like putting a bandage over a gunshot wound, for the moment it may be fine, but in time, without proper treatment, it's going to get worse. That's the problem with politicians these days, they don't try to fix and reform the system, they just put band aids on it and leave it for the next person that gets their job to fix.

I'll say this, Barack Obama may not have done everything we would have liked him to do by now, but he's at least done the major things he promised he would do. We got Osama Bin Laden, something the Bush administration seemed to fail miserably at. He pulled us out of Iraq, and while fawed and in need of reworking, introduced a national heath care option. He's at least trying to make things better, which is more than I see the republican candidates doing.

I swear every single one of them is detached from reality in some way or another. Romney has the lets deregulate everything more and it's all going to be ok attitude, and only seems to know one fucking song. Gengrich is talking about moon bases and acting like he's got the election in the bag, and doing his best to remove his foot from his mouth. Santorum, and to an extent the rest as well, just spouts off his accusations of attacks on the church. Ron Paul is probably the sanest of the bunch, but still has his issues that don't quite add up.

Basically, I'd rather keep the guy that's making the effort to move this country forward. All it seems the republicans want to do is set us farther and farther back. I don't want billionares running this country. They talk about wanting the same for everyone, but everyone can't be rich. Social classes are what makes the world run, if everyone has the same amount of money, the world stagnates. At the same time the rich shouldn't be allowed to run rampant without a system that can regulate them should they get out of control.

God help us if there's a republican president this time next year. We need reform, regulation, and to focus on fixing our own country. We need another FDR, and I think Obama could come close to that if he gets a second term. I'm not anti republican or pro democrat. I'm anti bullshit, anti stupidity, anti greed, and I hate modern day monopolies. I am pro labor union, pro education, pro reform and regulation, and an isolationist. I am pro whatever gets people off their asses and makes them try to fix the shitty economy that's come to be known as the great recession. I want this country to be what it once was again, only better. The only way that will happen is if we elect people who are willing to try, not those who turn a blind eye to ticking time bombs.