About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Reality

It's been 4 1/2 years since I started down the path of my transition, farther than I could have really imagined when I first started. I've had my good times, and my bad times, but it seems as though reality has finally caught up with me. The reality I have to face, that has been starring me in the face these past few years, is that I really have made very little progress since I went full time in 2008. I've let things stagnate for the last few years, and just doing enough to manage to pass day to day.

I've held it in and kept it to myself for months now, but there were incidents that happened when I was on the job over the fall that brought these things to light. I was called sir by customers on quite a few occasions, and even at one point flat out asked if I was a guy. At the time I had to downplay them because I was at work, and every time I let the downplaying continue after I had left. I did my best to block out the pain I was feeling, because I had realized that I had relied on visual clues this whole time to pass.

My clothes and the fact that I carried a purse, I suppose, had for the most part shielded me from a great deal of being misgendered by strangers. Normally I'd have limited contact with people I didn't know in public, but working at the store brought me in contact people almost constantly. We had to wear aprons and name tags, and the aprons were fairly loose fitting, which meant that it covered my chest pretty well. So it stripped me of one obvious clue, and covered my clothes enough that I'm sure it wasn't immediately obvious they were girls clothes.

What it did was rob me of the clues I had been relying on for so long. I couldn't carry my purse on the sales floor, so it all came down to voice and body language, and a little bit to looks. I normally passed without much issue, but it did happen often enough to bother me. The fact that someone flat out asked me to my face really hit me hard. Of course I said I was a girl and was pretty offended, but inside I just wanted to disappear.

It's a hard reality for me to accept, but it's one I knew about long enough ago that I should have addressed it by now. I don't pass, not without a lot of work before I go out. I've ignored it all I can, but now I can't. The worst part, and what made me suppress it in the first place, is that I can't really do anything about it. Until I have the money to go get the work done that I want, there really isn't a lot I can do aside from make up and possibly a new hair style or something. I have limited options. Recent events have forced this to the surface, and I just had to write to get it out. It's funny how something can be right in front of you, every second of every day, and you ignore it until it blows up in your face.

I never meant to let this much time go by without making any progress, and it's my own fault. I wasted the time, and now it's my burden to bear. The only way I'm going to fix it is by working my ass off to get a job and try to save up. I've got an interview tomorrow, and hopefully it goes well. I've got a lot of regrets in my life, and I guess I can just add this one to them. Oh well, no one ever said life transitioning would be easy, so I guess I just have to grin and bear it and keep moving forward, the world won't stop for me to play catch up. I'm going to give it my all once again to make shit happen, one hundred percent and then some.

I hide behind this facade; this fantasy.
it protects me from the cold harshness of the world.
It is strong and built to last forever,
but find it's weak spot
and it will all come crashing down.
All the walls in the world, and
all the masks on the wall,
won't hide me from my nightmare.

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