It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Hope For a Better Future

It’s been a while since I last posted, and I know I said I was giving things a rest for a while, but the writing bug never ceases to bite when I have idle time on my hands. My job is shit as of now, so I’ve got more free time to sit around and write than I’d like. I’ve got until the 8th, and everything is essentially over, with any luck they’ll keep us on to break the store down and pack up, which may buy me another week or so. That’s only if I get lucky, but either way in 2 weeks the show is officially over. I’m back to the exact same thing I was over the summer, stressed out as hell and applying to as many jobs as possible.

Thanks to corporate and store sales our hours got severely cut, so I’m lucky to work 5- 10 hours a week now. I can’t even pay rent from that, and the only thing that’s saved me is the fact that I was frugal with my earnings and saved up. I’ve got enough to cover my ass on rent for a few months, and then I’m tapped out. So I essentially have a 3 month deadline to get another job, as dictated by my finances. Needless to say it doesn’t leave much room for non-essentials in my life, so sacrifices will have to be made.

I’m pissed off about my work situation, and even more pissed off that I have to make what I write on here so sterile. I’d love to write a blog that spills every little detail about what’s been going on, but the need to preserve my employment, shitty as it may be, prevails. I had hoped that my decision to transfer stores during spirit would pay off in the long run, and it did for a while. I can say that it allowed me to make much more than I would have at my original store, but it seems like the money train has just about run its course.

I like to call my decision sort of an executive decision, I followed the money, and it did indeed pay off. I had no issues or quarrels with my coworkers at the time, but the promise of more work hours outweighed the new friendships made. I have to pay for where I live now, and for far more things than I did this time last year. So my loyalties lie not with new friends so much as what new friend can help put the most money in my pocket. It sounds bad, but break everyday life down to its basics, and it is all about the money. I hate that it is, but must adapt to that notion in order to get by.

Call me arrogant or selfish if you will, but I do think that I deserve more out of my life than I have. I do want to make that a reality someday, one way or another. Regardless of what you think of my opinion, I do believe that I am destined for greater things than making change and bagging things for people. I hope that someday my art may bring me some notoriety and the rewards that I feel I deserve. I am an artist after all. I paint, photograph, and write, to name the top few talents I possess. I do not want them to go to waste, and refuse to let them.

Maybe one of my artistic talents will be what I make my living on one of these days, maybe something else will be. Only time will tell what that is to be. In the meantime I guess I have to suffer through another long and arduous job search. Thankfully this time I’ve got a bit more experience to put on my applications, but I have my doubts that a few months of experience alone will be what saves me. One day things will be different, that I know. Call it a prediction for the future, if you will. I just have to fight like hell for a while to get there.