It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Life Happens

It’s been a while since I last updated things here, and a lot has been going on. The Halloween store is gone now and it’s a toy store, I thankfully got held over to keep working there. Things have been difficult with that though. Because quite a few people got moved over from the other store the hours are pretty shitty right now. We’re all hoping that they improve, but no one seems too optimistic about it. I got lucky the last month or so with spirit, but I don’t know if I will with this. The hours they give us haven’t changed a whole lot, but the number of people to split them between has.

I’ve managed to get decent time out of the last couple of weeks, but I had to tell my manager that I can’t work weekends if I get less than 20 hours a week. Even that’s pushing it. It’s not worth it if I’m spending more on the gas to get me to work on the weekends than I’m making while there. Stef doesn’t work on the weekends, so at that point it’s kind of a pointless trip if it’s not bumping up my hours enough. I don’t understand the need for so many new people when we ran the store just fine with 7 before, but there isn’t much I can do about it.

I’m probably going to start looking for another job soon. It seems like I’m going to have plenty of days at home coming up to do that. I can stand one bad paycheck, but if the hours don’t improve soon I’m going to be barely breaking even between getting myself to work and feeding myself while at work and at home. Thankfully I had the foresight to save up a decent chunk of money while my hours were good the last month or so. It should get us through the rest of the month, but December has to pay off a bit better.

I still like my job, but the news I hear coming down from the top makes me want to look around for other options for the near future. I’ve been hoping they decide to keep the toy store in the mall long term after the holidays, but it has to do well for that to happen. Things have to start picking up quite a bit on sales or it won’t happen. I’m at least going to start looking around to see if any job listings sound more promising.

I’m probably not going to be writing on here as often anymore. This past year has proven to me that my blog has become a bit of a liability. Family and co workers have found it, so in my eyes it has become a place that I can no longer express my true feelings and opinions without fear of repercussions. I have considered making it a private blog that only people who I invite may read it, however in my eyes that defeats the original purpose for creating it in the first place. I am not going to get rid of it, nor am I going to stop posting entirely. My posts will, however, be fewer and more far between.

I’ve come a long way in the four years since I started this blog, and I guess I’ve still got a long way to go yet. I’ve helped quite a few people through this place, which makes me feel like my time in the public eye has been well worth the trouble it has brought me. I do enjoy helping others still, but I feel like the time has come where I must step back for a while and try my hardest to help myself. I will always feel as though I owe the debt of sharing knowledge and counseling others like myself, but for the moment I feel as though that debt has been temporarily settled.

I have to find steady full time work, and try to make the job I have now work out better for me. So for now my life is still in something of a crisis mode. It’s not a desperate urgent struggle at this point, but more like a slow trying to keep my head above the water one. I hate to neglect this place and the people who have faithfully followed my story and cared, but life has just kind of happened. I have to focus on getting myself to a better place.