It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Worrying As Usual

I’m starting to worry about finances again. I only worked 2 days last week and I’m not looking at much better this week either. I should be able to manage a good portion of the rent off my first paycheck, but the next one I know isn’t going to be as good. I love my job, but I have to face the fact that I’m just not getting enough hours to be able to take care of myself. I’m going to try asking for more, but I don’t know if I’ll get them. I’ve heard nothing but good things from my manager; I just hope that I can get more hours by showing that I’m ready and willing to work them.

We’re having car troubles again, just as it seems always happens when things are starting to go well in our lives. Twice in the past few weeks we’ve had to add coolant because the temperature randomly decides to spike. I don’t know if there’s a leak somewhere or what, it makes no sense since her dad checked that out before and said it was fine. I just know that fixing a leaking radiator sounds prohibitively expensive for us right now. I’m always worried about the car breaking down, if something breaks that’s too costly to fix we’re screwed. She can’t get to work and neither can I, and I won’t have the money to contribute to help fix the problem.

I’m starting to consider the possibility of looking for a second job. I hope that I can work something out with my hours so that I won’t need to do so, but plain and simple, I need money. I’m tired of depending on my grandparents and asking them for help when I need some extra cash. I’m tired of having to be on food stamps to feed myself, and I’m especially tired of having to depend on Stef to pay my way with rent. Since I started working I bought her a gift and have paid for a couple of meals, and it felt good to be able to do that. I like being able to give her gifts and to say don’t worry I’ll pay.

All I want is self sufficiency. It’s something that’s eluded me for years, and now is the time to start changing that. I never wanted to grow up and have to be responsible for myself; I still act like a kid most of the time. I just can’t go on like that forever, as much as I want to, I can’t afford it. I’m at a point in my life where most of the crutches I’ve leaned against for years have broken. When the last one breaks I’ll fall if I don’t make the effort to prevent it ahead of time. Growing up sucks, but I have someone else depending on me now, and I can’t let her down.

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