It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Crappy Saturday

So, yesterday morning we decided to go to into town and stop by a few places to pick up some stuff I needed. I also wanted to run by work and see if there was any chance I could put in a few hours if they were busy, and check my schedule for next week. We got up a little early so there would be plenty of time. When we got outside I noticed a small wet spot under the front of the car. I touched it with my finger and it was brown. We decided to put some coolant in just in case, since the spot wasn’t very big. We had been having a problem where the coolant kept getting low but we never noticed where any was leaking out. Her father had checked it out last month and tested it to see if it held pressure, it passed the test somehow. So we’ve been completely baffled at how a coolant system that holds pressure could be leaking coolant in such a way that we didn’t notice.

Anyway, we went ahead and stopped by Walmart first of all like we had planned. I wanted some insoles for the shoes I wear to work. When we finished up there and came out to the car and there was a big brown puddle under it. Needless to say at this point we knew there was most definitely a leak. We put more coolant in and took it to a service station to face the music. Of course there was a leak in the radiator and it needed to be replaced. From what the person quoted her at first we thought it would be around 450ish.

Her family picked us up and stayed at their house the rest of the day. Her mother talked her into letting her pay and we just pay it back later. Stef was worried about over drafting her account, so thankfully her mom really helped us out. It turned out to be a good idea; somehow the final cost was $655. I had already called my grandparents up and asked for 200 dollars to try to help the situation, so I guess that’s our first payment to her mom. I even went by work and tried to see if I could work the rest of the day, but that didn’t work. I need a second job, desperately. Thankfully the car is ok for now, but it’s just a matter of time before something else needs to be fixed. She’s considering getting a new car, but that’s a whole other story at this point.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Worrying As Usual

I’m starting to worry about finances again. I only worked 2 days last week and I’m not looking at much better this week either. I should be able to manage a good portion of the rent off my first paycheck, but the next one I know isn’t going to be as good. I love my job, but I have to face the fact that I’m just not getting enough hours to be able to take care of myself. I’m going to try asking for more, but I don’t know if I’ll get them. I’ve heard nothing but good things from my manager; I just hope that I can get more hours by showing that I’m ready and willing to work them.

We’re having car troubles again, just as it seems always happens when things are starting to go well in our lives. Twice in the past few weeks we’ve had to add coolant because the temperature randomly decides to spike. I don’t know if there’s a leak somewhere or what, it makes no sense since her dad checked that out before and said it was fine. I just know that fixing a leaking radiator sounds prohibitively expensive for us right now. I’m always worried about the car breaking down, if something breaks that’s too costly to fix we’re screwed. She can’t get to work and neither can I, and I won’t have the money to contribute to help fix the problem.

I’m starting to consider the possibility of looking for a second job. I hope that I can work something out with my hours so that I won’t need to do so, but plain and simple, I need money. I’m tired of depending on my grandparents and asking them for help when I need some extra cash. I’m tired of having to be on food stamps to feed myself, and I’m especially tired of having to depend on Stef to pay my way with rent. Since I started working I bought her a gift and have paid for a couple of meals, and it felt good to be able to do that. I like being able to give her gifts and to say don’t worry I’ll pay.

All I want is self sufficiency. It’s something that’s eluded me for years, and now is the time to start changing that. I never wanted to grow up and have to be responsible for myself; I still act like a kid most of the time. I just can’t go on like that forever, as much as I want to, I can’t afford it. I’m at a point in my life where most of the crutches I’ve leaned against for years have broken. When the last one breaks I’ll fall if I don’t make the effort to prevent it ahead of time. Growing up sucks, but I have someone else depending on me now, and I can’t let her down.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Doing What it Takes

I made it through the first week of work pretty well. I managed to put in a full 40 hours, something I haven't been able to do before. It wiped me out, but the weekend helped. We hung out with a friend after work Friday night and went to a few places around town. We checked out the art walk they have on first Fridays, which gave me a bit of inspiration. Then we went to a couple of bars, and I found out that a couple of vodka and redbulls will help wake me up to go most of the night. I still crashed when I got home, but it was worth it. We stayed home the rest of the weekend, didn't too much very special.

I've come to realize since I started working that it's really helped keep my spirits up. I knew it probably would, but I guess the fact that I found a job with people I enjoy being around really helps. I think I got more than I asked for in that sense. It felt kind of weird at first to suddenly be around people that all knew each other and were like a family, but I feel like I'm working my way into that. It's only been a little over a week and I already feel at home.

I just wish I could get more regular hours in. I managed to pull an 8 hour day today, but I'm not supposed to come back in until Thursday this week. The store hours changed around a bit since we opened, so I'm struggling to put in a full week now. I'm on call to possibly come tomorrow or Wednesday, and I'm hoping that I get called in. The more I work the more money I can make to help us out. I know me getting a job has helped Stef not stress out so much, and if I can put in a full 40 hours a week I know I can make enough to cover my half of the rent. Also I like having something to do all day, it keeps me from getting too bored. I've been pretty restless all night because I don't know what to do with myself for the next 2 days

I'm going to see if there's any chance I can work this weekend, I need all the hours I can get. I'm not allowed to work more than 40 a week, so I need to work all of them that I can. I know it's a bit much to want to jump from having no job to working full time, but it's what I need. I need the income to make things work, I don't want to go back to my grandparents. I don't care how tired it makes me at the end of the day, I'll do what it takes to take care of her and make sure we have everything we need.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Working Towards the Goal

I'm doing pretty well with work so far. It's been a few days and I have no major complaints, it's rather tiring but I've honestly had worse jobs. It's way better than working outside all day in the middle of the summer like I used to do. I'm hoping to get in a full 40 hours this week, and every week possible. I don't really want to do overtime for the sake of not burning out. I'm liking everyone at work so far, and I'm doing my best to make sure I earn my pay.

I hope this will be a step in the right direction to get better jobs in the future. I want to get something that will give me vacation and sick days. I do like the fact that I pretty much always have something different to do through out the day, it keeps the day from seeming like it drags by. It just feels nice to get a chance to prove that I'm worth hiring, something no one else wanted to do for me. I'm working hard to make sure I keep the job. Instead of waiting around to be told to do something I go ask what needs to be done. I like to think it will look good for me. Here's hoping it continues to go well for me. Stef is worried about running low on money, but finally I can tell her to just hold on and I'll get paid. We can finally split the rent and have some extra cash between us.