It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Just Thinking

I'm trying to stay positive about things lately; it's been rather hard. The job hunting hasn't been going well at all; I've got a few promising leads, but nothing that’s really panned out yet. I’ve put around 30 or so applications in so far and none of them had given me any real hope. Most places it seems are either not looking for anyone, or I seem to be just a little too late to get in on it before they hire someone else. I’m hoping my luck starts improving soon, because it’s depressing not even getting a chance at an interview. At least if I did I would feel like I had actually tried my best to get the job if I still got turned down. I won’t give up though, there are plenty of places left to try, and sadly I have to keep lowering my standards. I’m just hoping that some place hires me before I run out of places to apply.

It’s really hard with a holiday coming up to know that I can’t go see my family. I’d like to be spending this weekend at my grandparents since I haven’t been able to see them in a while. We just don’t have the extra money to afford a two hour trip right now. It honestly still feels strange saying that I miss my grandparents and want to go back and visit. Obviously part of the reason is because it’s where I grew up and they were more my parents than my own parents ever were to me.

I’ve realized lately though, that another big part of it is just that my dad’s family in general tends to be more stable and grounded. I’ve gotten a lot of flak from them over the years about stuff, but in the end they still welcome me back with open arms when I return, no matter how far away I go or how long I stay. I’ve said many things to them over the years that I deeply regret, but they let it go and tell me it’s ok. At one time I hated them and wanted nothing more than to leave them and the place I grew up behind me forgotten in the dust, now I find myself wishing to spend more time around them.

In contrast my mom’s family tends to be rather unstable. They hold grudges, are suspicious of each other, and very impulsive. I tried for quite a few years to get close to them, but every time I have I get pushed away. We’ve tried at times over the years to be a family and do family things together, but it never lasts more than a month or two. Then everyone goes back to the same old same old. Maybe one day we can resolve our differences and be a family, but I won’t hold my breath.

A big reason why I want to spend more time with my grandparents is because I want to know my family history. They are the ones I desperately want to hear things from. My grandfather’s sister is 100 this year, there’s so much there to find out that I don’t want to pass up the opportunity. My dad’s family is really the only side where I can get solid information for both sides of my grandparent’s family. I know in the end it doesn’t matter much, but me being a history person, I want to know where I come from. I want to know as much as possible, and I can think of no other reason other than I’m curious and want to know.

This reminds me of an episode from an old Disney series I used to watch when I was younger called So Weird. In my opinion it was the best tv series they ever put out. It dealt with a young girl who toured the country with her rock star mom and had an interest in and experienced all kinds of paranormal stuff along the way. In the episode I’m thinking of they go to visit her mother’s parents. Her father had always been really cold and distant towards her and rarely ever even said he was proud of her. At on point during the show they argue and the father notices some papers that turned out to be a song she had written for him. It’s called the rock, and her parents being Irish immigrants he asks if it’s about Ireland. She reveals that it is a song she had written for him, but refused to play it when he asked, thinking it wouldn’t change anything if she did. After a little resistance she agrees to play it for him. Here’s a clip from youtube of that song.

It reminds me of my grandparents. The song title is very metaphorical if you listen to the words. The rock refers to her family, and how in spite of their sometimes cold and harsh treatment of her in the end she finds that she still loves them. My grandparents are the rock to me; a safe refuge when life gets turbulent and hard. They’ve hurt me in the past and I’ve tried to hate them, but in the end they turn out to be the very thing that saves me.

1 comment:

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