It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Just Thinking

I'm trying to stay positive about things lately; it's been rather hard. The job hunting hasn't been going well at all; I've got a few promising leads, but nothing that’s really panned out yet. I’ve put around 30 or so applications in so far and none of them had given me any real hope. Most places it seems are either not looking for anyone, or I seem to be just a little too late to get in on it before they hire someone else. I’m hoping my luck starts improving soon, because it’s depressing not even getting a chance at an interview. At least if I did I would feel like I had actually tried my best to get the job if I still got turned down. I won’t give up though, there are plenty of places left to try, and sadly I have to keep lowering my standards. I’m just hoping that some place hires me before I run out of places to apply.

It’s really hard with a holiday coming up to know that I can’t go see my family. I’d like to be spending this weekend at my grandparents since I haven’t been able to see them in a while. We just don’t have the extra money to afford a two hour trip right now. It honestly still feels strange saying that I miss my grandparents and want to go back and visit. Obviously part of the reason is because it’s where I grew up and they were more my parents than my own parents ever were to me.

I’ve realized lately though, that another big part of it is just that my dad’s family in general tends to be more stable and grounded. I’ve gotten a lot of flak from them over the years about stuff, but in the end they still welcome me back with open arms when I return, no matter how far away I go or how long I stay. I’ve said many things to them over the years that I deeply regret, but they let it go and tell me it’s ok. At one time I hated them and wanted nothing more than to leave them and the place I grew up behind me forgotten in the dust, now I find myself wishing to spend more time around them.

In contrast my mom’s family tends to be rather unstable. They hold grudges, are suspicious of each other, and very impulsive. I tried for quite a few years to get close to them, but every time I have I get pushed away. We’ve tried at times over the years to be a family and do family things together, but it never lasts more than a month or two. Then everyone goes back to the same old same old. Maybe one day we can resolve our differences and be a family, but I won’t hold my breath.

A big reason why I want to spend more time with my grandparents is because I want to know my family history. They are the ones I desperately want to hear things from. My grandfather’s sister is 100 this year, there’s so much there to find out that I don’t want to pass up the opportunity. My dad’s family is really the only side where I can get solid information for both sides of my grandparent’s family. I know in the end it doesn’t matter much, but me being a history person, I want to know where I come from. I want to know as much as possible, and I can think of no other reason other than I’m curious and want to know.

This reminds me of an episode from an old Disney series I used to watch when I was younger called So Weird. In my opinion it was the best tv series they ever put out. It dealt with a young girl who toured the country with her rock star mom and had an interest in and experienced all kinds of paranormal stuff along the way. In the episode I’m thinking of they go to visit her mother’s parents. Her father had always been really cold and distant towards her and rarely ever even said he was proud of her. At on point during the show they argue and the father notices some papers that turned out to be a song she had written for him. It’s called the rock, and her parents being Irish immigrants he asks if it’s about Ireland. She reveals that it is a song she had written for him, but refused to play it when he asked, thinking it wouldn’t change anything if she did. After a little resistance she agrees to play it for him. Here’s a clip from youtube of that song.

It reminds me of my grandparents. The song title is very metaphorical if you listen to the words. The rock refers to her family, and how in spite of their sometimes cold and harsh treatment of her in the end she finds that she still loves them. My grandparents are the rock to me; a safe refuge when life gets turbulent and hard. They’ve hurt me in the past and I’ve tried to hate them, but in the end they turn out to be the very thing that saves me.

Friday, June 24, 2011


There hasn’t been much to write about lately. I’m still searching for a job, putting in as many applications as I can, and just taking life one day at a time. I’ve been a bit homesick, but with any luck I’ll get a chance to see my family again before long. I’ve neglected my blog a bit in the last few weeks, honestly just because things got a bit busy.

I’ve been rather focused on my spirituality the last week or so. The solstice seemed to have the effect on me. I’ve been frustrated with my job search and financial situation, not to mention the ties that have been severed between very close family members and me. It’s all been weighing on my mind and causing nightmares and bad dreams. I did a small ritual for the solstice, nothing anywhere near what I normally try to do. I left a small offering and sat and meditated a bit. It’s done a great deal to get me back in the habit of appreciating the things I have more.

I have a wonderful girlfriend that I wouldn’t trade for the world, even with all her faults. Thanks to her I have a home that’s really nice, and not in the middle of nowhere away from potential jobs. We ended up having awesome roommates that we cam sit and talk and joke with for hours. I have a few good leads on jobs that I may stand a chance at getting, and quite a few other things that are just too numerous to list. As I’ve sat here typing this even, Megan and I seem to have reconciled our differences. Life isn’t so bad when I look at it that way. It could be far worse, and thank the gods it’s not.

Depression still gets to me quite a bit, even in the days since Tuesday, but for some reason tonight I am calm and at peace. The feeling won’t last for too long, but it’s one I will cling to for as long as I can. It’s not often I can say this and truly mean it, but life almost seems too short when I think of all the amazing things, people, and places (the amazing nouns lol) that I am yet to experience. Life is beautiful, no matter how bad things get, I know if I hold on a while longer they will get better. It’s funny how focusing on my spirituality seems to clear up the static in my head and let me see things in a more positive light. Maybe I’m just fooling myself into being happier with false hope, but I’ll take whatever gets me through life a little happier.

Just a song that inspired me a bit that I thought I would share.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Got Them Back

Today went very well at my meeting for food stamps. We got there about a half hour early, but that ended up working out for me. They had me in and out by the time my appointment was actually set for. I think they intended to give them to me before I even talked to them. All they asked to see was my ID, and proof of residence (piece of mail sent me at this address). I got asked about my SSI case, but there wasn't much to tell. It's sort of a lost cause now. There was nothing in the records to suggest that it had been denied, but at this rate I'll probably find a job before I hear anything about it period. Because I still had my card I was able to get the money loaded on today within an hour of leaving the office.

I'm so glad that went so well, I can rest a little easier knowing that I'll have that 200 a month for food. It helps take a bit of the burden off of Stef, since now I can buy us groceries. It also means that I can start eating fairly healthy again, there's only so much you can do to raman in a microwave to make it better than it was the 10 times before. I'll be so glad when I can go grocery shopping tomorrow and stock up on some good food. That's one problem caused by my family that's been fixed, now if only I can figure out what to do to stop the bad dreams I've been having about them ever since I was thrown out. That's nothing new though, seeing as it was happening well before all of that. I guess I'll get over it in time.

Anyway that's about all for now. I'm still job hunting and waiting for call backs from a few places, but with any luck I'll get one before long.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Working Things Out

Everything is still going fairly well for Stef and I. Life is actually rather uneventful lately, which is actually a welcome experience after all the bullshit that went down a couple of months ago. The worst that's happened recently is a little plumbing trouble, that seemingly has resolved itself, and Stef has an ear infection. Thankfully she went to the doctor and is on antibiotics to try and clear it up soon.

Of course for the last month I've been plagued by one problem caused as a result of the family members I was previously living with. They never forwarded any mail that came for me before I put in for a change of address, so I never got my form in the mail to renew my food stamps at the end of March. I didn't know they ran out on me until I went to the store to buy food one day and had only 10 bucks left after the first of May.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to get things resolved. First I was told the case was still open that I had to call the office it was previously at to transfer it here. I did that, then found out 2 weeks later that the case had been closed in April and was never there to transfer in the first place, something the person that took my information to do neglected to mention. I only found out because I called when I got frustrated that nothing had come in the mail for me about it yet. I was then told that I had to reapply here, I went to do that last week and was told I was at the wrong office. I was told to go to some secret hidden away office that was closer and not on the website anywhere. Thankfully I got there, did my paperwork, and I've got my appointment tomorrow to finish up applying. It's pretty much just an interview where they get all my legal info and I try to tell my story in such a way to make feel that I deserve to get them again.

I'm nervous, I really hope they don't look for an excuse not to give them to me again. I'm also hoping I have everything I need as far as papers are concerned. The forms I had to fill out here were twice as long as the ones I had to do last year when I lived at my grandparents. All I can do is wait and see. I'm lucky that we have a roommate that's willing to take me while Stef is at work.

All I can do is try my best to plead my case and hope they think I deserve them. Stef and I are both dropping a bit of weight living off of raman and cereal for the most part. She's been buying food for us so far, and we've only been buying cheap stuff in the hopes that I'll get my foodstamps back soon. I'm hypoglycemic, so it's not good for me to go with out snacking between meals. I need a steady food source, and one that's a bit more balanced than what I'm living on now. We're taking hand outs of food from her mom lately just to give us something better to eat. Thankfully I thought ahead and stocked up on a bunch of tuna, raman, and minute rice before we moved, and that's managing to last for now. Just enough to keep our meals healthy.

I'm hoping for the best tomorrow. If they accept me I should hear about it in a few days and hopefully within a week have them back. If not I'd better hope I get any job soon, just so I can feed myself.