It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


It's been a while since I last posted, so I guess it's time for a few updates on life. I'm not sure where exactly to begin, quite a bit has been going on lately. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll go from the beginning.

I've been having issues with depression again, for the better part of the last 2 weeks. It's stemming mostly from my living situation. The arguing I hear going on with my aunts a lot sort of got it started. I got to the point of holding up in my room for as long as possible during the day without coming out. Honestly, a big part of the reason why is I'm worried about having more stress put on me by them. I sit in my room and avoid everyone because I'm scared of what's coming next.

The last week has done nothing but reinforce that notion and prove my paranoia valid. It started off last Tuesday. I got a knock on my door that woke me up, only to suddenly find out that I had to pay gas money if I wanted a ride to be with Stef for her first appointment at the clinic. It was originally my aunt in law's idea to take me to that, and she offered to do it for free over a month before. The pissed me off and annoyed me, but I took it and said fine. Then five minutes later there's another knock on the door, it's my aunt saying that they're going to visit my mom and won't be back in time to take me. The offer was made by her to cancel their plans, but this was after hearing that they had already made dinner reservations and were about to walk out the door any second. So I did what anyone that doesn't like to cause trouble would do and said don't worry about it. I spent the rest of the day pissed off and depressed, but in the end it's sort of a good thing I didn't go. Stef's appointment was in for the wrong date and she had to make a new one, so her and her friend came down and took me out to dinner. So it was a bit of a consolation for the rest of the day.

The next day was my appointment for SSI at 10:30AM. I went to bed around 3, and before I could even fall asleep my aunt in law knocks on the door crying saying that I had to pay gas to go to that too. The gas money stuff was apparently all my aunt's doing and not her, so I'm not pissed at her. That upset me to the point of having a nervous break down. I find out that anywhere farther than up the street I have to pay gas money to go to from now on too. I was so upset and depressed that I wanted to die. I even pulled a knife out, but didn't do anything. That's not to say I didn't want to, but I promised Stef no more hurting myself. It was a really shitty night, I didn't get to sleep until after 5, my aunt in law stayed up to look after me. I got maybe 2 hours worth of sleep. Take note of the fact that the SSA office is about 15 minutes away and the clinic 20-25 minutes. I consider both places short trips.

I got up the next morning feeling like shit. The first thought in my head was, oh great I'm still here. So I guess it's safe to say I was in a good mood for the meeting, considering I'm applying based on anxiety issues. I was a nervous depressed wreck. Luckily the person I met with was the same one I talked to before when I was there. Everything went pretty well, she told me I did well and wished me good luck. She was sympathetic to things, but I don't guess that means anything since all she really did was gather information. I found out that my grandparents had applied for me back when I was around 5, so maybe that will help my chances.

Everything went ok the rest of the week. Stef came down on Friday like usual, and we went out to Fallout. My membership application got accepted, so I had to go to the club itself to pick up the card. We decided to go Friday night, which went pretty well. We got there early and it wasn't that crowded, so we got a couple of drinks and an order of fries and oogled a hot cage dancer for most of the night. I even ran into a couple of friends there too. Stef seemed to enjoy herself more this time, so since my membership gets us both in free we decided to go more often when she's down. I was doing pretty well after that, and hoping a relaxing weekend would help mend my tattered nerves a bit.

We went out again Saturday night to do some shopping and check out this adult store that I found out I can get a 10% discount at for showing my membership card to Fallout. We originally set out with the intent of possibly going by the club again after there. We went out to baskin robins and got some ice cream while we waited for things to pick up at the club. I got a strange feeling that we shouldn't go and didn't know why, so we decided to just go home instead. I get home to find out that my aunt in law's cable box wasn't working, so she took the one out of my room. Which means Stef and I couldn't enjoy one of our favorite past times of watching tv together for the rest of the weekend. On top of that everything in my room had been rearranged and cleaned.

I was upset and crying over that for a bit, and was just starting to calm down when my aunt asked me to come out and talk to them. I got told that she didn't like me throwing trash in a bag in my room because she's worried about bugs getting in the house. Know that I threw nothing in that bag that would attract bugs, anything with food still on it went in the trash can. It was mostly paper, empty screw top drink bottles, bags, and wrappers. There was one closed bottle in the floor and she apparently didn't like that. So my whole room got cleaned while I wasn't there. I grew up with a small trash can in my room, and I don't feel like walking to the kitchen to throw something away every 5 minutes. I'd rather stick it all in a plastic grocery bag and throw it away all at once later. Excuse me for trying to save some space in the regular trash can. It's not like I planned on leaving it laying on it's side with trash spilling out. I was gone for a few hours and my girlfriend was there, things are a little messy for a weekend, give me break. It's not like I leave it in a mess any other time.

I got lectured about trying to do something with my life and get a job and shit. Apparently applying for SSI, and checking into VA supportive housing wasn't enough. I can't even wait to see if my application goes through. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck the rest of the night. They can say all they want that they don't plan on making me go back to my grandparents, but whether they intend it to be or not, the threat of being kicked out is always there to me. I felt embarrassed and like my privacy had been violated in ways it hadn't been in years. I cried most of the rest of the night until I fell asleep, I'm just glad I had Stef here with me for it all.

My life sucks, in many ways worse than at the grandparents, but I'm not going back if I don't have to. The main reason I want to stay is job opportunities. I'm closer to places that can help me more here, so I'll put up with the insanity in the hopes that I'll find a way out of this trap. I call it that because I came here under the impression that I didn't have to pay anything, that I didn't have to walk on egg shells all the time and feel stressed out, and that they would do anything they could to help get my life on track. So far not much of that has held true to this point. Also because with the stupid alarm on the house I feel trapped and boxed in when it's set.

I hate it when people clean my room for me, sure I may leave it slightly messy and be a bit behind on dusting, but I despise ultra cleanliness. It makes everything feel too clinical and hospital like to me. I like the space I live in to have a homey feel to it, and an organized mess, a little dust, and a cob web or two do that for me. I'm not the cleanest person in the world, but I'm not a slob either. I was forced into a mental hospital at 16, plain white walls bother me, no lock on my door bothers me, everything being super clean bothers me, people going through my stuff bothers me, being told what and what not to do within my own room beyond common sense bothers me. I hate anything that reminds me of that place. The alarm being on at night makes me feel trapped and confined just like I was there, I feel under the microscope all the time.

My life sucks right now, and I'm trying to make it better without losing my mind in the process. My aunts could cater to my brothers every need, but I guess once again I'm expendable. I'm glad I have Stef right now, because having her to comfort and encourage me is probably the only thing getting me through all this.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


I just noticed earlier tonight that I've hit the 100 mark with followers. Well, 101, but I'm just rounding the number out. I never expected to have this many people interested in my blog when I started it 3 years ago. I've come a long way since then, and so has this blog in many ways. I'm happy to say though, that the original purpose has not been lost. My has been, and will continue to be, not just a personal outlet for me, but a source of information for other trans people. I'm glad to know that in some small way, I'm able to reach out to others and let them know they're not alone. I like to think that I've helped quite a few people in my time, and that is worth any and every hardship I may face for being open about myself. I want to thank everyone that follows my blog, because you're the reason I keep writing.

On another note, I've recently come across a new blogger who seems like she could use a little support from the rest of us. Here's hoping I'm not over stepping any boundaries. Her name is Lauren and her blog is http://teenlifetransition.blogspot.com/ . Go over and show some love when you can.

Now for my personal stuff. I got a letter from social security today telling me my appointment for the SSI stuff is on the 16th at 10:30 in the office. It's about fucking time! I'm not counting on a lot at this point, but I'm still going to give it a shot for sake of at least being evaluated. Please people, stop leaving me comments about whether or not I qualify for it. I know there are people out there worse off than me, I don't claim to be the worst. Whether I should get it or not is up to the SSA.