It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Shot Down in Flames

Not only is that a great AC/DC song, but also the perfect description for what just happened to me tonight. Stef and I had made plans weeks ago for her to come visit me valentines day weekend and take that Monday off to spend it with me. Then we decided that I'd just come home with her and stay the week again, then that weekend leave from her house to go visit some friends of hers in Delaware for the weekend. It would save an extra unnecessary trip and some gas money. She was going to ask her mom first, which I didn't think would be a problem considering she had no problem with it when I stayed the week over the holidays. Stef asks her and gets a no. The reason, because her mom has a 4 year old child in the house. Which it seems like suddenly turned into an issue after I already stayed once without incident. So, ever the honorable understanding person I try to be, I messaged her mom on facebook to try and explain my point of view and find out what if anything I had done wrong. Here's what I sent her.

"I hope you don't mind me writing you on here, but it's the only way I know to get in touch with you. Stef and I had been talking about spending valentines day together and going on a trip the next weekend for a while now. I was pretty upset when she told me that I can't come back and spend the week again. As far I know I did nothing wrong when I did over the holidays, and if I did you can tell me. I only left the room to go to the bathroom or get something to eat, otherwise I just slept or played video games. I know that you don't want someone that's a stranger to you around your child, I understand that. You made the comment when I was last there that you didn't know me that well. I'm a bit shy, so I hadn't made the effort to let you get to know me, and that's my fault. If that's the reason then by all means add me on here, message me back and talk to me, read my blog, because I have nothing to hide.

I'm trying to make a career out of my paintings and photography. I grew up with my grandparents because neither one of my parents would take care of me when they divorced. I didn't even know my own mother until I was 17. I made a lot of mistakes in my teens that I'm paying for now, not getting my drivers license being the biggest one. My brother is sitting in jail on statutory rape charges, and honestly I say he put himself there and doesn't deserve my sympathy. The whole thing was pretty stupid seeing as the girl consented, but I don't intend to make the same mistakes that he's made with his life. I'm working on fixing a lot of those mistakes I made, and Stef is trying to help me with that.

It upsets me when I hear how difficult things get at home for her at times. I'm not sure if this will make any difference at all, but I'm doing it for Stef. I saw how upset she was about things and I don't want to see her sad or depressed. I love her, and I really mean that. In all honesty, she's the best person I've ever dated. I'm grateful for getting the chance to spend the week there with her before, and I hope to get the chance to do so again. I don't want her to have to spend the money to make an extra trip to get me 4 days later. Personally I feel like if she pays rent it should be her call to make, but that's just my opinion. I hope you'll reconsider things, because it really means a lot to me to spend time with Stef.


I find out earlier tonight that she's read the message and was pissed off about it for some reason. I talked to Stef about it and apparently she thinks that I see her as some kind of witch and that because she has a small child she doesn't need a real reason to say I can't stay. She wouldn't even message me back because she supposedly thinks it's "childish". Because you know, it's so childish to say get to know me so that I'm not a stranger to you. It's childish to think of the happiness of one of your children other than the youngest. I tried to give her an opportunity to get to know me and she refuses to take it.

I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've stayed there once already during the week, and nothing bad happened. She didn't seem to care that time, so I'd like to know what changed. It's not like I'm a child molester or a murderer or something. I did the right thing, she had an issue with me so I went straight to the source instead of sitting around being pissed off about it. I try to be civil and admit my wrongs and promise to amend them, and what do I get? I get blown off like I'm the scum of the earth. Well now I really am pissed off. If you make someone pay rent to live in your home you give them the right to bring anyone they choose to into the space they rent. Children aren't a factor, especially if they rarely come into contact with the other person there. The only time I saw her little sister was when Stef was at home and right there with me.

So yeah, my offer to get to know me better was officially shot down. I don't know this for sure, and I'm sure her mother probably would never admit it even it is true, but I think she may be jealous of us; jealous because we're happy together. That's the only explanation I can think of as to why a kid wasn't an issue before but suddenly is now. Of course I hope I'm wrong and all this blows over soon. So as it stands, Stef and I have to make another 3 hour long round trip to come back and pick me up 4 days later. Which adds on to the already 3 1/2 hour drive to Delaware. I know I told her mom to read my blog if she wants, because I'm not afraid to stand my ground when I know I'm right. I love Stef, and if she can't accept that and be happy for us then I want nothing to do with her. When you love someone you go the distance for them when it counts. I did just that, and if I were a parent I'd be pretty damn impressed if someone did that for my child.

And to drive the point home, here's a visual aid inspired by my ex which holds true in this case as well. And yes, it's been sold.

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