It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Merry New Year

The holidays went pretty well for me this year. Stef came down to see me on the 23rd for my birthday, which was honestly the best present I could have ever asked for. She stayed with me and my family through Christmas until the 26th, then I went home with her and spend the next 5 days at her house. I stayed home while she went to work, then on Friday I went in to work with her since she only had a half day and people wanted to meet me. I can now vouch for the level of boredom with her job. We came back here that afternoon after she got off from work and she stayed until a few hours ago.

I got about 11 1/2 days to spend with her, and I'm glad I did. It gave me a little insight into how things would be if we had our own place together at some point. We had a few times where we frustrated each other a bit, but nothing that lead to a full out argument. I'm going to consider that a good thing. I know that inevitably we're going to get into arguments and have disagreements over things, but I think we can make it through those. Neither one of us is the type of person to just walk away over nothing.

The job issue and driving came up too, which are probably my biggest worries right now. Driving being my biggest one. She wants me to try to make both happen. She's not going to push me too hard at least. My plan right now is to apply for SSI and claim a mental disability with my anxiety problems. I can get $675 a month with that, which can hold me over while I work with voc rehab to get a job. I'll just stick with that until I can get a job that will let me earn more per month that I'd be getting on disability.

Driving unfortunately won't be as easy to fix. I never got my license, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch. The fact that I have a huge phobia of driving is like the icing on the cake to that one. Stef said she's going to help me with learning, and my family offered too, I just need to learn how to get past the anxiety some way. I see my psychologist tomorrow, so I'm going to bring it up then. I seriously think I need some professional help with it, as embarrassed as I am to admit it. It's been holding me back this long and I know I need to do something about it.

A job will come in time, I'm pretty sure I can make that happen if I keep trying. Driving is going to be harder, unfortunately. I have to learn how while also trying to over come a phobia of it, and even then I have no how to go about getting my license at my age for the first time. I'm scared, but I want to get these things done before they turn into big issues with us. I found someone that I'm happy with, I don't want to let something stupid screw that up for me.


Anonymous said...

Sage, to someone who has claustrophobia, an agoraphobic may seem silly and vice versa. Your fear of driving is not silly, but that's not to say that it's something you can't overcome. You can do anything you want. Bring it up to your psychologist, of course, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

As far as getting your driver's license goes, usually you just have to go to the DMV and take a written, and sometimes a field driving, test. Study for the tests, though. Usually you're not allowed to miss too many questions.

It's so great that you've found someone with whom you have a special bond. I can't tell you how happy I am for you, and to hear that you had such a wonderful holiday :)

Take care of yourself, and have a little fun in the meantime, okay?


Anonymous said...

Oh! Happy Belated Birthday, by the way ;)


syncfreak said...


Don't be embarrassed! You're definitely not alone. I have the same issue, for very similar reasons.

I have gotten to the point of grabbing a learners permit and I have been on a two driving lessons awhile ago.

I would suggest taking some babysteps, and set your sites on the learners permit. It doesn't require any actual driving, just passing test questions, and will get you familiar with what needs to be done.

I've had friends and family who all want to teach me how to drive. Have someone take you to a nice big church or other empty parking lot where there aren't distractions and you can get comfortable behind the wheel, learn how the car feels, etc. Without having to worry about all the triggers that might panic you.


Melissa said...

If you learned ride a bicycle, you can learn to drive a car. It's all quite simple really..........step on the accelerator to go, the brake pedal to slow down or stop, turn the wheel in the direction you want the car to go.

It's a little intimidating at first. until you get a feel for how it all works, but soon it becomes second nature. Practice in your head, by envisioning making short trips to destinations you are familiar with........starting, slowing to a stop at traffic lights, accelerating when the light turns green, making turns, etc. You'll do just fine!

Happy New Year!

Melissa XX