It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

SSI Call...

It should be more like the SSI call that never happened. I was sitting next to my phone for over an hour this afternoon waiting for that call. I got frustrated and called the office number to see if they had forgotten about me. The person I talked to said that I was called several times and there was no answer, my phone never rang! It didn't tell me I had any missed calls, and there was no voice mail. I told them I was sitting there with the phone and never got anything, the best they tell me is that I was called. The best they could do for me was offer me the chance to reschedule my appointment for another day. They at least gave me the option of another phone call or an office appointment; I chose the office appointment. They pissed me off and I'll be dammed if I'm going to miss another appointment. So now I have to sit and wait for who knows how long for something to come in the mail again to tell me when that is. My phone never rang, I had no voice mails, I think someone dialed the wrong number. If there was a voice mail they should have left a message if I didn't pick up. I think it's their fault, because my phone works fine. I called Stef this morning with it and later this afternoon after all the bullshit and it worked fine.

The only light I can make of it is that I get the chance to see my therapist one more time before the appointment and give her the run down of everything. Also I can set more precedence in my psych records. I don't want to say I have a disability, but at this point I have to admit that I do have anxiety and depression problems that need to be addressed more than they are now. To drive my point home I'm going to schedule an appointment to see the psychiatrist in the office of my therapist for an evaluation of any anxiety issues. I don't know what may come of that, but it will be on record if the SSI people pull my psych records that it's going to happen. I would give anti depressants another try if they wanted to put me on them again, same with anti anxiety meds, but I can't afford them. Insurance wants more out of me for my meds than I could go down to walmart and get them for with no prescription. The only way I could afford those on top of my hormones each month is SSI.

The only reason I'm not on anti depressants still is because I refused to take them after months of pretending to. My reasoning at the time was I put on them while in the hospital with the phrase "take them or we can make you take them". Before that I was on ADD meds for like 7 years and was always told take the pill, it's to help you concentrate. I spent most of my life taking meds that I was forced to take. In hindsight I made a stupid move with the anti depressants. I was 17, I didn't really imagine at that time in life that I'd live long enough to experience any consequences from stupid shit I did in my teens.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Life Drags On

I met with my new voc rehab counselor yesterday for the first time. It wasn't much special about it, just tying up loose ends with paper work and getting blank spots filled in. I just email a couple of things to him and I'm set. The slowness of it all just gets to me. Just my luck that I move only to end up in another area without public transportation. It looks like I'm screwed as far as jobs in this area go until I can learn to drive. I don't know yet though, I didn't find out a lot yet. I'm hoping that as I work with them in the office here I'll start finding out what my options are soon. It's all just moving so painfully slow right now I'm practically climbing the walls. I'm being patient though, I've come a long way from where I was 6 months ago. I just have to keep trying and I'll get there.

I suppose I can thank Stef's mom for making me feel inadequate with her bullshit move about me coming over next month. All I wanted to do was save my girlfriend 40 or 50 bucks in gas money, is that so fucking wrong? The fact that I can't drive gets thrown in my face once again. I know I've written about this already, but I can't help but bitch again. I'll continue to bitch about it for as long as I want. Her mom feels like pulling the 4 year old child card on us for some mysterious reason. Wouldn't she like to know that my best friend's parents have a child of similar age and couldn't care less if I were there or not. I also did far worse things at my friend's house than I could do at Stef's house too.

Oh well, I guess there isn't much else I can do about things at this point. I already told Stef that if I can't even be trusted to come over and stay during the week I don't want to spend another holiday with her family. I'd sooner go with her to spend it with her dad's family than spend it with people who blatantly don't trust or respect me. At least her dad's family just kept their mouths shut and left us alone. I don't put up with the kind of passive aggressive bullshit that we're getting from her mom. I didn't put up with it from family, and I'll be dammed if I'll put up with it from hers either. The only thing stopping me from just coming back with her anyway is that I don't want to get her kicked out.

One thing I can promise, and I know Stef agrees with me; once her and I are out on our own together, we're cutting ties with her family completely. If they don't like that, they have no one but themselves to blame. I'm not usually an angry person, or even quick to anger for that matter. However, if you try to keep me from seeing the person I love, you haven't seen anything yet. As far as I'm concerned, her family is the cause of her self esteem and image issues, and I'll do everything in my power to undo what they've done to her over the years.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Another Step in the Right Direction

I drove yesterday for the first time since 2003, and I can thank Stef for pushing me to do it. I did a lot better than I expected to, and actually kind of enjoyed it a bit once I got used to it. She managed to do something no one has ever been able to do with me, make me feel calm and relaxed enough to try again. I don't know what exactly did it, but somehow my anxiety didn't get in the way this time. Honestly, it's probably because for once I have someone encouraging me and pushing me a bit to do it. Also the fact that she told me about small little things that would help me and didn't force too much on me at once helped.

We went down the street to this church parking lot since it was kind of big and empty. I started there and sort of got the feel for things a bit. Some people started showing up and parking and stuff and I decided that I'd rather go somewhere else since it made me a little nervous. We went to a school parking lot that was about half the size of the first one, but that actually turned out to be a good thing. What scared me the most was turning and tight spaces, so it gave me the chance to practice that a bit and get comfortable with it. I did way better than even I though I would do. I only just scuffed the tire on the curb once when I turned a little too tight, otherwise I did fine. She had me practice parking a little too while we were there. Mostly just pulling in and out of spaces and backing in too.

I got to spend around an hour or so behind the wheel driving around, so it was a good experience for me. I got a lot more comfortable being behind the wheel and getting the feel for things. I'm at a point where I feel like I can keep going and learn. Until now no one it seems has had enough faith in me to make me believe I could do it, one more reason I know that being with Stef is a good thing for me. It's going to take some time and patience, and a lot more practice, but I'm hopeful that in time I'll get it. I'm nowhere near confident enough to get out on the road yet, but I finally have the confidence in myself to keep at it until I feel like I am.

It's embarrassing to say that I'm 23 and just now learning to drive, but at least I'm finally getting there. It's just the first step, but hopefully the first of many that I'll take. I'm getting there, and I won't stop until I do.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Shot Down in Flames

Not only is that a great AC/DC song, but also the perfect description for what just happened to me tonight. Stef and I had made plans weeks ago for her to come visit me valentines day weekend and take that Monday off to spend it with me. Then we decided that I'd just come home with her and stay the week again, then that weekend leave from her house to go visit some friends of hers in Delaware for the weekend. It would save an extra unnecessary trip and some gas money. She was going to ask her mom first, which I didn't think would be a problem considering she had no problem with it when I stayed the week over the holidays. Stef asks her and gets a no. The reason, because her mom has a 4 year old child in the house. Which it seems like suddenly turned into an issue after I already stayed once without incident. So, ever the honorable understanding person I try to be, I messaged her mom on facebook to try and explain my point of view and find out what if anything I had done wrong. Here's what I sent her.

"I hope you don't mind me writing you on here, but it's the only way I know to get in touch with you. Stef and I had been talking about spending valentines day together and going on a trip the next weekend for a while now. I was pretty upset when she told me that I can't come back and spend the week again. As far I know I did nothing wrong when I did over the holidays, and if I did you can tell me. I only left the room to go to the bathroom or get something to eat, otherwise I just slept or played video games. I know that you don't want someone that's a stranger to you around your child, I understand that. You made the comment when I was last there that you didn't know me that well. I'm a bit shy, so I hadn't made the effort to let you get to know me, and that's my fault. If that's the reason then by all means add me on here, message me back and talk to me, read my blog, because I have nothing to hide.

I'm trying to make a career out of my paintings and photography. I grew up with my grandparents because neither one of my parents would take care of me when they divorced. I didn't even know my own mother until I was 17. I made a lot of mistakes in my teens that I'm paying for now, not getting my drivers license being the biggest one. My brother is sitting in jail on statutory rape charges, and honestly I say he put himself there and doesn't deserve my sympathy. The whole thing was pretty stupid seeing as the girl consented, but I don't intend to make the same mistakes that he's made with his life. I'm working on fixing a lot of those mistakes I made, and Stef is trying to help me with that.

It upsets me when I hear how difficult things get at home for her at times. I'm not sure if this will make any difference at all, but I'm doing it for Stef. I saw how upset she was about things and I don't want to see her sad or depressed. I love her, and I really mean that. In all honesty, she's the best person I've ever dated. I'm grateful for getting the chance to spend the week there with her before, and I hope to get the chance to do so again. I don't want her to have to spend the money to make an extra trip to get me 4 days later. Personally I feel like if she pays rent it should be her call to make, but that's just my opinion. I hope you'll reconsider things, because it really means a lot to me to spend time with Stef.


I find out earlier tonight that she's read the message and was pissed off about it for some reason. I talked to Stef about it and apparently she thinks that I see her as some kind of witch and that because she has a small child she doesn't need a real reason to say I can't stay. She wouldn't even message me back because she supposedly thinks it's "childish". Because you know, it's so childish to say get to know me so that I'm not a stranger to you. It's childish to think of the happiness of one of your children other than the youngest. I tried to give her an opportunity to get to know me and she refuses to take it.

I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've stayed there once already during the week, and nothing bad happened. She didn't seem to care that time, so I'd like to know what changed. It's not like I'm a child molester or a murderer or something. I did the right thing, she had an issue with me so I went straight to the source instead of sitting around being pissed off about it. I try to be civil and admit my wrongs and promise to amend them, and what do I get? I get blown off like I'm the scum of the earth. Well now I really am pissed off. If you make someone pay rent to live in your home you give them the right to bring anyone they choose to into the space they rent. Children aren't a factor, especially if they rarely come into contact with the other person there. The only time I saw her little sister was when Stef was at home and right there with me.

So yeah, my offer to get to know me better was officially shot down. I don't know this for sure, and I'm sure her mother probably would never admit it even it is true, but I think she may be jealous of us; jealous because we're happy together. That's the only explanation I can think of as to why a kid wasn't an issue before but suddenly is now. Of course I hope I'm wrong and all this blows over soon. So as it stands, Stef and I have to make another 3 hour long round trip to come back and pick me up 4 days later. Which adds on to the already 3 1/2 hour drive to Delaware. I know I told her mom to read my blog if she wants, because I'm not afraid to stand my ground when I know I'm right. I love Stef, and if she can't accept that and be happy for us then I want nothing to do with her. When you love someone you go the distance for them when it counts. I did just that, and if I were a parent I'd be pretty damn impressed if someone did that for my child.

And to drive the point home, here's a visual aid inspired by my ex which holds true in this case as well. And yes, it's been sold.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I'm rather late posting anything about this, but I feel like talking. My lack of an earlier posting pretty much boils down my reaction to it being repealed. Good for them, but it does nothing for me. Don't get me wrong, I think someone who's gay should be able to openly be so in the military without fear of being discharged. However, what gets to me the most is how it suddenly came out of nowhere and eclipsed ENDA. DADT effects a very specific group of people, the military. Anyone that's not in the military is pretty much unaffected by it. Personally I feel that the good of everyone in the country should come first. I'm happy for the military, but meanwhile I'm still jobless. The Republicans have congress again and are about to fuck things up even worse than they already were, and ENDA is virtually dead again. I've seen so much bullshit out there from people who claim that us trans people are the reason for ENDA's failure to get anywhere yet. I'd like to point out to anyone who thinks that the many times it came up for vote and never passed before gender identity was even considered. My official like statement regarding DADT's repeal? Congrats to the military for their win, for the rest of us I say rest in peace ENDA, I hope to see you again one day.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

For Better or Worse

Things are still moving way too slow around here. I just heard from social security, I got a letter in the mail saying they'll call me on the 25th. I'm not sure what's going to come of this attempt, but voc rehab isn't helping at all. They're still dragging their feet. I got a call last Tuesday morning from my case worker to say that she had forgotten to put the transfer in for my case last month. That really pissed me off. I did everything I was supposed to do, but the person who's job it is to help me dropped the ball and I have to pay for it. It's a slow race to see who helps me first right now, voc rehab or social security. In the meantime I'm pretty much sitting here doing nothing productive thanks to their lack of action. I called my case worker the day after and asked about stuff. She said she had sent the email to the person who supposed to pick up my case, and that was almost a week ago. I'm calling again on Thursday if I hear nothing tomorrow.

I really hope one or the other of these come through for me. I need some source of income, I want to be able to help Stef out with gas money when she comes to see me at the very least. It would be nice to have enough to make renting a place together optional if we decided to. She tells me to not worry about money, but I can't help it. I hate feeling like I can't get anything for her when she wants it. I mean I pulled through for Christmas, but I used gift money to make it happen. I just wish I had my own place right now, then I could tell her to stay as long as she likes with me.

Things are doing well with us right now, in spite of all the crappy stuff going on in our lives. For once in my life I'm dating someone that's a good influence on me, and I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't screw things up. The last 2 people I've dated honestly, did nothing but rub off their bad habits on me or proved to just be shitty in general. Before them nothing really lasted beyond a few months with anyone. I have a good feeling about Stef, not only is she just an amazing person in general, but she's exactly what I needed in a relationship. I couldn't have asked for better in a girlfriend.

I love how we can both geek out together. She's gotten me back into gaming a bit again and we play halo together sometimes. Not only that but we'll watch mythbusters or something on the discovery channel together and both be into it. We don't have everything in common, but so far it feels like just enough similarities and differences that we'll do just fine together. She's introduced me to quite a few things that I'm now into that I wasn't before. I'm happy with her, and I know she's happy with me, so long as we can make each other happy I know we'll make it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Merry New Year

The holidays went pretty well for me this year. Stef came down to see me on the 23rd for my birthday, which was honestly the best present I could have ever asked for. She stayed with me and my family through Christmas until the 26th, then I went home with her and spend the next 5 days at her house. I stayed home while she went to work, then on Friday I went in to work with her since she only had a half day and people wanted to meet me. I can now vouch for the level of boredom with her job. We came back here that afternoon after she got off from work and she stayed until a few hours ago.

I got about 11 1/2 days to spend with her, and I'm glad I did. It gave me a little insight into how things would be if we had our own place together at some point. We had a few times where we frustrated each other a bit, but nothing that lead to a full out argument. I'm going to consider that a good thing. I know that inevitably we're going to get into arguments and have disagreements over things, but I think we can make it through those. Neither one of us is the type of person to just walk away over nothing.

The job issue and driving came up too, which are probably my biggest worries right now. Driving being my biggest one. She wants me to try to make both happen. She's not going to push me too hard at least. My plan right now is to apply for SSI and claim a mental disability with my anxiety problems. I can get $675 a month with that, which can hold me over while I work with voc rehab to get a job. I'll just stick with that until I can get a job that will let me earn more per month that I'd be getting on disability.

Driving unfortunately won't be as easy to fix. I never got my license, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch. The fact that I have a huge phobia of driving is like the icing on the cake to that one. Stef said she's going to help me with learning, and my family offered too, I just need to learn how to get past the anxiety some way. I see my psychologist tomorrow, so I'm going to bring it up then. I seriously think I need some professional help with it, as embarrassed as I am to admit it. It's been holding me back this long and I know I need to do something about it.

A job will come in time, I'm pretty sure I can make that happen if I keep trying. Driving is going to be harder, unfortunately. I have to learn how while also trying to over come a phobia of it, and even then I have no how to go about getting my license at my age for the first time. I'm scared, but I want to get these things done before they turn into big issues with us. I found someone that I'm happy with, I don't want to let something stupid screw that up for me.