It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Flashback Time

I don't have much to really talk about tonight, so I'll leave you with another flashback to pre transition.

May 22, 2006
"The last few days have been amazing! My friend Tracie helped me get some clothes, I haven’t felt this happy in years. I know now that trying to stop this is what caused my depression. It only makes sense that after trying to stop all the problems happen. I told my mom yesterday and she was ok with it too. I can't believe I'm so lucky right now. I've cure my depression and it feels so good. I feel like I've been set free, and I like it. I'm back, and I'm never turning back. I'm a crossdresser and proud of it. I love this feeling and I'm done suppressing it. I've got help now, so there's nothing that can stop me."

At this point I was just begining to come out to selected friends. I told a friend of mine from school who turned out being ok with things. I asked her at some point to help me get some clothes because at the time I was too embarassed to get them myself. I gave her the money and she paid for them for me. That was the first time I can say anyone reached out to help me. I had finally made a very solid connection to my depression being mostly caused by suppressing my desire to be more feminine.

When I came out to my mom I remember we were sitting in her car, and after about 10 minutes of me beating around the bush the first thing that came out was "I'm not gay". That turned out to be wrong, at least in the lesbian sense, but things went fine when I told her. Her words were "that's it". Needless to say that shocked the hell out of me, I was expecting at least some hesitation to accept me, but then again my mom is pretty cool about a lot of things. I mean I talked her into buying me a tattoo sometime this year, so you get my point.

It was a bit of a leap to say that I had cured my depression, but I had definietly found the root of it and was ready to do something about it. It was a very freeing feeling to finally just admit to myself that what I had been doing and feeling for all those years was ok. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of me to say that it was ok to feel like a girl and to wear the clothes too. It didn't get me too far at the time with transition, but in retrospect it was the first real step I took towards it.

Looking back at this reminds me of how far I've come in just 4 years, but also of how much farther I have to go. I'm into this for life, so I've got a lot more time ahead of me than I do to look back on. I would never have imagined back then that I would be where I am now, so I can say that in a way I've done a lot more with my life already than I ever expected to before. It was a short journal entry, but I had a lot to say about it.


Ryan said...

Thanks for sharing cause that brought back some memories for me too. As far as I can remember I've worn guys clothes, and identified as being a lesbian. Then when I looked back more, I realized that some of the things I did in my childhood were more of someone who is of the male gender. Since I was 12 I thought of myself more as a guy than a girl. It wasn't until I was I guess 14 when I saw the movie "Boy's Don't Cry" that I knew of the transgender/transsexual community. Then it hit me, this is who I am. I took me years to finally admit it to myself and go forward with doing anything about it. Finally when I was 23, I tried for about a month living as a guy. When I stopped and went back to being my birth gender, I too felt depressed because I knew I wasn't being my true self. It took until April of this year to try again, and I haven't looked back. Sage, you are one of the few people that have helped me recognize who I really am and in a way that is what has helped me to keep going forward with it. Thank you for your friendship, and for posting what it's like going through transition cause if it's helped me out, then I know it will help others too who read your blog.

Sage Fallon said...

Thanks, I'm glad that my openness has been helpful to someone. :)

Melissa said...

You're so lucky that your mother readily accepted your cross dressing. Maybe she's an exceptional woman, or maybe it's just a sign of the times, because when I was about to turn 18, and my mother discovered I was cross dressing, she treated me like I was some kind of a pervert, and hauled me off to see an Army shrink at Walter Reed, who wanted to treat me with aversion therapy. The whole experience was such a nightmare, that it scared me deep into the closet for many years after that.

Melissa XX