It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why Do I Try?

I've been talking to Megan's ex lately, we've actually gotten to be pretty good friends. Tonight out of nowhere she goes off and tells me she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. I was supposed to come back up this weekend, but she thinks the only reason I want to come is to hang out with Megan. I won't lie, I told Megan earlier tonight that she was the only reason I wanted to come and not mention that I said it to Amy(her ex). I have a feeling she did anyway. I blame myself for that misunderstanding though. I meant that Megan is the main reason I want to come, because it's her house and she's the one that would pick me up. I made a mistake and phrased it wrong, but at the same time can you blame me for feeling like I do? Whether we're just friends or not, she's the only trans friend I have to hang out with. Not to mention she's also the only trans girl friend that I have to hang out with. I can't help it if that's going to add a little more to ma wanting to hang out with her. I never said I didn't want to hang out with Amy. Now she's apparently pissed off because she thinks I'm using her to know whats going on with Megan. Let me point out that she's started every single conversation we've ever had, and I never once asked what was going on with Megan unless it was just to make sure she was ok. She willingly and without being asked told me all of it. I even said at times that I didn't want to hear it all. I guess I let her keep telling me in hopes that it would help me get over Megan. She also seems to think I'm going to try to get Megan back if I come up this weekend. Sure, I talked about trying, that doesn't mean I am. I'd like to try, but I know it's just going to make things worse. As it stands I doubt I'll be going up there this weekend anyway. I just hate how I stick my neck out and try to help people and this is the thanks I get in return. I offer to pay for Megan to get her ID updated and also help her with the DID, she hasn't tried to stop me with the ID thing, but refuses to let me help with the DID. Then last night when she gets called sir who does she come to looking for support and to vent. I let her ex wake me up at 6 something on Sunday morning when she called to tell me that Megan wanted to kick her out. I talked to her for at least an hour if not more, and I get this tonight. I don't know what to think anymore. At this point I don't give a damn what Megan does so long as she's ok. I just want the pain to stop, but it seems like no one wants to just let me heal. I don't know who's with me or against me anymore. My last voc rehab appointment didn't go that well on Monday either. The counselor never showed up and is yet to return my call about why. So right now things are just going to hell for me. I'm sick of living in this area, even the counselor told me there isn't much in the way of jobs around here for me. Yeah I know things will get better, I'm just tired of being hurt and lonely. Megan and Amy think they're lonely, they live together. I'm stuck here with my 2 grandparents that I have nothing in common with it day after day with hardly a friend to speak of that isn't online to talk to. The sad thing is that's been most of my life. I'm trying to change that, I had hoped Maryland would be my way to do that, but it looks like I'm back at square one. I'm washing my hands of it all, I'm through, I can't take this shit anymore. I want friends, but not if all they're going to do is hurt me.

No comments: