It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Moving On

Well it looks like Amy and I are still friends. She called me yesterday when Megan left to go see some new “friend” of hers in Pennsylvania. I kind of cleared up the confusion and apologized for everything and things seem to be ok now. I don’t know what to think of Megan though. Apparently she’s hoping that her and this person will end up dating, but she’s lying to them and saying that Amy has moved out. It kind of makes me wonder what else she may be lying to them about. I know she lied to me about not showing Amy the conversation the other night. That’s my last attempt at trusting her, I know more of what goes on when I’m not there than she thinks I do and it pisses me off. She fucking lied to me, and that’s damn near unforgivable with me. She’s lying to me, and she’s been lying to other people. I’m over her now; I don’t want to date a liar. I’m done chasing after her at all, sure it would have been nice, but I’m not dating someone I don’t feel like I can trust. She apparently wants this person to come down and stay a night with her, and plans on telling them that her mom moved Amy back in without her knowing or something. I can just tell she’s setting herself up to either break someone else’s heart or get hers broken. She’s playing with fire right now, and she’s going to get burned at some point. I’m beyond trusting her. Maybe I’m a bit harsh, but my family not once in 12 years mentioned to me that my mom was even still alive. They can’t even get their stories straight about what may or may not have happened to me when I was little. I’ve just had it with people that can’t tell the fucking truth to me. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t like being kept in the dark. I would never lie to someone I’m dating, let alone anyone that I consider a good friend. Sure there are the occasional little white lies that don’t really affect anyone, but when it comes to stuff that actually matters I never lie to anyone that I care about. Even when my best friend was talking about dropping out of school, I told her that I didn’t agree with her but it was her life so I wasn’t going to judge her. Right now I don’t agree with what Megan is doing, but she can keep going for all I care. Whatever comes of it all she brings on herself. I’m not even sure if I would take her back if she asked me to at this point. I would need some proof that I could trust her again, and a lot of it. If you betray my trust, consider yourself on my blacklist. I’m still willing to be friends with her, but I’m not going to trust her with anything important anymore. She can do what she wants with her life, but I’m not degrading myself and trying to offer a helping hand to someone that swats it away. I’m here if she needs me, and unlike her with me, I’m not betraying her trust in me. Trust is something that’s very important to me, when I say my word is my honor I mean it. I know its a little cliché, but I think more people should think like that. If no one can trust you, you’ve got nothing; that’s the way I see it. I stuck up for a friend of mine once over my own boyfriend, so I’m obviously loyal to a T when it comes to people that I care about. If I think someone is in the wrong I’ll call them on it, no matter how close they are. Megan thinks I’m still being clingy, maybe one day she’ll actually miss it. I’ve got bigger and better things to do with my life than chase after someone that doesn’t want me. I’m over her, maybe not completely, but enough to move on. On a more metaphysical less than mundane world note, if Megan thinks I can’t read her she’s sadly mistaken. If she thinks she can read me lately, she’s also mistaken. My blocks are in place and I’m going to sit back and watch the fireworks that I know are coming. Age may bring more knowledge, but arrogance can cloud your instincts if you allow it to.

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