Friday, March 12, 2010
Lonely and Thinking
Well I can't go to Megan's this weekend now. I told her I needed to know a day before I heard back from the voc rehab counselor, which I did today. She apparently wrote my appointment down on the wrong calendar or something, so I go back Tuesday. I didn't know a day I would be leaving here, so I could only take the soonest day possible. Amy isn't talking to me, Megan hasn't talked to me since this afternoon when I called to apologize for things last night, so it looks like everything is still one big mess. I explained myself and apologized for not being clear enough, so I've tried to be the bigger person and admit my mistakes. I've done all I can do. I don't want to lose either of them as a friend, but I can't make someone want to be my friend if they don't want to. I know Amy has a crush on me, and I can't help it that I don't have the same feelings. I don't know if that has anything to do with this or not. I can't make myself be attracted to someone. I already tried that with my ex and it failed miserably. At least I know Megan will still talk to me, so I can't complain too much there. I'm just emotionally exhausted of all of this. If Megan wasn't trans I probably would have never taken the chance on her. I've been saying it for a while now, I need to be alone at this point in my life. I guess I thought maybe it was ok to try dating someone now since it might also help me get out of the area. That's not the reason I did it, but I can't say that thought wasn't in the back of my mind. I need a job, that's the bottom line right now. I don't care where, so long as I'm doing something that's earning me money I can put towards my transition. I'm tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing. Maybe that's why I want to help Megan so much with getting her ID and other stuff. I like helping other trans people, and aside from one friend that doesn't talk to me anymore, she's the only one I can directly help. Everyone else has been just talking and giving advice, I can actually do something for her I know immediately makes a difference. I'm still taking things one day at a time, I don't know how else to go about things right now. I can't let this throw me off too much or I'm going to screw up what I've been working so hard on since last summer. Life sucks right now, I just have to make some attempt to ride out the storm and hope it gets better soon.