It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Lonely and Thinking

Well I can't go to Megan's this weekend now. I told her I needed to know a day before I heard back from the voc rehab counselor, which I did today. She apparently wrote my appointment down on the wrong calendar or something, so I go back Tuesday. I didn't know a day I would be leaving here, so I could only take the soonest day possible. Amy isn't talking to me, Megan hasn't talked to me since this afternoon when I called to apologize for things last night, so it looks like everything is still one big mess. I explained myself and apologized for not being clear enough, so I've tried to be the bigger person and admit my mistakes. I've done all I can do. I don't want to lose either of them as a friend, but I can't make someone want to be my friend if they don't want to. I know Amy has a crush on me, and I can't help it that I don't have the same feelings. I don't know if that has anything to do with this or not. I can't make myself be attracted to someone. I already tried that with my ex and it failed miserably. At least I know Megan will still talk to me, so I can't complain too much there. I'm just emotionally exhausted of all of this. If Megan wasn't trans I probably would have never taken the chance on her. I've been saying it for a while now, I need to be alone at this point in my life. I guess I thought maybe it was ok to try dating someone now since it might also help me get out of the area. That's not the reason I did it, but I can't say that thought wasn't in the back of my mind. I need a job, that's the bottom line right now. I don't care where, so long as I'm doing something that's earning me money I can put towards my transition. I'm tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing. Maybe that's why I want to help Megan so much with getting her ID and other stuff. I like helping other trans people, and aside from one friend that doesn't talk to me anymore, she's the only one I can directly help. Everyone else has been just talking and giving advice, I can actually do something for her I know immediately makes a difference. I'm still taking things one day at a time, I don't know how else to go about things right now. I can't let this throw me off too much or I'm going to screw up what I've been working so hard on since last summer. Life sucks right now, I just have to make some attempt to ride out the storm and hope it gets better soon.

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