It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Contemplation Time

I know I've been writing pretty frequently lately compared to what I usually do. I've been doing a lot of thinking today about why that is, and is seems like I thought of quite a few reasons. First and foremost is obviously everything that happened with me and Megan, I needed an outlet of some kind for what I was feeling. Above all else though, I realize I'm at another point in my life where it's time to step back and evaluate where I'm headed. Voc rehab is moving as slowly as it possibly can, and so it seems is the photo work for my friend. I guess I'm feeling like no matter what I try to do in life something comes along to screw it up. I know no one has it in for me or anything, and I know eventually something will pan out. It's just hard to hold on to that hope sometimes. What sucks is I'm 22 and I still have no real clue what to do with my life. I want to be a trans rights activist, artist, photographer, and possibly even a therapist. I also have my interests in history and science to throw in there too. Maybe I'm a bit too ambitious, and maybe I'm not ambitious enough. I can't really say I want to make any of those things I just listed the "main" thing I do in life. I'd love to have time to do them all. It's just hard when I have my transition to think about above all else. For all the interests and passions I have, I still need a profession that's going to put money in the bank and pay medical expenses. Perhaps I'm putting too much thought into things. I've had a lot time to myself lately, and I think a lot when I'm alone. What I do know is I need a change; I need to change something in my life. A change of location and employment status would be fucking awesome, but those are just things I have to hope for and work towards. The stuff with Megan really threw me off to the point where I was focusing way too much on the negative aspects of life again, and I'm just going to get back what I send out. I guess I found something to change, small as it may be. You never know, it just might help more than I think. On another note I'm still feeling sick, but I think I'm getting better. My throat is kind of scratchy and my sinuses are still a bit of a pain, but it feels like it's lessening. Take that sickness, vitamin C and herbs haven't failed me yet. I'm not sure what exactly it is still, but whatever it is, it really hit me hard. Thank the gods for natural remedies. I think I'll be ok from here on, so hopefully I won't need to see a doctor. I'm still keeping an eye on things though, just in case they get worse. The undeveloped ovary stopped hurting too, much to my chagrin. I'm guessing I may have bruised it while tucking or something, and no I won't refer to any parts in that area by the proper names. I don't want them in the first place so they don't get that kind of respect from me. I'm an odd one I know, no need to tell me, but you can anyway if it makes you happy. Anyway I think that's about all I have to say for now. Oh by the way, I linked my facebook to here if you didn't notice yet. I thought it might help me reach a wider audience.


Anonymous said...

It's not so bad to be 22 and not know what to do with life. Try being 31 and living in your parents basement :P
At least you're feeling better, physically and emotionally... I had to really try not to make any old-age jokes on your last post :)
When things feel like they're really getting stagnant, try doing something to kick-start things... I was thinking maybe you could post an ad on craigslist, or something, offering your photography skills, maybe? I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud... I know you'll do fine no matter what. I can tell :)

Laura Bennett said...

I totally get where you are coming from, but let me tell you EVERY 22 year old goes through that no matter where they are in life at the moment.

The only advice I can offer you is to treat life like the ocean current, swim like hell when you're with the current and don't fight it when you're not.

Having ambitions are terrific because they guide you in the direction you need to be going, but don't overplan. If you ask your parents or any older person, they'll all tell you they ended up somewhere they never expected, but that doesn't make it bad, just different.

It takes ambition (and smarts) to start and maintain a blog and even more to transition. I think you are right about needing a career that pays the bills, pursue that line of thought, it will get you places.

More than anything, trust yourself. You're young, smart and ambitious, now go prove it :)

Anonymous said...

funny when someone ask you a question regarding your blog and about how you seam like your dragging things out with you and your friend megan you delete it