About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I've Got Mono

I decided to go see a doctor today when I took a look at my throat in the mirror and saw white spots. I was thinking strep at first, but the test for that came back negative. So the doctor said with all the symptoms and the lenth of time that it's been going on for it's more than likely mono. I could have gotten a blood test to confirm it 100%, but she said either way there was nothing they could give me to cure it. I have to wait it out and let it run it's course, lucky me that's about 4 to 6 weeks. I go to the clinic in two weeks anyway, and it's time for me to get blood work done this time too. I guess if nothing else I'll find out then if I mention it to them. I know it takes about a month after infection to show symptoms of mono, so I've got a feeling I may have picked it up at Megan's when I was there. This sucks, I get to put up with this shit for a month. On the plus side I didn't have to out myself to the doctor this time. Anyway, I guess all I can really do is wait and hope this clears up as soon as possible.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Contemplation Time

I know I've been writing pretty frequently lately compared to what I usually do. I've been doing a lot of thinking today about why that is, and is seems like I thought of quite a few reasons. First and foremost is obviously everything that happened with me and Megan, I needed an outlet of some kind for what I was feeling. Above all else though, I realize I'm at another point in my life where it's time to step back and evaluate where I'm headed. Voc rehab is moving as slowly as it possibly can, and so it seems is the photo work for my friend. I guess I'm feeling like no matter what I try to do in life something comes along to screw it up. I know no one has it in for me or anything, and I know eventually something will pan out. It's just hard to hold on to that hope sometimes. What sucks is I'm 22 and I still have no real clue what to do with my life. I want to be a trans rights activist, artist, photographer, and possibly even a therapist. I also have my interests in history and science to throw in there too. Maybe I'm a bit too ambitious, and maybe I'm not ambitious enough. I can't really say I want to make any of those things I just listed the "main" thing I do in life. I'd love to have time to do them all. It's just hard when I have my transition to think about above all else. For all the interests and passions I have, I still need a profession that's going to put money in the bank and pay medical expenses. Perhaps I'm putting too much thought into things. I've had a lot time to myself lately, and I think a lot when I'm alone. What I do know is I need a change; I need to change something in my life. A change of location and employment status would be fucking awesome, but those are just things I have to hope for and work towards. The stuff with Megan really threw me off to the point where I was focusing way too much on the negative aspects of life again, and I'm just going to get back what I send out. I guess I found something to change, small as it may be. You never know, it just might help more than I think. On another note I'm still feeling sick, but I think I'm getting better. My throat is kind of scratchy and my sinuses are still a bit of a pain, but it feels like it's lessening. Take that sickness, vitamin C and herbs haven't failed me yet. I'm not sure what exactly it is still, but whatever it is, it really hit me hard. Thank the gods for natural remedies. I think I'll be ok from here on, so hopefully I won't need to see a doctor. I'm still keeping an eye on things though, just in case they get worse. The undeveloped ovary stopped hurting too, much to my chagrin. I'm guessing I may have bruised it while tucking or something, and no I won't refer to any parts in that area by the proper names. I don't want them in the first place so they don't get that kind of respect from me. I'm an odd one I know, no need to tell me, but you can anyway if it makes you happy. Anyway I think that's about all I have to say for now. Oh by the way, I linked my facebook to here if you didn't notice yet. I thought it might help me reach a wider audience.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sick

So it’s been a week and I still feel like crap. My body isn’t aching anymore at least, but my sinuses hurt like hell. I’m not sure if it’s allergies or a sinus infection. I’ve never had problems with allergies in the spring before, but I know there’s a first time for everything. What’s weird is it’s only on the left side of my head and neck where it really hurts. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not. I haven’t had a fever at all since it first started, so that’s what makes me wonder if it might be allergies. I’ve been loading up on the herbs and vitamin C all week, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. I want to see a doctor, but I’m still nervous as hell about going to any one other than my regular doctor. I never know what kind of reaction I’m going to get around here. It turned out alright last summer when I saw a local one and explained things, but I still can’t help but be scared. I’m also scared because in the last few days one of the bits I want out of me for good has been sore to the touch. I don’t quite know what to make of that. Part of me is scared, and part of me wants to go to a doctor and say it hurts so why not cut them both out just to be safe. I’m hoping it’s nothing, and at the same time, as crazy as it sounds, hoping that it might be something that would give a legit reason to take them out. I wouldn’t have to worry about picking up the bill then since I think my insurance would cover that. I don’t know, it feels like everything on me is deciding to go to hell right now. I’ve only recently gotten my appetite back, but it’s hard on my stomach for some reason. I’m getting a lot of heart burn and bloated feeling. I haven’t messed with my hormones at all in over a month, so I have my doubts they’re anything to blame. My grandparents seem to think they’re the cause of every physical ailment I get now. I’m really hoping I can get better soon, I can’t see a doctor until Monday anyway right now. I’m going to wait it out for the weekend and if I’m not doing any better by then I’m going to try to see one. That should prove to be another real adventure in the land of bibles and rednecks. I may still be young, but right now this is a big reminder to me that I’m not getting any younger, at least it sure feels that way.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Hate People

I found out last night that a friend of mine was responsible for everything going on. I had been talking to him lately about things going on with Megan, just to vent more or less. I was kind of pissed off the last time I did, and I mentioned in passing that it would be nice if that girl saw my blog so she could see what was really going on. I said right after though that it probably wouldn't help things at all so I didn't think it was worth doing. Apparently he goes off on his own time and makes some random myspace and sends a message with a link to my blog to her. I had no fucking clue what the hell was going on until last night when he got online and decided to tell me after I told him what was going on. Needless to say I was pissed off as hell. I told him that I never asked him to do this and that I also said it wouldn't help. I told him he had a lot of nerve going and pulling something like that behind my back and making someone I still consider a friend not want to speak to me again. That's what I get for staying friends with someone that used to have a crush on me. I used to have a thing for him too, but that's been a good while ago and I had told him that I wasn't interested in guys anymore. I'm not speaking to him right now because I don't know what else to say, nothing I can say will undo this. So it looks like I've lost 3 friends in the process of all this. Megan won't believe me when I tell her I had nothing to do with it, and she won't even let Amy talk to me. But then again she's just blindly listening to Megan because she's afraid of getting kicked out. Stop being sheep people, think for yourselves! According to what little I've heard from Amy the last couple of days Megan didn't even have a clue who could have done it until this girl said she thought it was either her or me. I apologized for what I said in blog about Megan, I don't blame her for being upset about that. If any of it wasn't true I told her to ask Amy since she's where I heard it all. I was getting two completely different stories from 2 people living in the same fucking room, so who the hell am I supposed to believe? I'm sorry if anything I said hurt, but it's like I said before, it's my blog. What I write on here is my business. The whole point of it is to write about my life and whats going on in it. I'm not even going to attempt to defend myself right now, I told what I know. I don't lie to my friends, end of story. I want to be a high priestess one day, so I've got more constructive things to do with my time than go around making up big elaborate lies to tell people. Not to mention I'm no idiot. She can believe me if she wants to, but it really hurts that after all this time we've known each other she can turn her back on me and call me a liar so quickly. I've got pleny of people who would stand behind me when I say something that like is beneath me, because I've earned the trust of my friends.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Confused

So apparently that girl Megan likes saw my blog earlier today. Now she's pissed off and doesn't want to talk to me again. I guess her friend wanted her to explain herself. I'm not sure why she's so pissed, she's the one lying to everybody. It's my fucking blog, I'll write about my life on here if I want and I'll write what I want. I put a link to it on my myspace, so excuse me if she got curious and decided to take a look at it. She shouldn't be lying to anyone if she doesn't want them finding out eventually. If she had been upfront and honest with me about what was going on I might have been more inclined to not bitch on here quite so much. Oh well, whatever. She's the one that still wanted to be friends, I don't appreciate friends who lie to me. I've been sick the last couple of days, so I'm focused more on getting well right now than stressing over Megan's drama. I'm more than willing to be her friend, but she has to be honest with me. I should go lay down, I feel like shit right now. I hope I don't have the flu or something.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Good Times

Well, I've had a very interesting week so far. I went and stayed with Cassidy Wednesday night since other things I had planned got cancelled. It was pretty fun, she stole an 8 gig memory card for my camera. Now I can get over 1500 pictures on one card. I also found out that she has a pretty good 10 mega pixel DSLR camera too, the same brand as my consumer grade of the same resolution. We decided to do a shoot that night, but got a little stoned and drank a bit before then. Needless to say it left a bit to be desired. The lighting wasn't that great, but amazingly I managed to get enough shots for a full set that weren't completely screwed up. I loved using the camera too, since it was also a fujifilm it made figuring out the display easy. I also finally figured out suicide girls editing guidelines today. I've been stressing all week over trying to make sure I know what exactly they're asking for. I'm pretty confident that I understand it now though. To bitch about previous subjects, apparently Megan is smoking pot and considering doing porn to try to impress this girl that she likes. Apparently she's the only one doing any real flirting and this girl really isn't that interested. To top that off she lied straight to me the other night when I said I knew that was why she's been depressed lately. I talk to her fucking ex that's still living in the same room as her, still sleeping in the same bed, and still fucking her. She acts like I haven't got a clue in hell as to what's going on apparently. She's lying to this other girl and pretending to be someone she's not, while also leading her ex on and lying to me. I don't want to date that kind of person. If she wants to become a pot head and drift into tranny porn obscurity be my guest. I'm not putting my life on hold any longer for her. I have a chance to kick start my dream career, so in a way Megan leaving me has helped me out. I'm not moving away up there like she wanted me to, so I'm still here near my friend who wants me to do this with her. She helps me I help her, we both stand to make a profit from working with the other. I get my name out there as a photographer, she gets her name and face out there as a model, we both win. Megan may think sitting in front of a camera and having an orgasm is going to earn her all the money she needs. I'm the person behind the camera with the girls coming to me and stripping for me to take the pictures, and for a reputable, yet tasteful, site that many people know of. Who do you think has the better job? I just had another friend of mine yesterday say they're interested in doing pictures for suicide girls and I offered to do her pictures. Luckily she's a good friend and trusts me with doing it, so who knows, I may have a second person to work with and make double my money. I promised Cassidy that I'd be her main photographer though, but luckily her and my other friend know each other, so it works out. I'm nervous but excited at the same time, I just hope I have what it takes to do this well enough to be accepted. I guess I'll find out, and have plenty of fun in the process. Thank you karma.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

New Prospects

It seems like things are moving along pretty well for me so far. My best friend Cassidy told me last night that she got accepted to submit a trial photo set to suicide girls, and asked me if I would take them for her. So as it stands now I may have a shot at doing my first paying photo shoot. There's a lot of factors involved though. We can submit the set, but it's up to the site staff or member votes to decide whether or not the set gets featured. It has to be featured as a set of the day before either one of us can get paid, so I have to make sure I do my best work on these. I need to have 60 to 75 shots on the set for them to accept it, so the pressure is on for quality as well as quantity. I'm not sure if what I do is going to be good enough, but I'm giving it my best shot. If they're accepted she gets 500 bucks, and I'll get 100 for the pictures, plus another 100 if I can do the photoshopping myself. Sure 200 bucks isn't a lot, but I think she'll give me a small cut out of the 500 anyway. This isn't so much about the money for me as it is just getting my name out there and building a reputation. This is just the kind of opportunity I've been waiting for. I've been wanting to work in doing shots for alternative modeling, so this is my chance to do just that. This is going to be my first real test of skill, but it should be fun at the same time. I'm glad it's my best friend I'm shooting and not someone I just met. I've spent most of the night reading over guidelines and stuff on the website to make sure I get this right on the first try. There's a lot of paperwork and crap to fill out, but I don't want to limit my work. I've been doing all the nature and animal shots, alternative style pin ups seems like a good direction for now. I've got another friend that could get accepted with no problem if she tried, so if I'm lucky at some point she might go for it too. I know she would be comfortable with me taking the shots too. I guess I stand to make a decent start for myself in the professional world with this.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Moving On

Well it looks like Amy and I are still friends. She called me yesterday when Megan left to go see some new “friend” of hers in Pennsylvania. I kind of cleared up the confusion and apologized for everything and things seem to be ok now. I don’t know what to think of Megan though. Apparently she’s hoping that her and this person will end up dating, but she’s lying to them and saying that Amy has moved out. It kind of makes me wonder what else she may be lying to them about. I know she lied to me about not showing Amy the conversation the other night. That’s my last attempt at trusting her, I know more of what goes on when I’m not there than she thinks I do and it pisses me off. She fucking lied to me, and that’s damn near unforgivable with me. She’s lying to me, and she’s been lying to other people. I’m over her now; I don’t want to date a liar. I’m done chasing after her at all, sure it would have been nice, but I’m not dating someone I don’t feel like I can trust. She apparently wants this person to come down and stay a night with her, and plans on telling them that her mom moved Amy back in without her knowing or something. I can just tell she’s setting herself up to either break someone else’s heart or get hers broken. She’s playing with fire right now, and she’s going to get burned at some point. I’m beyond trusting her. Maybe I’m a bit harsh, but my family not once in 12 years mentioned to me that my mom was even still alive. They can’t even get their stories straight about what may or may not have happened to me when I was little. I’ve just had it with people that can’t tell the fucking truth to me. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t like being kept in the dark. I would never lie to someone I’m dating, let alone anyone that I consider a good friend. Sure there are the occasional little white lies that don’t really affect anyone, but when it comes to stuff that actually matters I never lie to anyone that I care about. Even when my best friend was talking about dropping out of school, I told her that I didn’t agree with her but it was her life so I wasn’t going to judge her. Right now I don’t agree with what Megan is doing, but she can keep going for all I care. Whatever comes of it all she brings on herself. I’m not even sure if I would take her back if she asked me to at this point. I would need some proof that I could trust her again, and a lot of it. If you betray my trust, consider yourself on my blacklist. I’m still willing to be friends with her, but I’m not going to trust her with anything important anymore. She can do what she wants with her life, but I’m not degrading myself and trying to offer a helping hand to someone that swats it away. I’m here if she needs me, and unlike her with me, I’m not betraying her trust in me. Trust is something that’s very important to me, when I say my word is my honor I mean it. I know its a little cliché, but I think more people should think like that. If no one can trust you, you’ve got nothing; that’s the way I see it. I stuck up for a friend of mine once over my own boyfriend, so I’m obviously loyal to a T when it comes to people that I care about. If I think someone is in the wrong I’ll call them on it, no matter how close they are. Megan thinks I’m still being clingy, maybe one day she’ll actually miss it. I’ve got bigger and better things to do with my life than chase after someone that doesn’t want me. I’m over her, maybe not completely, but enough to move on. On a more metaphysical less than mundane world note, if Megan thinks I can’t read her she’s sadly mistaken. If she thinks she can read me lately, she’s also mistaken. My blocks are in place and I’m going to sit back and watch the fireworks that I know are coming. Age may bring more knowledge, but arrogance can cloud your instincts if you allow it to.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Lonely and Thinking

Well I can't go to Megan's this weekend now. I told her I needed to know a day before I heard back from the voc rehab counselor, which I did today. She apparently wrote my appointment down on the wrong calendar or something, so I go back Tuesday. I didn't know a day I would be leaving here, so I could only take the soonest day possible. Amy isn't talking to me, Megan hasn't talked to me since this afternoon when I called to apologize for things last night, so it looks like everything is still one big mess. I explained myself and apologized for not being clear enough, so I've tried to be the bigger person and admit my mistakes. I've done all I can do. I don't want to lose either of them as a friend, but I can't make someone want to be my friend if they don't want to. I know Amy has a crush on me, and I can't help it that I don't have the same feelings. I don't know if that has anything to do with this or not. I can't make myself be attracted to someone. I already tried that with my ex and it failed miserably. At least I know Megan will still talk to me, so I can't complain too much there. I'm just emotionally exhausted of all of this. If Megan wasn't trans I probably would have never taken the chance on her. I've been saying it for a while now, I need to be alone at this point in my life. I guess I thought maybe it was ok to try dating someone now since it might also help me get out of the area. That's not the reason I did it, but I can't say that thought wasn't in the back of my mind. I need a job, that's the bottom line right now. I don't care where, so long as I'm doing something that's earning me money I can put towards my transition. I'm tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing. Maybe that's why I want to help Megan so much with getting her ID and other stuff. I like helping other trans people, and aside from one friend that doesn't talk to me anymore, she's the only one I can directly help. Everyone else has been just talking and giving advice, I can actually do something for her I know immediately makes a difference. I'm still taking things one day at a time, I don't know how else to go about things right now. I can't let this throw me off too much or I'm going to screw up what I've been working so hard on since last summer. Life sucks right now, I just have to make some attempt to ride out the storm and hope it gets better soon.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why Do I Try?

I've been talking to Megan's ex lately, we've actually gotten to be pretty good friends. Tonight out of nowhere she goes off and tells me she thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. I was supposed to come back up this weekend, but she thinks the only reason I want to come is to hang out with Megan. I won't lie, I told Megan earlier tonight that she was the only reason I wanted to come and not mention that I said it to Amy(her ex). I have a feeling she did anyway. I blame myself for that misunderstanding though. I meant that Megan is the main reason I want to come, because it's her house and she's the one that would pick me up. I made a mistake and phrased it wrong, but at the same time can you blame me for feeling like I do? Whether we're just friends or not, she's the only trans friend I have to hang out with. Not to mention she's also the only trans girl friend that I have to hang out with. I can't help it if that's going to add a little more to ma wanting to hang out with her. I never said I didn't want to hang out with Amy. Now she's apparently pissed off because she thinks I'm using her to know whats going on with Megan. Let me point out that she's started every single conversation we've ever had, and I never once asked what was going on with Megan unless it was just to make sure she was ok. She willingly and without being asked told me all of it. I even said at times that I didn't want to hear it all. I guess I let her keep telling me in hopes that it would help me get over Megan. She also seems to think I'm going to try to get Megan back if I come up this weekend. Sure, I talked about trying, that doesn't mean I am. I'd like to try, but I know it's just going to make things worse. As it stands I doubt I'll be going up there this weekend anyway. I just hate how I stick my neck out and try to help people and this is the thanks I get in return. I offer to pay for Megan to get her ID updated and also help her with the DID, she hasn't tried to stop me with the ID thing, but refuses to let me help with the DID. Then last night when she gets called sir who does she come to looking for support and to vent. I let her ex wake me up at 6 something on Sunday morning when she called to tell me that Megan wanted to kick her out. I talked to her for at least an hour if not more, and I get this tonight. I don't know what to think anymore. At this point I don't give a damn what Megan does so long as she's ok. I just want the pain to stop, but it seems like no one wants to just let me heal. I don't know who's with me or against me anymore. My last voc rehab appointment didn't go that well on Monday either. The counselor never showed up and is yet to return my call about why. So right now things are just going to hell for me. I'm sick of living in this area, even the counselor told me there isn't much in the way of jobs around here for me. Yeah I know things will get better, I'm just tired of being hurt and lonely. Megan and Amy think they're lonely, they live together. I'm stuck here with my 2 grandparents that I have nothing in common with it day after day with hardly a friend to speak of that isn't online to talk to. The sad thing is that's been most of my life. I'm trying to change that, I had hoped Maryland would be my way to do that, but it looks like I'm back at square one. I'm washing my hands of it all, I'm through, I can't take this shit anymore. I want friends, but not if all they're going to do is hurt me.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Sigh

I wish I could say that I have something good to talk about this time, but I don't have much. Things with Megan and I seem to be getting worse. She has it in her head that there's some big dark mysterious reason that she had to date me and then leave me. She apologizes for hurting me and refuses to let me help with the DID. I even explained that I've spent hours looking up information about how to help with it because I care about her, she doesn't seem to think she has a problem. The way she's acting lately makes me wonder if I even want to stay friends with her. Me and her ex started talking and are actually pretty good friends now, and she won't let up about thinking that we have a thing for each other. She found out that her ex is attracted to me and that set it all off. I actually explained directly to her one night that I don't have feelings for her ex, that I still love her and only want her. I can't seem to get anything through to her lately. I do something last night that she saw as mildly flirtatious and she was fucking around on the phone about it saying mine about her ex. I don't know what the hell to think about it all anymore. She doesn't even seem like the same person I've known all this time. She's flirting with her ex and some other person, and then she barely talks to me anymore. She apparently wants me to come back and stay again next weekend, but it was her ex that had to first bring it up for it to happen. I got really pissed at her last night and said some stuff I wish I hadn't now, so I'm not really sure where things stand with us right now. I'm trying to at least be a good friend, but at the same time I'm trying to hold back how much I'm hurt by a lot of this. I still care about her, only now I'm starting to wish I didn't. I wish she could see that all I want to do is help her and make her happy, but I'm starting to wonder if she's too far gone. The DID symptoms couldn't be any more textbook than they are with her, and I dont even think she's telling her therapist the truth about everything. I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I should go see her again if she even still wants me to. I'm hurting like hell and it's like she doesn't even care.