It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Too Much

Things are a bit better than my last post. I won't even try to justify any of the things I did, I know I could have handled things differently. I just don't like to see the person I love upset and stressed out. Things got pretty bad again the night before last. Megan eventually walked out of the room and went upstairs, I found out a little later that she had cut herself when she went in the bathroom. After I made sure she was ok I went back downstairs to keep an eye on her ex. Megan's friend came down too and we both sat down and tried to talk to her. I apologized for anything I had done to upset or offend her, but I also made it clear about how I feel about Megan. I told her that I don't hate her, I just don't like seeing the person I love being put through all this stress. I told her I was sorry if I had misunderstood some of the things she said to me about Megan before that made me think she didn't like her anymore. I also said that I don't care if they stay friends, and that I want us to be friends for Megan's sake. I know it's tearing her apart on the inside to have to deal with all of this. I don't know if anything me and her friend said helped, I hope it did. It all boils down to I apologized for my indiscretions and tried to bridge the gap between us. She's been better the 2 days, so maybe it helped. Me and Megan both sat down with her and tried to talk things out. To more or less say that we're trying to be friends with her, but she needs to try to work with us. I don't know, things are just weird right now. I feel bad about the way I acted, but at the same time feel like I was pushed and I just did all I knew to do. I just hope that everything turns out for the best. I went back upstairs with Megan after me and her friend decided to give her ex some time to herself. I got her to lay down on the couch and lay her head on my lap and try to sleep. Her ex came up a little bit later and said it was ok to bring her back down. Things really got weird at that point. Megan has MPD, and apparently switched from all the stress and no one realized it. She pulled her ex in the bed with us and then was trying to feel us both up. I was kind of weirded out from the beginning, but in the middle of all that lets just say the part I want to be rid of got played with and I thought it was Megan until I asked where her hands were. I think it's possible something did happen to me when I was younger, because after that I just wanted to cry and I started shaking. I think that's what snapped her out of it, she asked me what was wrong and I told her that I might have been raped when I was little. I've been kind of jumpy and nervous ever since. We went out last night for a while and it was all I could do not to break down crying most of the time. I tried pushing it out of my mind but Megan noticed that something was wrong and made go upstairs and talk. I broke down sitting in her lap. There's just been way too much stress on me since I've been here. I'm coming home tonight, so I guess I'll see where things take me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like maybe a case of too much, too fast for you to process. I know you like this person, but perhaps some time to yourself would help clear your head. "Slow and steady wins the race" or so they say :)

Have a safe trip back home.