It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thinking Outloud

Lets just say things with Megan and I could be better. We're stepping back and slowing things down for a bit to see where they take us. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore than that, I just hope it turns out well for me. So instead I'm going to post something different. I saw a personals ad on craigslist once that was written so well that I kind of stole the idea and filled in my own things for it. It pretty much says what I'm looking for in a significant other. I know what I want, and this is it.

"To my kindred spirit...I have yet to meet you, but you already know that. You know I am reluctant, so you cautiously hold my hand and allow me to move slowly, without teasing or mocking, allowing me to bloom at my own pace. We are in no hurry.

Everything I am in this world is good enough for you. For you have come to realize that life's real treasures do not lie in this material plane; they can neither be bought nor sold nor coveted by the masses.

I get to alternately be your little girl and your grown woman, a frightened child and a courageous warrior, battling life for you, and me, and us. And when I cannot fight the battle on my own, you allow me to retreat, and you think no less of me for it.

You are not intimidated by my mind nor are you diminished when I challenge you or express my ideas and beliefs that do not agree with your own. You encourage me to share my thoughts and words as well as find them intellectually stimulating and a vehicle of growth for us both.
With you, I get to be gentle and I get to be strong. You get to be the hero and you get to be the fallen, and you know that you are still loved unconditionally either way.

You know I am an independent being, who sometimes needs your hand to reassure me and remind me of your supportive love. You are not threatened by my independence because you are here to support, not control, to walk beside me, not in front of me.

I am permitted to cry on your shoulder, lay my head on your chest, and be wrapped up in your arms in the warmest embrace that says life is outside the door, and we are tucked away inside, together and safe. You never view my tears as weakness, you never make me feel less than you, and you cherish your role as my protector. Your shoulders are strong, and I never become too much for you to carry.

Most of all, I am free to be me and express all the nuances and eccentricities that make me who I am, without fear of ridicule or abandonment. You find beauty in my imperfections; you are endeared by what others never understood; you find delight in my laughter and you find peace in my arms. You comfort me when I'm at my lowest and celebrate with me when I'm at my highest.

You understand that who I am today is the zenith of all that I have experienced; you are patient and understanding that my heart has been wounded, scarred, healed, and scarred more. I come to you just as I am, with no pretense. I am imperfect and beautifully flawed. But I have an incredible capacity to love deeply with all that I have in me, and I have yet to find the person to return and value that love.

I look forward to finding you, wherever you are, as distance does not matter. I sustain hope that you are out there somewhere looking for me as I look for you. I have been waiting a lifetime for you; found the one that I thought was you, only to be proven wrong. "

It's not perfect, but it says enough.

On a more positive note, I got accepted for voc rehab. So hopefully things will get moving with that soon. I dont know what's going to happen with me, all I know is that I know what my goals in life are. I have to pick myself up and keep moving forward, even if it hurts.

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