It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


I guess I’m finally at the point now where I feel like I can talk about things a bit. Even I’m not really sure what happened with me and Megan, all I know is that she thought we moved too fast. Maybe she’s right, the situation we were in didn’t exactly lend itself to letting us take our time and get to know each other. I also think my hormones being switched around from the usual played some part in how I took things. The shot gave me a bit of a high the first half of the week, then that kind of dropped off as the week went on. The progesterone added to that probably didn’t help much either. I feel like I’ve put my emotions through a blender in the last week or so. I did end up cutting again myself, but there’s no use bitching about it. I just have to take in stride and make sure I don’t do it again. I’m not sure where things are going to go with Megan and I, she just wants us to stay friends for now. She still wants me to come back and see her again sometime soon, and there’s still the chance of us getting back together in the future. That’s what she told me at least. I’m still confused as hell about it all, but I guess I can’t really do anything about it other than accept it. I still care about her, probably more deeply than she realizes. It’s been rough this past week, but I can’t help but care still, even after all of this. I’ve known her for 7 months, and we’ve been pretty close friends for most of that time. I already cared a good while ago; I just have even more reason to now. She hasn’t really explained much of this to me, but I think I may have some idea of what’s going on now. I’m not going to ask, I know trying to get her to talk right now is just going to make things worse. When I was with Richard and he tried to leave me I just had to sit down and talk everything out and it would be ok. I guess I have to accept that it probably won’t work that way in this case. I have to let her figure things out on her own, that’s the lesson I suppose I have to learn from this. I have to let her go and hope she comes back to me, that’s about all I know to do now. I was talking to her ex last night and she told me that things got pretty bad again and she switched. The whole time all I can think is how much I wish I had been there. I already know from her that whatever I do seems to help stabilize her. I’ve already made friends with and gotten the respect of the most violent of her other personalities, but I still hate to see her like that. I know her family is putting the stress on her that causes a lot of it. I just want to be there so bad to comfort her when things get bad and watch out for her when she’s depressed. Whether she’s just a friend or more, I don’t want to see anything bad happen to her. I called her today and talked to her for a bit to make sure that she was ok. I got her to promise that would try to call me when things get bad. I can’t do much other than talk from here, but it’s better than nothing and it’s worked before. I’ve done my research and I’ve been through the experience, so I know how to talk to someone when they’re in a situation like that. I’m not sure if anyone else in that house other than her ex even knows about the switching, I didn’t want to ask. I’ve already proven my ability to stay calm in a tense situation and take control effectively; I just wish her family would care a little more. I told her today that when I come back I’m paying for her to get her new ID. I want her to finish her name change, and if it takes 30 bucks of my own money to do it I can live with that. I want her to have a chance to get a job and get out of that house and away from the people that stress her out and don’t appreciate what she does for them. I told her she doesn’t have to worry about paying me back until she has a job and can afford it. She gave me meds worth well over 40 bucks that she paid for, the least I can do is pay her back in this way. I can’t change my feelings for her, but I can still do whatever I’m able to in order to help her out. It’s not much compared to what she’s done for me already, but it’s the thought that counts, to be a little cliché. I’m not sure if she’ll read this, but if she does I hope she realizes how much I care.

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