It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


I guess I’m finally at the point now where I feel like I can talk about things a bit. Even I’m not really sure what happened with me and Megan, all I know is that she thought we moved too fast. Maybe she’s right, the situation we were in didn’t exactly lend itself to letting us take our time and get to know each other. I also think my hormones being switched around from the usual played some part in how I took things. The shot gave me a bit of a high the first half of the week, then that kind of dropped off as the week went on. The progesterone added to that probably didn’t help much either. I feel like I’ve put my emotions through a blender in the last week or so. I did end up cutting again myself, but there’s no use bitching about it. I just have to take in stride and make sure I don’t do it again. I’m not sure where things are going to go with Megan and I, she just wants us to stay friends for now. She still wants me to come back and see her again sometime soon, and there’s still the chance of us getting back together in the future. That’s what she told me at least. I’m still confused as hell about it all, but I guess I can’t really do anything about it other than accept it. I still care about her, probably more deeply than she realizes. It’s been rough this past week, but I can’t help but care still, even after all of this. I’ve known her for 7 months, and we’ve been pretty close friends for most of that time. I already cared a good while ago; I just have even more reason to now. She hasn’t really explained much of this to me, but I think I may have some idea of what’s going on now. I’m not going to ask, I know trying to get her to talk right now is just going to make things worse. When I was with Richard and he tried to leave me I just had to sit down and talk everything out and it would be ok. I guess I have to accept that it probably won’t work that way in this case. I have to let her figure things out on her own, that’s the lesson I suppose I have to learn from this. I have to let her go and hope she comes back to me, that’s about all I know to do now. I was talking to her ex last night and she told me that things got pretty bad again and she switched. The whole time all I can think is how much I wish I had been there. I already know from her that whatever I do seems to help stabilize her. I’ve already made friends with and gotten the respect of the most violent of her other personalities, but I still hate to see her like that. I know her family is putting the stress on her that causes a lot of it. I just want to be there so bad to comfort her when things get bad and watch out for her when she’s depressed. Whether she’s just a friend or more, I don’t want to see anything bad happen to her. I called her today and talked to her for a bit to make sure that she was ok. I got her to promise that would try to call me when things get bad. I can’t do much other than talk from here, but it’s better than nothing and it’s worked before. I’ve done my research and I’ve been through the experience, so I know how to talk to someone when they’re in a situation like that. I’m not sure if anyone else in that house other than her ex even knows about the switching, I didn’t want to ask. I’ve already proven my ability to stay calm in a tense situation and take control effectively; I just wish her family would care a little more. I told her today that when I come back I’m paying for her to get her new ID. I want her to finish her name change, and if it takes 30 bucks of my own money to do it I can live with that. I want her to have a chance to get a job and get out of that house and away from the people that stress her out and don’t appreciate what she does for them. I told her she doesn’t have to worry about paying me back until she has a job and can afford it. She gave me meds worth well over 40 bucks that she paid for, the least I can do is pay her back in this way. I can’t change my feelings for her, but I can still do whatever I’m able to in order to help her out. It’s not much compared to what she’s done for me already, but it’s the thought that counts, to be a little cliché. I’m not sure if she’ll read this, but if she does I hope she realizes how much I care.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thinking Outloud

Lets just say things with Megan and I could be better. We're stepping back and slowing things down for a bit to see where they take us. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore than that, I just hope it turns out well for me. So instead I'm going to post something different. I saw a personals ad on craigslist once that was written so well that I kind of stole the idea and filled in my own things for it. It pretty much says what I'm looking for in a significant other. I know what I want, and this is it.

"To my kindred spirit...I have yet to meet you, but you already know that. You know I am reluctant, so you cautiously hold my hand and allow me to move slowly, without teasing or mocking, allowing me to bloom at my own pace. We are in no hurry.

Everything I am in this world is good enough for you. For you have come to realize that life's real treasures do not lie in this material plane; they can neither be bought nor sold nor coveted by the masses.

I get to alternately be your little girl and your grown woman, a frightened child and a courageous warrior, battling life for you, and me, and us. And when I cannot fight the battle on my own, you allow me to retreat, and you think no less of me for it.

You are not intimidated by my mind nor are you diminished when I challenge you or express my ideas and beliefs that do not agree with your own. You encourage me to share my thoughts and words as well as find them intellectually stimulating and a vehicle of growth for us both.
With you, I get to be gentle and I get to be strong. You get to be the hero and you get to be the fallen, and you know that you are still loved unconditionally either way.

You know I am an independent being, who sometimes needs your hand to reassure me and remind me of your supportive love. You are not threatened by my independence because you are here to support, not control, to walk beside me, not in front of me.

I am permitted to cry on your shoulder, lay my head on your chest, and be wrapped up in your arms in the warmest embrace that says life is outside the door, and we are tucked away inside, together and safe. You never view my tears as weakness, you never make me feel less than you, and you cherish your role as my protector. Your shoulders are strong, and I never become too much for you to carry.

Most of all, I am free to be me and express all the nuances and eccentricities that make me who I am, without fear of ridicule or abandonment. You find beauty in my imperfections; you are endeared by what others never understood; you find delight in my laughter and you find peace in my arms. You comfort me when I'm at my lowest and celebrate with me when I'm at my highest.

You understand that who I am today is the zenith of all that I have experienced; you are patient and understanding that my heart has been wounded, scarred, healed, and scarred more. I come to you just as I am, with no pretense. I am imperfect and beautifully flawed. But I have an incredible capacity to love deeply with all that I have in me, and I have yet to find the person to return and value that love.

I look forward to finding you, wherever you are, as distance does not matter. I sustain hope that you are out there somewhere looking for me as I look for you. I have been waiting a lifetime for you; found the one that I thought was you, only to be proven wrong. "

It's not perfect, but it says enough.

On a more positive note, I got accepted for voc rehab. So hopefully things will get moving with that soon. I dont know what's going to happen with me, all I know is that I know what my goals in life are. I have to pick myself up and keep moving forward, even if it hurts.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Good Things

Ok, I know I did more bitching than anything on here while I was at Megan's. Now I want to write about all the good stuff that happened. Things seem to have settled down with her ex and we're getting along, so I'm going to take that as a good sign for now. Valentines Day, the original purpose of me coming to see her, went pretty well. I think I wrote about this already, but I'm going to again, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself at all. It wasn't too bad, she took me out to eat at this Indian buffet since I said I never had Indian food and wanted to try it. We walked around and went to a few stores after that just kind of spending time together. We talked about making jewelry and selling it on eBay while we were looking at stuff in a craft store. We went to this little organic grocery store after that and she got these big chocolate chip cookies for us. We went and picked her mom up from work after that and went home. It wasn't anything too big and special, but it still meant a lot to me just to have some time alone with her. The bathroom was the only place at her house that we got any time alone together, but I think that proved to be fun for both of us. I'll spare the details, but I wasn't quite as uncomfortable with things as I thought I would be. I guess being with someone that feels the same about their body as I do helps even more than I expected it to. I think knowing each other for as long as we already have made things move that way a bit faster than I'm used to. We already know each others likes and dislikes, so it was all just a matter of getting comfortable with each other in person, which took all of an hour on the way to her house. We still managed to have a good time together, in spite of all the stress and bullshit going on around us. She took us all out to have Chinese Tuesday night, which was pretty good, even though I was still a bit stressed out from things the night before. I got to finally have some real sushi, not just the little rice and vegetable rolls. I found out I liked it more than I expected to. I like trying new things, even she wouldn't try the raw stuff, but I found out the tuna and salmon rolls were my favorites. I know it's a bit risky, but I actually let her give me one of her estrogen shots before I left Wednesday night. She got taken off of them by her doctor and has a bunch left still, and she offered to give me one to see if I liked them better than the pills. It also saves me a weeks worth of my estrogen pills, we worked out the dosage to match per day what I'm on. I was nervous about it, but it didn't hurt at all. About the worst that happened was my stomach felt upset the day after, but that's pretty normal. It was just a more concentrated dose than I'm used to, and I had the same thing happen for a while after I started the pills at first too. It lasted all of a day, so I'm not too worried. She offered to teach me how to give myself the shots when I come back, hopefully next week, and she would give me the rest of them. She's really sweet and nice if you can't tell. She gave me some of her progesterone pills too, to help round the boobs out a bit. This was just out of nowhere before I left, so it was like TG Christmas to me. I'm playing it safe with the meds though, I'm only using a small dosage of the progesterone. She knows what she's doing with the shots, so I trust her with giving them to me and teaching me how to do it for myself. I can't believe things actually went in the direction they did with us. I'll admit that for a while the whole MPD thing kind of scared me away from trying to go out with her. I guess knowing that I seem to be able to snap her back to reality and keep her grounded kind of softened my position on that. It still worries me, but I think if I was there with her all the time she'll be a lot more stable in the long run. I know it's only when she's really stressed and tired at the same time when the switching happens, so it helps to know what triggers it so I can help her avoid it. I just let myself finally have the feelings for her I knew were there trying to come out all along and I had tried to suppress. She's amazing as far as I'm concerned. She worked on my laptop while I was there and re did everything so that it runs a bit faster and has virus protection now, and wants me to bring my desktop next time so she can do the same with it. So far, I'm yet to find anything she can't do, so it makes me feel like I'm with someone that isn't afraid to do a little hard work. I guess I just feel more stable and secure with someone like that, something I never felt with my ex. We're alike in so many ways, but we have enough differences to make it to where we sort of complete each other. I don't know if I'm setting my hopes too high just yet or not, but I hope this lasts. As it stands now we have some rough times ahead of us still, but I have a good feeling about her. I love her, and I'd go through everything I did while I was there again, just to spend another week with her. Call me crazy, but then again I guess you can say me and her are both crazy as hell.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Too Much

Things are a bit better than my last post. I won't even try to justify any of the things I did, I know I could have handled things differently. I just don't like to see the person I love upset and stressed out. Things got pretty bad again the night before last. Megan eventually walked out of the room and went upstairs, I found out a little later that she had cut herself when she went in the bathroom. After I made sure she was ok I went back downstairs to keep an eye on her ex. Megan's friend came down too and we both sat down and tried to talk to her. I apologized for anything I had done to upset or offend her, but I also made it clear about how I feel about Megan. I told her that I don't hate her, I just don't like seeing the person I love being put through all this stress. I told her I was sorry if I had misunderstood some of the things she said to me about Megan before that made me think she didn't like her anymore. I also said that I don't care if they stay friends, and that I want us to be friends for Megan's sake. I know it's tearing her apart on the inside to have to deal with all of this. I don't know if anything me and her friend said helped, I hope it did. It all boils down to I apologized for my indiscretions and tried to bridge the gap between us. She's been better the 2 days, so maybe it helped. Me and Megan both sat down with her and tried to talk things out. To more or less say that we're trying to be friends with her, but she needs to try to work with us. I don't know, things are just weird right now. I feel bad about the way I acted, but at the same time feel like I was pushed and I just did all I knew to do. I just hope that everything turns out for the best. I went back upstairs with Megan after me and her friend decided to give her ex some time to herself. I got her to lay down on the couch and lay her head on my lap and try to sleep. Her ex came up a little bit later and said it was ok to bring her back down. Things really got weird at that point. Megan has MPD, and apparently switched from all the stress and no one realized it. She pulled her ex in the bed with us and then was trying to feel us both up. I was kind of weirded out from the beginning, but in the middle of all that lets just say the part I want to be rid of got played with and I thought it was Megan until I asked where her hands were. I think it's possible something did happen to me when I was younger, because after that I just wanted to cry and I started shaking. I think that's what snapped her out of it, she asked me what was wrong and I told her that I might have been raped when I was little. I've been kind of jumpy and nervous ever since. We went out last night for a while and it was all I could do not to break down crying most of the time. I tried pushing it out of my mind but Megan noticed that something was wrong and made go upstairs and talk. I broke down sitting in her lap. There's just been way too much stress on me since I've been here. I'm coming home tonight, so I guess I'll see where things take me.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Weekend

This has certainly been the most interesting weekend of my life. Megan came down really late Friday night and picked me up, which was a story unto itself trying to get back to her house without her falling asleep. The psyco bitch went off again the night before and she took her to the hospital and was up all night and day. When it got here is when it really got interesting. The bitch ex girlfriend thought talking shit about me right in front of me would somehow deter me from dating Megan. Little did she know that I wasn't going to play by her rules. She whines "when is she going to leave", "she's stealing my best friend", "get off of her", I just flash my knife at her and completely ignore it instead of talking shit back at her. She wants me to get upset and bitch, but I refuse to play her game and let her make herself look like a victim. She refuses to sleep upstairs like we agreed she would before I came, even though Megan's sister is gone until Tuesday. So me and her have to sleep on the uncomfortable pull out couch bed while she takes over the queen size mattress with her fat ass. Anytime me and Megan try to do anything alone or even sit together on the other side of the room from her she bitches "I feel left out". Honestly, I want to look over at her the next time I hear that and tell her to take a hint. She really pushed her luck Saturday night. She went off about how she knew we wanted alone time but you don't always get what you want. I felt like going over and holding her at knife point until she agreed to leave the damn room. She wants me to act like I'm just Megan's friend in front of her to make it easier for her. That night she wouldn't back off until Megan was so exhausted that she layed down in the floor when the bitch wanted her to sleep in the bed with her. I went over and completely ignored her comment of "get your hands off her", and got her up and back in bed with me. Then I sat cross legged on the bed next to her for the next half hour with a knife in each hand starring at the psyco bitch to freak her out until she went to sleep. Everyone here hates her, and Megan's family loves me because I'm not putting up with her bullshit. We can't get alone time in her room, so we take showers together and sneak off the bathroom for it. Going to the bathroom is pretty much code for bitch free time. The alone time has been amazing though, I should have dated another trans girl a long time ago. She's more experienced than me, so that makes it all the better on my end. Anyway, I think I have the bitch scared by now, if she isn't she should be. No on has ever pushed me as close to stabbing them as she has. At any rate, I think I've bitched enough now, time to go think of ways to make her feel miserable enough to leave us the fuck along already.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Meeting

I finally got to meet the voc rehab person today. It was mostly just paperwork, signing release forms, and talking about what exactly I was hoping for. She still needs to call my therapist to more or less confirm everything and I should find out in the next couple of weeks if I qualify for them to help me. It's a good chance though since a psychologist referred me to them. The person I talked to was very understanding of things, even said she thought I had a pretty name. I'm hopeful that everything will work out well. She even said that if I do eventually move up to Maryland they could get me in touch with the voc rehab people up there. I don't know what's going to happen, but with any luck it's going to be good for me. I talked Megan into telling her ex about us today, which not suprisingly upset her and made her cry. I wanted to get it over with before I'm there in person. I really want to go see her still, but right now it feels like I'm about to walk into a mine field or something. It's really frustrating feeling like I have to hide how I feel about her because her ex can't seem to let go. Personally I'm of the opinion that she can put up with it or fucking leave, but I'm trying to be patient with her for Megan's sake. All I want is to go be with the person I love and hope to start a relationship with, is it too much to ask that we have some time alone together? I know she's trying to work some out, but it still feels awkward to have her ex living in the same house. I hate to say it, but it makes wonder if it's really worth it. I don't know, I guess I'll find out what happens. I just hope I don't reget going there later. I hate putting up with all this bullshit, it's being really emotionally draining on me. This whole thing is just seeming like it's too much work right now, but I hope I'm wrong.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Big News

I have some big news; I seem to have finally gotten a girlfriend. Not only that, but she lives close enough to go spend the weekend with on Friday and she’s TS too. She lives up in Maryland not too far from DC, and she wants me to come spend the weekend with her for Valentines Day. I’ve known her since July, and we did a bit flirting and stuff back then, but I wasn’t really over my ex at the time. I also had a thing for someone else, but that never went anywhere. We’ve been friends ever since, but I guess lately we had been talking a little more than usual. I also finally decided to give up on the other person since she didn’t have the same feelings about me. I can’t say I saw this coming, but she’s persistent, so I guess it’s worth seeing where things go. It’s not really official yet; we want to meet in person first. We’re pretty sure it’s going to move in that direction though. I’ve never dated another trans girl, so it’s something new for me, but I think I’ll like it. We get along really well so far, and we both have pretty similar views on sex. At least I know this shouldn’t be as rough on me as being with my ex boyfriend. She actually likes to go out and do stuff, unlike him. She was trained as a computer technician and helped me fix my laptop over the phone the other day. She also knows how to hang dry wall and do electrical wiring, and she can also cook. Needless to say I think we’ll work pretty well together. She knows how to do stuff I don’t and I can do the she doesn’t know how to, so I guess you can say we complete each other in a way. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’ve got hope that it’s going to be good. The only problem is her psycho bitch ex girlfriend is still living with her. She had been talking to me as a friend before last week. When she found out I liked my girlfriend as more than a friend she went off. She threatened Megan (that’s her name), tore the arms off a teddy bear of hers, threw her laptop across the room, and tried to kill herself. She got put in the psych ward at the hospital since last Thursday and had been saying until last night that she was going kill herself if Megan and me dated. She can’t seem to get it that my girlfriend doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She’s been living with her as friend because she has nowhere else to go. She beat Megan up back in November and knocked her unconscious and threatened to do the same the other night, so right now I don’t like her much. She got out of the hospital today, but she’s saying now that she can compromise and sleep upstairs while I'm there. She’s also getting booted out if she causes any more trouble. Since Megan asked me to I’m keeping my mouth shut around her if I can’t say anything nice, but I still don’t trust her. Who would blame me though, she hurt my Meggy, so she’s on extremely thin ice with me. I’m giving her a chance though, for Megan. I also heard from the voc rehab people today. I can actually meet the person at an office that’s within walking distance of my house tomorrow at two, so there’s a lot of good news lately. I’ll write more tomorrow to say how it goes.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


My painting series about my transition is finished! Opinions are welcomed.