It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Good and Bad News

I finally got that packet to fill out for voc rehab in the mail on Tuesday, I've been working on getting it filled out. I'm hoping to finish it up tonight after letting my therapist go over it with me and get it mailed tomorrow. Hopfully they can help me find a job. It comes as kind of a small consolation after the weekend though. I finally got to hang out with my best friend for the first time in 2 months, but I'm starting to wonder if it's a good idea that I don't hang out with her that much anymore. Apparently her and her new boyfriend have been shoplifting like crazy and trying coke and aderall. I'm ashamed to say they tempted me enough to steal a couple of things myself Saturday night. What's even worse her boyfriend got caught trying to get a CD out of the package in an FYE that night, but luckily he paid for it and we left with no trouble. It was at that point where I decided I've had enough. The only times I've ever shoplifted is when it's something I really need, I can't afford to buy it, and it's not more than 10 dollars or so. Not to mention I'm not dumb enough to try to steal stuff with security tags on it. What really scares me is that I would have tried aderall and maybe even coke if I had stayed the night with them like was the original plan. I made up an excuse to go home that night because I didn't want to put myself in a situation like that. I'm disappointed in myself for even asking for any aderall, the only reason I didn't get any was because she didn't have it with her. I've been agonizing over this ever since, and as much as it hurts to say, I think me and her are about to go our seperate ways. I've got too much at stake to get involved with hard drug use and shoplifting. I'm disappointed in what I did and what I stood by and helped to happen. I can't hang out with friends that could potentially take me down with them when that stuff catches up to them. I sent her a message to say that I'm worried about her but that I'm always here for her. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is I don't need to be hanging out around her with all of that stuff in the picture. I hope she learns her lesson soon, I just hope it doesn't kill her first. I don't want to go to another friend's funeral anytime soon.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Frustrations and Successes

Well, this has been a trying, yet somehow productive week. I called the voc rehab place on Tuesday, I forgot Monday was a holiday, but things got frustrating really fast. They told me the Williamsburg office doesn’t cover my area, which makes no sense to me since I’m only about a 20-minute drive away. It’s about 15 miles on a straight measure, but the roads twist and turn a lot. I explained this to them, but the decided to tell me to call the Henrico office. That’s at least an hour away from me I told them, but they said they were the one that covers my area. I call the fucking Henrico office, tell them where I’m from, they don’t cover my area either. They tell me the Warsaw office covers my area. That isn’t much better; it’s probably 45 minutes to an hour to get there too. To make it even worse, Warsaw is right in the middle of hickville. I didn’t even bother calling them that day; I needed to ask my grandparents first if they would take me that far. Of course they said no when I asked them. I talked to my therapist about it on Wednesday and she told me to just call the main office and ask them to look up which office I need to call. I did that yesterday; unfortunately it is the Warsaw office. I managed to convince my grandparents to take me that far if I get an appointment, but they said they would only do it once. I called there and got everything set up. They have to mail a packet thing to me to fill out about my situation, and then I mail it back to them as soon as possible. I should get a call back from them at some point after they get it to make an appointment. As if to drive the hickville point home, the person I talked to had a very thick southern accent. I can only imagine what I’m about to walk into on this one. Oh well, I need a job, so I have to take help where I can find it. I hope I don’t get any trouble from them; it is their job to help me find a job after all. At least I know I’ve got something to look forward to at this point. If I just make it to the appointment it’s a step in the right direction. On the plus side, I made another painting that day. I decided to turn the first one I finished into part of a series of three paintings to represent my transition. So far I’ve got the before transition and during transition ones finished, I’m working on the third one for looking towards the future. Finishing that first painting seemed to spark my inspiration again, and it feels so great to finally have it back. I had been trying to get inspired to write for months, but I guess it was my art all along that I needed to look toward for inspiration. All I know is I have more painting ideas right now than I can do at once. I don’t know what’s going to come of all this, but at least I feel like I’m doing something right about my job situation.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My Painting is Finished!

I started a painting in early 08 to kind of represent me and my transition, but it had been sitting around for almost 2 years unfinished. I did a little work on painting myself into it a few months ago, but I ended up setting it to the side before finishing again. I came up with the inspiration in the last few days to finally finish it, and it turned out to be a lot more than I originally intended it to be.

It started as a sort of self portrait, but I decided after sketching a guide for the face that I would just leave the pencil. I like to think of it as representing TG people as a whole. The pencil is non permanent and erasable and represents the ability of the viewer to put them self in the picture. I think it gives a message of it can be anyone. Tell me what you think, I like feedback. I want to try to start painting more often if I can. Here's a link to a bigger image of the painting. http://s376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/sagefallon/?action=view&current=painting4.jpg

Friday, January 15, 2010


I finally managed to get my estrogen yesterday, which helps put my mind at ease a bit. I talked to someone at the clinic today about the cardiogram. Luckily I can just wait until my next appointment and they can do it then since it's not needed right away. I did finally get my grandparents to agree to take me to the vocational rehab place if I set up an appointment. I plan on calling and trying to do that on Monday. I also found out from my grandparents that no one else in the extended family knows about me. That was a bit of a disappointment, but at least I know now. With any luck I may find a job in the next month or two. I have to make at least part of the money I need to get an orchiectomy before I turn 23. I lose my insurance then, which means I lose my therapy appointments. So, I need to get it done in less than a year so I can get a letter from my therapist for it before I have to stop going. If I can at least get that surgery I can take my time saving up for SRS. I know it's going to be a while before I can get it, I just want to save myself some money on meds and make electrolysis easier. I have to get my transition moving forward again, so this time I've really got to make things count.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Issues

I know I haven't written anything since the year began, I just haven't had anything to write about. I did go to my doctor yesterday, which seems to have given me plenty to write about. My friend and I left a few hours earlier than we needed to for my appointment, so we had a while to hang around the city and do whatever. She had me walk like 12 blocks with her in 30 degree weather looking for a used book store so she could get a book for one of her classes. It was closed when we finally found it, then we went to another store a block up and it had a parking garage next to it, and they didn't have it. So we looked around and found another one that didn't have it but the guy found it on Amazon for almost nothing. So we walked all the way back to the car and decided to go to Barns and Noble, get coffee, and hangout in the lounge area with our laptops. That at least made up for all the walking and shivering I was doing by then. I dropped my hormone prescriptions off at Walgreens before we went to the clinic so I could pick them up after my appointment. The appointment went alright, but my doctor says she wants me to get a cardiogram. The faster pulse than normal has her concerned. She says it's probably nothing serious, since my mom has the same thing. She just wants me to get it checked out to make sure. Apparently it runs in my family, but my mom said it hasn't caused her any problems. So I need to make a phone call in the next few days to see about setting the appointment up for that. It's during regular clinic hours, so I have to see another doctor for it. Walgreens managed to frustrate me yet again after my appointment. They filled my t blocker with no problem, but they were low on estrogen. So they could only partially fill it, but when I asked if they could forward the rest of the refill to the one near me they couldn't do that. So they said they can hold the prescription and forward it to the one near me for them to fill. I took care of making the phone call for that last night, so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow morning. I hate pharmacies sometimes. We got pizza afterwards, and that was about it for the day. Now I just have to hope that everything works out well with getting my damn estrogen tomorrow. I'll switch pharmacies if I have to, I'm getting sick of partial refills