It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Holiday Madness

Well, not too much has been going on lately that’s really worth writing about, but there’s plenty now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. My grandma seems to still have issues with seeing me as a woman. She asked me a few weeks ago to make a list of stuff that I would want for Christmas, it was the first time I had actually done one in a few years. I was reluctant to put it on there, but I put the type of women’s underwear down that I wear. They were pretty good about the clothes last year. She asked me yesterday where to find my size at, I’m a 4, so it’s just a size below what most places carry. I can't help it that I'm skinny as hell, blame my mom, she's where I get it from. I tell her Walmart, and a few other similar stores, even Victoria's secret, and she goes off on me about how all she can find in that size are little girls underwear. She bitches about she doesn’t think they make them in size 4 for adults, and acts like I told her to go to the ends of the earth to find them. I got frustrated and said that I can’t help the situation I’m in, that I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I can get. I even said it’s fine if she can’t find them, I can look on my own. After that we get into another argument. I brought up something my therapist had mentioned to me before that might help me get a job. Something called vocational rehabilitation, it’s to help anyone that’s got any kind of physical, metal, or emotional problems or disabilities, find and keep a job. The service is free, you just make an appointment, and after that go to the office and they talk to you and help you figure out what’s hiring in your area and see what they can do to help you find a place to work. There’s an office in Williamsburg, only about a half hours drive from here, and with my history, I think I will easily meet the conditions to be accepted. That’s pretty much what I told them, although they interrupted and wouldn’t let me finish half the time. It’s because of my family that I hate to be interrupted mid sentence. My grandma, once again, acts like I’ve asked them to help me infiltrate the temple of doom or something. No amount of explaining seems as though it will convince them to help me out with that, even though they go to Williamsburg to see family all the fucking time. She bitches at me about how she feels like she lost the old me, and acts like I killed myself or something. She even pulled a sob story on me about how she saw my old baby blanket and some clothes I wore when I was little Thanksgiving morning when she was looking for something and cried. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? All I could, and ever will be able to say is that I’m still me. I may look a bit different and have a different name now, but that doesn’t change who I am. If anything I’m more me now than I used to be. I know of nothing better that I can say to that. She says she feels like she doesn’t know me anymore, and bitches about how it’s because I stay in my room most of the time at home and don’t want to eat dinner at the table with them. I tell her, I only eat dinner in my room because it’s better than sitting with them in an awkward silence for the duration of a meal, and that I only stay in my room so much because they alienate me by never talking about anything that’s important to me. The only thing worse than an awkwardly silent dinner with my family is an awkwardly silent dinner with my friend’s very homophobic step dad that hates me. She tells me that she wants to get to know me, but that she thinks it’s too late for it, and I just say ask me anything you want to know, anything, anytime. She bitches that I won’t do anything with them; they don’t make any effort to really do anything with me or get to know me. It’s hard to get to know me if you never fucking ask me about anything I care about. Anytime I try to give her that opportunity she hates what she hears and tells me to leave her alone, so what the fuck am I supposed to do! This is one reason I hate the holidays, senseless arguing mixed with the fact that most people I know have better things to do than hang out with me. I’m always lonely this time of year, is it any wonder I do most of my drinking between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day? Every holiday during that time just reminds me of how emotionally isolated I am from my family, and how few friends I have in the area. This was long, but I needed to vent somewhere. I promise I'm fine, just a bit frustrated at the moment.

1 comment:

Amy K. said...

I hear you. I've made a new family, but I miss my "original" one very much. I hope your holidays are as happy as they can be, considering.