It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years

I guess it’s time once again to take a look back at the last year and how much I accomplished. It’s been a rough one to say the least, but I at least came out of it with a few things I’m proud of. The first and biggest one I would have to say is getting my name changed, that’s a feat in and of itself when you’re TG. Richard and I breaking up kind of happened at about the same time, so I may not have celebrated quite as much as I should have. It was kind of like the high and low point of my year both happened at the same time. I had my estrogen dosage raised again, which is always an occurrence to be happy about. It even saved me a bit of money by getting it raised, oddly enough. I finally got myself back into therapy, and found a therapist close by with experience working with TG people at that. It definitely helped pull me out of my downward spiral I was headed for over the summer. I managed to over come my depression for the most part with a little push from a friend shortly after too. I’d say those are the major ones. It’s not quite what I had in mind for this year, I had hoped to accomplish more, but I have to take what I can get. I can thank congress and Bush for fucking up the economy, which has kind of slowed me down a bit. I’m just going to say I did well, all things considered. I have plenty more that needs to be done, but I have to appreciate the small things too. I need to take what I can get when I can get it. I’ve got a god feeling about 2010, I think I can make a lot of things happen for me in the next year. As of now, it’s looking like I’m heading into it better than I did 09. I’m just staying home this year for New Years, and I have no alcohol. I’ll be able to stand up without wobbling or falling down this year. I’m not making that mistake twice; I got off to a bad start in this year right from the minute it began. I can’t say I’m disappointed in it, but I feel like I could have done better. I’m a believer in karma, so maybe if I bring the new year in sober more good things will happen to me during it. I’m not enough of a psychic to see, but I guess time will tell. I have my hope, and as long as I do, there’s still a chance for me yet. Transition or die trying is the motto I live every day by, and that’s one thing I can say I’ve done a great job at so far. I don’t plan on ever doing any less than just that.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Mending Fences

I actually had a pretty good day today, well last night and today both. My grandma asked me last night if I wanted to go with them to see my aunt today. She hadn’t really seen me since I went full time or changed my name, but since she knew about it already I decided to go. I figured I might try to mend a few fences with the family, so to speak. Even though I had to get up early, I’m glad I went. She actually called me Sage the whole time when she talked to me, and didn’t really ask any awkward questions and stuff like I was half expecting. We went out to eat and shopped at a couple of thrift stores afterwards. I found an awesome little jewelry box for 2 bucks, and a smaller purse like I’ve been wanting for 7. So things actually went way better than I expected them to today. It feels so good to reconnect with family. I can’t help wishing I had done this sooner, but I guess I made snap judgments just like I didn’t want my family making about me. I’ll admit that I hadn’t really given them a fair chance until now, and I’m glad I did. It almost feels like a slightly late present to me. Also, not long after I had decided to go last night, I tried turning my laptop on one last time in hopes that just maybe it would work, and it did. I have no clue what happened in the first place or to get it going again. It’s as if it just decided it wasn’t going to work for a while. If that’s not proof of karma I don’t know what is. I’m actually happy, something I wasn’t expecting for the holidays this year. People are getting even older in my family, they are my grandma’s siblings after all, and if I don’t give them a chance to accept me soon it may be too late later on. I grew up around most of these people, so it does mean a lot to me to know that some of them accept me as I am. I spent so much of my teens and especially the last 2 years avoiding them, now I’m starting to regret it, but at least there’s still time to make up for it. Maybe my family isn’t quite so bad as I had in mind this whole time. If my friends are too busy for me, I guess I should try to spend time with the only people that feel obligated to see me. Looks like the new year may give me a new chance with my family, I guess we’ll find out.

Saturday, December 26, 2009


I suppose I should write something about how the holidays and Christmas went. I sat at home on my ass and did pretty much nothing on my birthday, aside from getting my family to get a pizza for me. I did get a nice black knit scarf with a hat and gloves to match it and 20 bucks, but it fell a bit short of memorable. It seems like every birthday since I was 16 or so has been that way. My mom didn't even call me, she texted me, it was a nice gesture, but I guess I'm a bit old fashion. I appreciate the times when a phone was just a phone, when you had to actually pick it up and talk to the person you wanted to tell something to. It just means a bit more to me to get a call than a text. On the plus side I didn't go hungry, I just gorged myself on pizza most of the day and soda against my better judgement. I forget eating healthy for at least a day when it's my birthday, I let myself have everything I shy away from normally. I laugh in the face of calories and trans fat on my birthday, and then barley eat the next day. Christmas morning wasn't too bad, aside from the fact that my laptop decided to stop working after I had just watched a DVD on it 45 minutes before. It's not a huge loss, everything on it was copied from the desktop, but it is rather disappointing, and kills the good mood just a bit. I got some clothes and other things I needed, and about 200 bucks. It helps me out a bit, a job would be better, but 200 can last me for a little while. After a string of sarcastic texts to my mom she finally called me this afternoon. It wasn't a bad Christmas overall, but it could have been better. It just sucks that I've spent most of the holidays virtually alone. Oh well, maybe next year will be better.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Stuff to Rant About

I don't really have anything that important to talk about involving myself, so I shall do commentary on whatever comes to mind.

First of all, I want to express my extreme dissatisfaction with ENDA being, once again, delayed until next year to be voted on. That's my politically correct don't make the FBI show up at my door version of how I feel. The between the lines real version; I want to go slap the asshole and/or assholes that have some kind of issues with it in the face. It's fine as is, when I hear anyone talking about revising the language of it my mind goes back to 07. You know, that time TG people were completely dropped from ENDA when the "language was revised". I'll feel like doing worse than slapping someone if they pull that shit on us again. I want to go get some of the dumbass bureaucrats that are causing the problems fired for being old and white. I want to see how they feel being discriminated against. It's way past overdue for us to be included in federal laws!

Also, what’s with the damn religious groups having problems with it? They're the ones that scream bloody murder anytime someone loses a job over a religious difference. They get their freedom from persecution, what the hell is so wrong with us having the same thing. The bill clearly states that it does not infringe upon any religious institutions or businesses rights. Read the fucking bill people! I'm sick of hearing them bitch about how they think it's going to somehow screw around with their religious rights. I'm not sure what more can be done to make them see that it will not. What has to be done in order for them to? Are they blind? Are they just that dense that they don't get it? Maybe they're just tying to cause trouble and being complete and absolute hypocrites? You be the judge my dear readers, I merely throw the questions out there.

Secondly, and on a controversial note, I'm pissed off about the legal status and misconceptions surrounding weed. I've used it, I liked it, and I had no more ill effects from it than I would have from getting drunk. In fact there were less ill effects than being drunk. So what's so damn horrible about it! Yes, some people have bad results from using it. Just as with any kind of prescription drug, if doesn't work for you, don't fucking use it! I'm sick of people, namely the government and pot haters, using that as an excuse to keep it illegal. Thus the government sponsors it's own private multimillion dollar drug black market. Prohibition people; it didn't work with alcohol, why do we expect it to work with drugs? The past 40 years have proven that the so-called "war on drugs" is more like a war on non-violent drug users. They fill the prisons up with those, and then they let the rapists and pedophiles go. People get busted for possession, where as those with 100 kilos in their basement that can get away with it get rich. Way to go justice system, lets make people's lives all the more traumatic as a result of the people let back into the system. Maybe the millionaire drug lords will pay for psych rehab for the general public? I know, they should prohibit caffeine next, it was considered for placement on the drug schedule listings back in the day you know. We dodged a bullet there didn't we?

I hate to be negative, especially this time of year, but people need to stop giving me reasons to say this stuff. I do have one good thing to say. At least I haven't let all of this stuff cause me to be depressed. I'm using this as a positive way to speak about how I feel, regardless of how many people I may piss off by saying what I have. If you have a problem with what I say, don't read it. I should have come with a parental advisory sticker tattooed on me when I was born, so that about says it all with me. It feels good to express my anger while also pointing out the short comings of this country. Don't believe my statements aren't based on facts? Google it and see, I promise I only bitch about 100% verified bullshit and injustices.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Holiday Madness

Well, not too much has been going on lately that’s really worth writing about, but there’s plenty now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. My grandma seems to still have issues with seeing me as a woman. She asked me a few weeks ago to make a list of stuff that I would want for Christmas, it was the first time I had actually done one in a few years. I was reluctant to put it on there, but I put the type of women’s underwear down that I wear. They were pretty good about the clothes last year. She asked me yesterday where to find my size at, I’m a 4, so it’s just a size below what most places carry. I can't help it that I'm skinny as hell, blame my mom, she's where I get it from. I tell her Walmart, and a few other similar stores, even Victoria's secret, and she goes off on me about how all she can find in that size are little girls underwear. She bitches about she doesn’t think they make them in size 4 for adults, and acts like I told her to go to the ends of the earth to find them. I got frustrated and said that I can’t help the situation I’m in, that I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I can get. I even said it’s fine if she can’t find them, I can look on my own. After that we get into another argument. I brought up something my therapist had mentioned to me before that might help me get a job. Something called vocational rehabilitation, it’s to help anyone that’s got any kind of physical, metal, or emotional problems or disabilities, find and keep a job. The service is free, you just make an appointment, and after that go to the office and they talk to you and help you figure out what’s hiring in your area and see what they can do to help you find a place to work. There’s an office in Williamsburg, only about a half hours drive from here, and with my history, I think I will easily meet the conditions to be accepted. That’s pretty much what I told them, although they interrupted and wouldn’t let me finish half the time. It’s because of my family that I hate to be interrupted mid sentence. My grandma, once again, acts like I’ve asked them to help me infiltrate the temple of doom or something. No amount of explaining seems as though it will convince them to help me out with that, even though they go to Williamsburg to see family all the fucking time. She bitches at me about how she feels like she lost the old me, and acts like I killed myself or something. She even pulled a sob story on me about how she saw my old baby blanket and some clothes I wore when I was little Thanksgiving morning when she was looking for something and cried. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? All I could, and ever will be able to say is that I’m still me. I may look a bit different and have a different name now, but that doesn’t change who I am. If anything I’m more me now than I used to be. I know of nothing better that I can say to that. She says she feels like she doesn’t know me anymore, and bitches about how it’s because I stay in my room most of the time at home and don’t want to eat dinner at the table with them. I tell her, I only eat dinner in my room because it’s better than sitting with them in an awkward silence for the duration of a meal, and that I only stay in my room so much because they alienate me by never talking about anything that’s important to me. The only thing worse than an awkwardly silent dinner with my family is an awkwardly silent dinner with my friend’s very homophobic step dad that hates me. She tells me that she wants to get to know me, but that she thinks it’s too late for it, and I just say ask me anything you want to know, anything, anytime. She bitches that I won’t do anything with them; they don’t make any effort to really do anything with me or get to know me. It’s hard to get to know me if you never fucking ask me about anything I care about. Anytime I try to give her that opportunity she hates what she hears and tells me to leave her alone, so what the fuck am I supposed to do! This is one reason I hate the holidays, senseless arguing mixed with the fact that most people I know have better things to do than hang out with me. I’m always lonely this time of year, is it any wonder I do most of my drinking between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day? Every holiday during that time just reminds me of how emotionally isolated I am from my family, and how few friends I have in the area. This was long, but I needed to vent somewhere. I promise I'm fine, just a bit frustrated at the moment.