It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

A New Begining

I think I've finally gotten things together enough to get my life where it needs to be. A friend who wasn't trying to spare my feelings told me a lot of things I needed to hear the other day. I wasn't too happy at first, that's because I knew they were right. I doubt myself too much, I let my fear and emotions get the better of me more than I should. It's nothing I haven't known, or been told before, but more so the person telling me that helped. She shocked me out of my depression, and made me realize that as long as I let my problems remain problems, they won't get any better no matter how much I try to fix them. For all the things I've done to try to get myself out of here, I've never fully committed to anything. I've let my fear of failure stop me from going too far, and that's got to stop. A line from a Motley Crue song actually kind of drove the point home for me. "If you want to live life on your own terms, you've got to be willing to crash and burn". I have to be willing to fail in order to succeed at anything, that's something I seemed to have lost sight of in the last couple of years. I started transition out with that attitude, and it got me a long ways. I have to take that and use for life in general. I'm not saying I'm going to throw caution to the wind and just do anything I want and hope it works out. I just have to take more risks, put something on the line every now and then and do something I may not be that comfortable with. I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone, but every time it's happened so far I've benefited from it. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm asking my therapist about anti depressants again. She knows as well as I do that my depression is mostly from my surroundings, but I don't think it would hurt to give them a try for a while. I'm ok for now, but I know when life gets tough my moods drop again. I just need something to take the edge off of the depression so I can find the energy to keep going and not crash. I've got a plan for this. My camera broke a couple weeks ago, so I'm pulling some money out of my savings and getting a better one. I won't get very far with photography without a camera, and my old 3.1 mega pixel wasn't going to get me too far anyway. I can get a 7.1 at Walmart for about 80-100 bucks, with twice as many photo modes. I'm going to consider it an investment for now. In the mean time I'm going to look for a job here in town, and put in applications at as many places as possible. I'll talk to my therapist about the meds to see if they help me out any at all. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job and save up some money. If I can get one and make a few pay checks over a few months, I'm going to try to get a decent laptop that I can do photo editing on. I can pick up a nice dell with everything I need to do that and then some for around $700, and it makes me able to pick and move my work anywhere I want. I'll also be able to pick up wireless internet signals, so I'll have my work and the internet to take anywhere with me. That will help me be a lot more flexible, so if I'm able to move out after I have the job for a while I won't have anything holding me back. I'm going to make this happen, one way or another, I swear I will. I'm tired of being depressed, and I'm tired of letting it run my life. I will not sit back any longer and watch life pass me by. I want to do a lot of things before I die, and it's not too late to start making them happen. I'm going to take a few risks and pray that they pay off. I won't give up, I've come too far to give up now.


Karoux said...

:) I like that idea, pretty much the same idea is helping me with life to. Good luck!

Briana Lynn said...

I read your blog from beginning to end, and you missy, have come along way! Good luck with every thing and update more often!!

xoxo Briana Lynn
I'm starting my own site too check it out brianalynn.weebly.com

Anonymous said...

We only live once. We'd better not waste it.
Good luck.