It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Bad Week

This last week has been pretty damn shitty for me. I decided to wear a skirt in front of my grandparents for the first time last Tuesday to go to my therapy appointment. They acted like it was the most god awful thing I could have done. I walked out to get ready to leave and my grandma looked at me and gave me a look that didn't need to be interpreted. I looked over at her and asked what was that for? After I asked two times she said that it's bad enough going out with me when I'm wearing pants. So I asked her what was so horrible about what I'm doing? She wouldn't answer me. When we got in the car I said you never answered my question, whats so horrible about what I'm doing? Then she goes off on how I'm not a girl yet, and I told her that she can say that all she wants it doesn't make it true. Then they have the nerve to not come back to pick me up until half an hour after my appointment, after I made a phone call and said I was waiting outside in the 90 degree heat. Maybe I over reacted to that one a bit, but at the time it felt like they were doing it out of spite. Then that afternoon my mom picked me up to take me to get my meds at Walgreens. I got to spend a few hours in a car with no air conditioning, so I had to sweat it out to get my meds this month. I tried talking to her some while were on the way there and back, which really is what pissed me off the most. At one point we were talking about how I should go about getting help to get out on my own and she had the nerve to tell me the same shit my grandparents do. She tells me that I made a mistake by starting the hormones and transition before getting a job and place of my own. To which I responded that I would be dead if I hadn't. Then she tells me that since she's so happy with her new boyfriend that she doesn't want to be around who isn't happy. I knew that was referring to me. So my mom pretty much confirms the feeling I had that she cares more about her boyfriend than me. Ironically I was talking about exactly that in therapy earlier that day, what a slap in the face that was to hear afterwards. At this point I just feel like I'm an annoyance to her. She does enough to try to seem like she cares, but most of the time she just doesn't care. She told me that I need to pull myself out of my depression and get mad with my situation and try to change it and get out and meet more people who could help me. I wish she could see all the times I make plans with people only to have them canceled or fall apart. My aunt called and canceled me staying with her for two weeks on Thursday, and Tuesday night I found out that I couldn't stay the night with a friend of mine the next day. So this week has just been one let down after another. My mom doesn't have a clue what I fucking go through. She told me she's been through a lot of shit, well she had a choice to not go through most of the stuff she has in life. No one forced her to get knocked up twice, she had the option of getting an abortion both times, and no one forced her to marry an asshole alcoholic that beat the shit out of her in the past. No one forced her to work a shitty dead end fast food job for 10 years when she could have tried for something better. I didn't choose to be taken from her when I was little, I didn't choose to be taken in by my grandparents, I didn't choose to be depressed, and I sure as hell didn't choose to be TG. I didn't choose to have all the issues I do, and she acts like fixing it is as simple as telling myself to cheer up and running away from the problem. I can't run from my problems, my problems are inside me, they are me. I can't just take a vacation from being TG. I've had it with my family. My mom is just apathetic to everything going on with me, my grandparents are just trying to make themselves look good while not so much as offering any emotional support, and the rest of my family is just there. No one comes and asks me how things are going, or if I'm doing alright. They're just kind of there, not really doing anything. My aunt is the only family member who when she's seen that I'm upset asks whats wrong and what can she do to help. I just hope I can make it another 2 weeks to get to see her for a bit. This fucking place is driving me crazier than I already was. I swear when I get the chance and I'm out on my own I'm severing all ties with everyone in my family but my aunt.


Melissa said...

I'm having a bit of a problem readjusting my eyes, after reading your white lettered blog on its black background. Maybe it's just my old eyes, but it's kind of like the after affect of having a camera flash go off in your eyes. It sort of leaves an imprint on the retina for a while. lol

Anyway.....I don't blame you one bit dear, for feeling the way you do. I think your grandparent's attitude is appalling. Obviously they do not understand the first thing about transsexualism, or they would know that you are indeed a girl, and a skirt is very appropriate dress for you. Your grandmother's comment, that "it's bad enough going out with you, when you are wearing pants", says that she is embarrassed to be with you, demonstrating that she is more concerned with her own public image, than with your well being. With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder that your mother turned out to be self centered too.

Unless your sympathetic aunt is willing to take you in, you really DO need to do everything you can, to get out, and get your own place. What would be best, would be to get out of the Middle Peninsula altogether, and move to Richmond. Didn't you blog once, about having friends attending VCU in Richmond? Your job prospects would surely be better there too.

God love you sweetie! I hope things work out for you.

Melissa XX

lucyinthesky... said...

dear sage...

I know how it is like to be sorrounded by people you love and they kinda love you (but don't know how to show that (or, perhaps, not even love you at all, of course...)), but they don't understand you. I won't say I can put myself into your skin, because I can't and I don't know how it is like when you're deling (gr, I forgot how to spell that :/ ) with transexualism, but I can only imagine. Though, you know, nevertheless it is really hard for you now here, where you are, no matter where'd you go, you wouldn't escape yourself. Just think about it a little. I believe it would be better to find a way of deeling (ah, that word again) with them in a right way, not caring so much about what they think and say, but just think neutral about it. Believe me, dear, it would be easier.

love and best wishes (I'm with you!),