Saturday, August 29, 2009
I think I've finally gotten things together enough to get my life where it needs to be. A friend who wasn't trying to spare my feelings told me a lot of things I needed to hear the other day. I wasn't too happy at first, that's because I knew they were right. I doubt myself too much, I let my fear and emotions get the better of me more than I should. It's nothing I haven't known, or been told before, but more so the person telling me that helped. She shocked me out of my depression, and made me realize that as long as I let my problems remain problems, they won't get any better no matter how much I try to fix them. For all the things I've done to try to get myself out of here, I've never fully committed to anything. I've let my fear of failure stop me from going too far, and that's got to stop. A line from a Motley Crue song actually kind of drove the point home for me. "If you want to live life on your own terms, you've got to be willing to crash and burn". I have to be willing to fail in order to succeed at anything, that's something I seemed to have lost sight of in the last couple of years. I started transition out with that attitude, and it got me a long ways. I have to take that and use for life in general. I'm not saying I'm going to throw caution to the wind and just do anything I want and hope it works out. I just have to take more risks, put something on the line every now and then and do something I may not be that comfortable with. I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone, but every time it's happened so far I've benefited from it. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm asking my therapist about anti depressants again. She knows as well as I do that my depression is mostly from my surroundings, but I don't think it would hurt to give them a try for a while. I'm ok for now, but I know when life gets tough my moods drop again. I just need something to take the edge off of the depression so I can find the energy to keep going and not crash. I've got a plan for this. My camera broke a couple weeks ago, so I'm pulling some money out of my savings and getting a better one. I won't get very far with photography without a camera, and my old 3.1 mega pixel wasn't going to get me too far anyway. I can get a 7.1 at Walmart for about 80-100 bucks, with twice as many photo modes. I'm going to consider it an investment for now. In the mean time I'm going to look for a job here in town, and put in applications at as many places as possible. I'll talk to my therapist about the meds to see if they help me out any at all. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job and save up some money. If I can get one and make a few pay checks over a few months, I'm going to try to get a decent laptop that I can do photo editing on. I can pick up a nice dell with everything I need to do that and then some for around $700, and it makes me able to pick and move my work anywhere I want. I'll also be able to pick up wireless internet signals, so I'll have my work and the internet to take anywhere with me. That will help me be a lot more flexible, so if I'm able to move out after I have the job for a while I won't have anything holding me back. I'm going to make this happen, one way or another, I swear I will. I'm tired of being depressed, and I'm tired of letting it run my life. I will not sit back any longer and watch life pass me by. I want to do a lot of things before I die, and it's not too late to start making them happen. I'm going to take a few risks and pray that they pay off. I won't give up, I've come too far to give up now.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
This last week has been pretty damn shitty for me. I decided to wear a skirt in front of my grandparents for the first time last Tuesday to go to my therapy appointment. They acted like it was the most god awful thing I could have done. I walked out to get ready to leave and my grandma looked at me and gave me a look that didn't need to be interpreted. I looked over at her and asked what was that for? After I asked two times she said that it's bad enough going out with me when I'm wearing pants. So I asked her what was so horrible about what I'm doing? She wouldn't answer me. When we got in the car I said you never answered my question, whats so horrible about what I'm doing? Then she goes off on how I'm not a girl yet, and I told her that she can say that all she wants it doesn't make it true. Then they have the nerve to not come back to pick me up until half an hour after my appointment, after I made a phone call and said I was waiting outside in the 90 degree heat. Maybe I over reacted to that one a bit, but at the time it felt like they were doing it out of spite. Then that afternoon my mom picked me up to take me to get my meds at Walgreens. I got to spend a few hours in a car with no air conditioning, so I had to sweat it out to get my meds this month. I tried talking to her some while were on the way there and back, which really is what pissed me off the most. At one point we were talking about how I should go about getting help to get out on my own and she had the nerve to tell me the same shit my grandparents do. She tells me that I made a mistake by starting the hormones and transition before getting a job and place of my own. To which I responded that I would be dead if I hadn't. Then she tells me that since she's so happy with her new boyfriend that she doesn't want to be around who isn't happy. I knew that was referring to me. So my mom pretty much confirms the feeling I had that she cares more about her boyfriend than me. Ironically I was talking about exactly that in therapy earlier that day, what a slap in the face that was to hear afterwards. At this point I just feel like I'm an annoyance to her. She does enough to try to seem like she cares, but most of the time she just doesn't care. She told me that I need to pull myself out of my depression and get mad with my situation and try to change it and get out and meet more people who could help me. I wish she could see all the times I make plans with people only to have them canceled or fall apart. My aunt called and canceled me staying with her for two weeks on Thursday, and Tuesday night I found out that I couldn't stay the night with a friend of mine the next day. So this week has just been one let down after another. My mom doesn't have a clue what I fucking go through. She told me she's been through a lot of shit, well she had a choice to not go through most of the stuff she has in life. No one forced her to get knocked up twice, she had the option of getting an abortion both times, and no one forced her to marry an asshole alcoholic that beat the shit out of her in the past. No one forced her to work a shitty dead end fast food job for 10 years when she could have tried for something better. I didn't choose to be taken from her when I was little, I didn't choose to be taken in by my grandparents, I didn't choose to be depressed, and I sure as hell didn't choose to be TG. I didn't choose to have all the issues I do, and she acts like fixing it is as simple as telling myself to cheer up and running away from the problem. I can't run from my problems, my problems are inside me, they are me. I can't just take a vacation from being TG. I've had it with my family. My mom is just apathetic to everything going on with me, my grandparents are just trying to make themselves look good while not so much as offering any emotional support, and the rest of my family is just there. No one comes and asks me how things are going, or if I'm doing alright. They're just kind of there, not really doing anything. My aunt is the only family member who when she's seen that I'm upset asks whats wrong and what can she do to help. I just hope I can make it another 2 weeks to get to see her for a bit. This fucking place is driving me crazier than I already was. I swear when I get the chance and I'm out on my own I'm severing all ties with everyone in my family but my aunt.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I got a call last Friday morning telling me that I needed to reschedule my appointment at my clinic. Luckily I called my friend up and she wasn't busy Tuesday, so I just moved it up and got it over with already. It went really well, even though we got there very early I went inside about 20 minutes early. They were running behind so I got about 35 to 40 minutes of waiting time. It flew by pretty fast though, the waiting room was pretty full and we had almost everyone involved in one big conversation. It was just great to have a conversation with other TG people, even though it was just about random things. I was pretty happy to find out when I got weighed that I managed to drop 5 pounds since May. I was 133, now I'm down to 128, and I was 120 when I started hormones. I'm not trying to go back that far, I just want to keep it well within the 120s range. I guess cutting out unhealthy snacks between meals and watching calories worked. I spilled everything about going back to therapy, and had to tell them that I was getting a little depressed was why. Then my doctor figured out I had been smoking without me even telling her. She was checking my lungs with the stethoscope and suddenly said, how long have you been smoking? I kind of paused out of shock and explained that I had only been since last fall, and mostly just social smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since June, and the only smoking I did since then was some pot a couple of times. I didn't know she would pick it up that easily. Luckily I didn't get in trouble, she just strongly suggested that I not smoke anymore. Which I can comply with since it seems I've never managed to get addicted, to any brand I've used. They took blood and wanted me back in 2 months because of the depression. So I guess I got off a little easy after all of that. I know they're trying to connect the dots a bit with those 3 things. I had a therapy appointment earlier that day, so it was a pretty busy day for me. I had a bad day today. My grandparents got all bitchy on me when I asked for a ride to get my meds next week, and said some things that really upset me. I locked myself in my room and tried to call my mom, when she didn't answer I texted my aunt. She asked me if coming and staying with her next weekend might help, so that seems to be the plan for now. She told me before if I ever needed to get away from here for a few days that I could come stay with her, so I'm looking forward to it. I need a break from this place and my grandparents, even if I have to wait a week.