It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I'm Going Back Into Therapy

I would have written about this sooner, but I've had some problems with my internet the last few days. Hopefully that's now fixed, I've got my fingers crossed. Anyway, I managed to get an appointment with that therapist Monday. There's a rather funny story to that. I called the office she was listed at and they told me she had switched offices, but that it was to another one in the same area. I got the phone number for it and thought it sounded familiar, so I looked at one of my old appointment cards from when I was seeing my old therapist and it was the same place. So apparently she took the place of my old therapist when she left, I'm just now finding out about this. I wish they had told me that they were hiring someone else that had experience with LGBT issues. Oh well, I made an appointment to see her on the 8th of July. Unfortunately I couldn't get one any sooner than that since she's on vacation most of next week. The last few days have made me wonder if I can last until then though. With no internet I had nothing to distract myself with, so I had some really bad break downs. I even went to my grandparents and told them what was going on and asked if there was any way I could get admitted to the mental hospital again. I've realized that I have problems with being alone, more like a fear of being alone. That's why having no distractions and living in the middle of nowhere gets to me, I hate not having anyone around I feel like I can talk to or do things with. When I'm out with friends or just out of the house in general I feel ok, but when I'm forced to sit in my room alone all day and night it depresses me. I've got a lot of stress on me lately too. My mom had to have my step dad arrested because he was leaving threatening voice mails on her phone. So she's scared he's going to try to hurt her when he makes bail, and he's done it in the past, I remember it and I don't want to see it again. A fucking meth lab was also busted in my neighborhood close enough that I could walk to it. I heard what I thought was a gun shot yesterday and I jumped out of bed half asleep crouched in the floor and grabbed a knife. So I'm very jumpy and stressed lately. Honestly, I feel like going to a mental hospital as a way to just get away from everything for a while and be in a place where I'm not alone and I can talk to people that can help me figure out some of my problems I'm having. I lied my way out the last time I was there, so I don't feel like I gave it the chance I should have. I think maybe I missed an opportunity to get some help. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's surprisingly hard to voluntarily admit myself to a mental hospital. I guess I'm going to have to wait until I see the therapist to see what she can help me decide to do. If I'm not online or around much in the next few days I'm staying with friends for the weekend. They want to keep me busy until the 8th. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.

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