About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Help

I need help, and I mean the kind I can only get from a therapist. Lately it just seems like my mental state has taken a nose dive. On Monday I hung out with a friend for the first time in about a month, so naturally I was pretty happy. After she left my house things just seemed to slowly go downhill. By 3 in the morning, about 12 hours later, I was depressed and borderline suicidal. I haven't really mentioned this to many people until now, I guess I've been trying to get past it by myself and hope that's enough. I don't think I can do it alone anymore, I need to get back into therapy. I know there's more going on than just gender dysphoria, at the very least my depression is back. At the worse I have it narrowed down to either I'm bi polar, or I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. OCPD seems to be the most likely to me, that's where most of the common symptoms of the two overlap. All of the symptoms of it apply to me as opposed to about half with bi polar. I don't like to self diagnose, which is why I want to go back into therapy. I can't say 100% for sure I have anything that the GD isn't causing, all I know is there's more that needs to be treated than just it. I found a therapist fairly close by that has experience working with lgbt people, and my grandparents decided to get the name on my insurance changed. So as soon as the new card comes in the mail I'm going to try to find out if she's taking new patients. I can't transition without therapy like this anymore. She's not exactly what I was looking for, she doesn't specialize with TG people, but it's better than trying to take a chance with a therapist I know nothing about. I've refused anti depressants since I was 16, but I'm willing to give them a chance now I guess. It's either get into therapy and try to get some help, or become a pothead. I'll have less legal problems with therapy, so I guess I'll try, even if pot works as a great anti depressant. I know I have other problems to take care of, and it's time I do something to take care of them.

6 comments:

S said...

sweetie, breathe, stretch. I know what you mean. My GD comes with all sorts of depression, mania, and plenty of self-loathing, and I'm not even on hormones! Sometimes I think it would be better to be on hormones...anyway. I have some psych training and know that most disorders are condependent, meaning you have several types of things occuring together. I have found that physical exercise gets the endorphins flowing which banishes the depression and suicidal thoughts. Plus it's good for those gams...

S said...

email me if you need to chat!

Elizabeth said...

Remember American Beauty... and I don't know anyone who can solve everything, all of the time, by themselves. We all need help... probably more often than most of us are willing to admit, so in actuality... you're on the right path, girl!

Remember... we're rooting for you, okay?

Love,
E.

Joshie wolf said...
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Joshie wolf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

Oh, God love you sweetie! I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I just saw your post, so this is reply is a bit late. I hope you have been able to secure adequate care for yourself. I live in Hadensville, Va. so I can relate to the disadvantages of living TG in a small town. Hang in there girl, and don't give up. If you need to talk to someone, you can always email me at melissaalisonp@gmail.com. :)

Melissa