Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better after the awesome weekend I had. I stayed with a good friend of mine Saturday night and ended up getting more stoned than I've ever been. I was saying that I needed it with all the stress I've been having lately, so it really helped me loosen up. It makes me feel so much better for at least a couple days afterwards. Anyway I spent last night in Richmond with another good friend of mine that I've known like forever. She was worried about me too after all of my mental freak outs last week, so I hung out there for a day. I got to watch the sunset from a rooftop three stories above the city Sunday night. Then Monday morning I went with her to her art history class at VCU, which I found to be very interesting. I loved starting my day learning about mesoamerican art history. In all it was a nice time away from home to just slow down a bit and have a little fun. A change of scenery did me pretty good for now. I know it's only a temporary fix, but it's better than nothing. At least I know I have friends who care about me, so that definitely helps. I tried to get an earlier appointment to see that therapist, but with the 4th of July weekend coming up and her taking vacation time, the 8th is still the best I could do. I guess I can hold out until then now. I just have to find ways to keep myself busy, and I might potentially be hanging out with one of my friends on the 5th. I've actually been avoiding the internet lately. It just seems like it's caused me more problems than it's worth. Anyway, I'm alright, so that's what counts. I may be online slightly less, but I'm going to be ok, I haven't given up hope yet.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I would have written about this sooner, but I've had some problems with my internet the last few days. Hopefully that's now fixed, I've got my fingers crossed. Anyway, I managed to get an appointment with that therapist Monday. There's a rather funny story to that. I called the office she was listed at and they told me she had switched offices, but that it was to another one in the same area. I got the phone number for it and thought it sounded familiar, so I looked at one of my old appointment cards from when I was seeing my old therapist and it was the same place. So apparently she took the place of my old therapist when she left, I'm just now finding out about this. I wish they had told me that they were hiring someone else that had experience with LGBT issues. Oh well, I made an appointment to see her on the 8th of July. Unfortunately I couldn't get one any sooner than that since she's on vacation most of next week. The last few days have made me wonder if I can last until then though. With no internet I had nothing to distract myself with, so I had some really bad break downs. I even went to my grandparents and told them what was going on and asked if there was any way I could get admitted to the mental hospital again. I've realized that I have problems with being alone, more like a fear of being alone. That's why having no distractions and living in the middle of nowhere gets to me, I hate not having anyone around I feel like I can talk to or do things with. When I'm out with friends or just out of the house in general I feel ok, but when I'm forced to sit in my room alone all day and night it depresses me. I've got a lot of stress on me lately too. My mom had to have my step dad arrested because he was leaving threatening voice mails on her phone. So she's scared he's going to try to hurt her when he makes bail, and he's done it in the past, I remember it and I don't want to see it again. A fucking meth lab was also busted in my neighborhood close enough that I could walk to it. I heard what I thought was a gun shot yesterday and I jumped out of bed half asleep crouched in the floor and grabbed a knife. So I'm very jumpy and stressed lately. Honestly, I feel like going to a mental hospital as a way to just get away from everything for a while and be in a place where I'm not alone and I can talk to people that can help me figure out some of my problems I'm having. I lied my way out the last time I was there, so I don't feel like I gave it the chance I should have. I think maybe I missed an opportunity to get some help. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's surprisingly hard to voluntarily admit myself to a mental hospital. I guess I'm going to have to wait until I see the therapist to see what she can help me decide to do. If I'm not online or around much in the next few days I'm staying with friends for the weekend. They want to keep me busy until the 8th. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I need help, and I mean the kind I can only get from a therapist. Lately it just seems like my mental state has taken a nose dive. On Monday I hung out with a friend for the first time in about a month, so naturally I was pretty happy. After she left my house things just seemed to slowly go downhill. By 3 in the morning, about 12 hours later, I was depressed and borderline suicidal. I haven't really mentioned this to many people until now, I guess I've been trying to get past it by myself and hope that's enough. I don't think I can do it alone anymore, I need to get back into therapy. I know there's more going on than just gender dysphoria, at the very least my depression is back. At the worse I have it narrowed down to either I'm bi polar, or I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. OCPD seems to be the most likely to me, that's where most of the common symptoms of the two overlap. All of the symptoms of it apply to me as opposed to about half with bi polar. I don't like to self diagnose, which is why I want to go back into therapy. I can't say 100% for sure I have anything that the GD isn't causing, all I know is there's more that needs to be treated than just it. I found a therapist fairly close by that has experience working with lgbt people, and my grandparents decided to get the name on my insurance changed. So as soon as the new card comes in the mail I'm going to try to find out if she's taking new patients. I can't transition without therapy like this anymore. She's not exactly what I was looking for, she doesn't specialize with TG people, but it's better than trying to take a chance with a therapist I know nothing about. I've refused anti depressants since I was 16, but I'm willing to give them a chance now I guess. It's either get into therapy and try to get some help, or become a pothead. I'll have less legal problems with therapy, so I guess I'll try, even if pot works as a great anti depressant. I know I have other problems to take care of, and it's time I do something to take care of them.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Well, I guess it's time I write something here again. Things have been pretty rough lately, my grandfather died last Wednesday. I'm not nearly as sad though as I wish I could be, I never really got to know him that well. I think that's what bugs me the most, I missed 12 years that I could have known him because of my family. It's too late to really bitch much about that, whats done is done. The funeral caused me a bit of stress though, mostly before and during. I was worried the day before about how extended family that didn't know I'm TG would react, I was calling my mom asking if me wearing a dress would be an issue or not. I mean normally I wouldn't consider toning down the girly looks, but I really didn't want to ruin the funeral if people reacted badly. She told me it was fine though, and my aunt didn't want me to hide who I am, so I did it. I'm actually very glad I did now, because no one seemed to notice, believe it or not. Apparently they were such extended family that they didn't know if my mom had a son and a daughter or two sons. All they seemed to know was that she had a son. She introduced me as her daughter to everyone, and they all seemed a little confused but went along with it anyway saying they didn't know she had a daughter. They did keep asking if she didn't have a son though, but we just said it was my brother. I honestly don't think anyone could tell I was TG, if they did, they didn't let on to it. They treated me and accepted as my moms daughter, and I got lots of compliments on how much I look like her too. It made me feel really good to know I had passed so well. The pastor that did the funeral service was actually one that spoke at my high school graduation and shook my hand when I got my diploma, and he never recognized me. I feel kind for bad being that happy at a funeral, but I was just so shocked by how well everything went. Well, I take that back. One thing did go wrong that morning, but not with me. My step dad decided he wasn't going to let my brother come to the funeral, because my mom walked out on him 2 weeks ago and is getting a divorce. He told my brother that if he went he couldn't come back home. Needless to say a lot of people were pissed off that day as well as sad. I mean that's a low blow by anyone's standards, and just makes me hate him even more. I'm glad my mom walked out on him, and she has a boyfriend too that accepts me as I am and is pretty cool. So I'm hoping things with my family take a turn for the better in the near future.