It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, May 8, 2009


I went to another doctors appointment Tuesday, everything checked out fine. I had blood taken, the works. It was just a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing after a month since I've had the estrogen increased. There was some new person there helping out who checked my blood pressure and stuff this time. She noticed the scars on my arms and asked if I had a history of cutting myself. I was honest and said I did, and that I hadn't in almost 2 years, she talked to me about it for a bit. Apparently she thinks I should see a therapist. I can't really disagree, I know I need to, but like I told her, I have no job, and no insurance. The only way I can afford to see a therapist is if I find one that works for free. I hide a lot of my feelings from them at the clinic. The people there are great, it's just that I know I'd fuck up my transition if I mentioned that I've been seriously depressed lately. I can't take the chance of them lowering or possibly taking me off the estrogen. I do say that it still happens sometimes, but I say I get over it faster than I do. Life is just getting to me lately. It seems like as soon as one door of opportunity is opened to me it's slammed shut in my face. No one is fucking hiring for jobs here! At least not any that I'm qualified to do. I would try to sell a few things on ebay, but I can't even set up a damn pay pal account until I get my new debit card, which still hasn't come. I was supposed to be getting it this week, if I don't have it by Monday I'm going to the bank and bitching. I just need a change of scenery right now I guess. Not moving around as much as before is getting to me. That's something I miss a lot about being with my ex, going there and not having to be here all the time. Now it seems like I'm right back where I started, and in no better financial situation either. I'm hanging in there though, but it's getting harder all the time.


Stealth Girl said...

Hi Sage,

Sorry to hear you're having troubles. First thing to say is: with the economic shambles out there, not being able to find work is no comment on your suitability or passability - it's crap for everyone. That may be cold comfort, but you're a single woman struggling through an economic collapse, and that's gonna be tough however you play it. You may have to take work far beneath what you think you're worth to get through, if you can get anything at all. In the meantime, maybe even do some volunteer stuff; get connecting with people again, it makes all the difference in the world. There ARE good people out there, and they'll help you!

I think you're right to keep at the hormones and not expose too much to the docs. They're there as your last-ditch safety net, but too much can expose them to the intense stresses of transition in a way which can make them make some unhappy choices for you. Depression comes and goes, but it's always worse when life's full of upheavals AND you've got all the fun of the 'mones and "puberty" to cope with AGAIN! :-) The only thing I'd say is: put some effort into relaxing. People often think relaxation happens by itself, when you're not doing anything else, but it doesn't - you have to work at it. Get a good weepy movie out, treat yourself to some pampering bath salts or body lotions, make yourself a nice meal, cuddle up with a new D&D book and let your imagination fly. Make some space for yourself, for a bit of peace, and think of the time ten years from now when you'll look back on this and think "my God! I got through THAT?"

It'll happen. You'll get through. It'll get better - life will begin (again).

Take care,


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