It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


As the title says I had an epiphany tonight. I watched the movie American Beauty for the first time, and the messages in it hit me particularly hard. There was this scene where a guy had filmed a plastic bag blowing in the wind, and said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The quote was...

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

The next part that really hit me was in the end of the movie. The father of the guy who made the bag film shot the father of the girl he was dating, reasons can only be speculated. But this was the quote the movie ended on, it was the guy who had been shot narrating...

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

It just spoke to me at a time when I thought I had hit rock bottom. I've majorly been depressed lately, even to the point of considering trying to kill myself again, but then I saw this movie. It came out of nowhere and challenged my entire thought process as of lately. It made me completely rethink my outlook on life, and realize what I'm missing by sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day. There's beauty in this world that goes unnoticed, not because it's not there, but because we don't take the time to see it for what it is, even when we're starring right at it. Life isn't about getting ahead, being successful, or even just getting by. It's about living, and experiencing life for what it is, overpowering, and overwhelming beauty. This movie told me to shut up about my problems, calm the fuck down and take a look around me at what I'm missing, and just realize how amazing life is. It's exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I had broken down crying right before it came on, just out of complete despair, and I almost didn't watch it. I changed the channel and then came back to it a minute later, and I'm glad I did. It's one those movies I love not because it looks cool or has lots of gore and action, but because it makes me stop and think. It forces you to re evaluate yourself and your place in the world, that to me is the best kind of movie. I don't know how long this will stick with me, maybe a day, maybe the rest of my life. All I know is that as of now I'm going to try to not stress the little things in life, take in the beauty around me, and just live life. I think that's all anyone can honestly do. Maybe I sound crazy as all hell right now, but I don't care, I know I didn't watch that movie for no reason. I think there's a lot of hope for me in this life yet, I just had to find it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What a great movie that one is! I've only seen it once... many years ago, but it's stayed with me all this time. If it could be summed up in one trite little phrase, it would be: "Stop and smell the roses". Even if you can't live this way everyday, and I don't know anyone who can, it helps to keep in mind that it's okay to feel bad and sorry for yourself too. It may seem strange (and perhaps a little creepy, too) but with no friends where I live now, everyone here on blogger has become my friend. I read all your blogs with baited breath. Just know there are always people who care about you... even if it's just a little message on a computer screen.


p.s. have you ever seen "V for Vendetta"? That one had me crying for hours. It's got action AND a very poignant message... "And even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you... I love you with all my heart..."