About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman, and everyday life in general. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that transgender people face every day.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Epiphany

As the title says I had an epiphany tonight. I watched the movie American Beauty for the first time, and the messages in it hit me particularly hard. There was this scene where a guy had filmed a plastic bag blowing in the wind, and said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The quote was...

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

The next part that really hit me was in the end of the movie. The father of the guy who made the bag film shot the father of the girl he was dating, reasons can only be speculated. But this was the quote the movie ended on, it was the guy who had been shot narrating...

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

It just spoke to me at a time when I thought I had hit rock bottom. I've majorly been depressed lately, even to the point of considering trying to kill myself again, but then I saw this movie. It came out of nowhere and challenged my entire thought process as of lately. It made me completely rethink my outlook on life, and realize what I'm missing by sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day. There's beauty in this world that goes unnoticed, not because it's not there, but because we don't take the time to see it for what it is, even when we're starring right at it. Life isn't about getting ahead, being successful, or even just getting by. It's about living, and experiencing life for what it is, overpowering, and overwhelming beauty. This movie told me to shut up about my problems, calm the fuck down and take a look around me at what I'm missing, and just realize how amazing life is. It's exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I had broken down crying right before it came on, just out of complete despair, and I almost didn't watch it. I changed the channel and then came back to it a minute later, and I'm glad I did. It's one those movies I love not because it looks cool or has lots of gore and action, but because it makes me stop and think. It forces you to re evaluate yourself and your place in the world, that to me is the best kind of movie. I don't know how long this will stick with me, maybe a day, maybe the rest of my life. All I know is that as of now I'm going to try to not stress the little things in life, take in the beauty around me, and just live life. I think that's all anyone can honestly do. Maybe I sound crazy as all hell right now, but I don't care, I know I didn't watch that movie for no reason. I think there's a lot of hope for me in this life yet, I just had to find it.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

My Boring Life

It's been a while since I wrote anything here, things have been a little crazy lately I guess. I got my debit card last Tuesday, finally. I had some trouble activating it and had to go to the bank about it, but it all turned out fine. So now everything has the correct name on it. I didn't get anymore trouble with my meds at the pharmacy, so that was a relief. Otherwise I can't really say very much has been going on. It's been long hours of boredom sitting around unable to really do much about my situation. I did stay the night at a friend's house the other night, and the next day I tried pot for the first time. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if I could use it all the time, helped me forget about my problems for a little while at least. But I guess unless hell freezes over and it's ever legalized here, my money is better spent on hormones. The depression lately has been as much from losing my ex as it is about my job situation. He called me one night not too long ago and we talked about a lot of things. He pretty much said that he's still in love with me and wished I would take him back. There's a long story behind it, but I'll spare all the details. Basically we've both admitted that wish we could get back together, but we're scared it's just going to pick up where it left off and be the same old problems. I don't know, I get the feeling that I'm more over him than he is over me though. I don't know what to do about it all. I'm just trying to forget my problems lately in some effort to relax, I'll take care of them a little later.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Updates

I went to another doctors appointment Tuesday, everything checked out fine. I had blood taken, the works. It was just a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing after a month since I've had the estrogen increased. There was some new person there helping out who checked my blood pressure and stuff this time. She noticed the scars on my arms and asked if I had a history of cutting myself. I was honest and said I did, and that I hadn't in almost 2 years, she talked to me about it for a bit. Apparently she thinks I should see a therapist. I can't really disagree, I know I need to, but like I told her, I have no job, and no insurance. The only way I can afford to see a therapist is if I find one that works for free. I hide a lot of my feelings from them at the clinic. The people there are great, it's just that I know I'd fuck up my transition if I mentioned that I've been seriously depressed lately. I can't take the chance of them lowering or possibly taking me off the estrogen. I do say that it still happens sometimes, but I say I get over it faster than I do. Life is just getting to me lately. It seems like as soon as one door of opportunity is opened to me it's slammed shut in my face. No one is fucking hiring for jobs here! At least not any that I'm qualified to do. I would try to sell a few things on ebay, but I can't even set up a damn pay pal account until I get my new debit card, which still hasn't come. I was supposed to be getting it this week, if I don't have it by Monday I'm going to the bank and bitching. I just need a change of scenery right now I guess. Not moving around as much as before is getting to me. That's something I miss a lot about being with my ex, going there and not having to be here all the time. Now it seems like I'm right back where I started, and in no better financial situation either. I'm hanging in there though, but it's getting harder all the time.