About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Thinking

Well I'm still waiting for that background check to come back in the mail. It's been about a week so far, so I hope it gets here soon. Although at the same time, getting everything started with my name change has made me feel some mixed emotions. On one hand I couldn't be more happy and excited to finally be getting it done, but on the other it feels almost like I'm taking the last step to erasing who I used to be. I know that my past has made me who I am today, I don't think changing my name is going to make it all go away or anything. I guess it seems more symbolic than anything. As if changing my name finally completes the first part of my transition. It's a weird feeling, I want it done, but for some reason I feel this hint of sadness. I guess that's normal, it's not like it's enough to make me change my mind. I almost feel like I'm starting a new phase of transition, which I guess in a way I am. It just makes me very reflective on everything. It makes me re-evaluate my entire transition, and stop and think am I ready for this. Aside from starting hormones, this is one of the biggest steps I've taken so far. The waiting is just the worst part, it gives me too much time to imagine everything that could go wrong. It's just a matter of keeping my mind occupied until everything goes through.

2 comments:

Shinigami Liz said...

Honestly it is a big step and feeling nervous is just natural. If I had not done that myself (should be done in another week finally) I would still have my job. However I would not be living fulltime as a girl either or running around everywhere in town as such either. I think a lot of us feel like we are rushing things while still feeling as though we are making hardly any progress at the same time. We all have our doubts because it is a major and overwhelming process we are going through. Just relax and try not to focus on the waiting (yeah, easy prospect lol). Things will work out for the best and you will enjoy having this step behind you when it is all over in a few months.

Stealth Girl said...

Hi Sage,

I've been reading your posts and just thought I'd say hi. Congrats on doing the name change - it is a big step. But, in the long run, you don't ever lose who you used to be before transition - everything just blends together into "you". Your mom and family will see that in the end, too, I'm sure - you just have to give them time. When I transitioned (MANY years ago lol) my family practically "mourned" for me - my mum said it was mostly that they weren't going to see "their son" again, and they'd miss him. I could understand that. A few years later, and everyone suddenly realised that "I" was still here - it was all still me, all our shared history, more than ever.

Good luck with everything. You look great, and you're gonna get more and more gorgeous. Hope it all works out for you.

Sarah