It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Miserable Day

I'm still an emotional wreck today, but I feel good enough to write a bit more. As bad as it hurt yesterday, it almost seems like it hurts more today for some reason. I guess the realization that it really is over is setting in. I've got a million things coming at me all at once right now, and it's stressing the hell out of me. I've got the pain from my boyfriend leaving me, nervousness about whether or not my name change is accepted, money issues, and my friend trying to convince me to move in as soon as possible. I don't really know what to do right now, I'm trying to make all of these decisions and I'm breaking down crying at least once every hour or 2. I really just need some time to recover from losing him before I try to make too many big decisions about where I'm going to take my life. I don't guess it was so much him specifically holding me back, I let him hold me back. I kept saying how I was going to put my transition first, and then I put him and the relationship first most of the time. I don't regret being with him, because it gave me the chance to semi get out on my own. It wasn't like I was really supporting myself, but it got me out into the world, helped me meet people and make new friends. I'm so much more outgoing now than I was this time last year, and I know it's becasue I was there. It's one of those cases of it was nice while it lasted, but I have to move on sometime. I'm not sure where life is going to take me right now, it's like I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet or something. It honestly scares me for things to be this uncertain, but I guess life is going to take me to the places I need to be, not necessarily the places I want to be. It sucks, it really does, but I know I have to pick myself up and move on. Life isn't going to stop for me, so I have to take some time and get over this, and start moving my life forward. My friend is telling me not to worry too much about the money for now, and that they just want to help me get out on my own. It's just weird having someone actually trying to help me get out on my own. No one in my family wants to help, all my grandparents do is bitch about the things I should have done. They don't seem to get it that I can't change the decisions I made 4 or 5 years ago, I can only make what I believe to be the best ones for me right now and hope that they are. The past is the past, I can't change it, but I sure as hell can do something to change my future. I don't really know where all of this going to take me, it's kind of a bittersweet ending to one part of my life and the begining of another. I just have to trust my instincts right now, because they're screaming for me to move forward.

1 comment:

Stealth Girl said...

Hi Sage,

Hang in there girl. It sounds tough for you right now. Sometimes, during transition, it just seems like everything goes completely to hell for a while. You're doing good - keep writing, keep talking to friends, family, keep all those communication lines open. You WILL get through this!

I was sorry to hear your split up with your boyfriend. Things will improve - maybe he'll even still be there in a while? Who knows. The thing is - take time for yourself. Have a nice bath. Watch a nice movie. Get some nice food. Think about who you're gonna be in a year or two's time, happy, settled, looking back on this period thinking - my god, I made it! Make a space for yourself where things are as normal as they can be - on your terms. Put some time into relaxing and caring for yourself - it won't happen on its own, and stress is a great one for making you feel like you have to... take... control... at every moment. Be happy you've got friends supporting you.

Pretty soon things will settle down a bit, and life will get a routine again. Right now, you've got a bit of chaos-surfing to do.

Good luck! And hang in there!