Thursday, February 26, 2009
I'm still an emotional wreck today, but I feel good enough to write a bit more. As bad as it hurt yesterday, it almost seems like it hurts more today for some reason. I guess the realization that it really is over is setting in. I've got a million things coming at me all at once right now, and it's stressing the hell out of me. I've got the pain from my boyfriend leaving me, nervousness about whether or not my name change is accepted, money issues, and my friend trying to convince me to move in as soon as possible. I don't really know what to do right now, I'm trying to make all of these decisions and I'm breaking down crying at least once every hour or 2. I really just need some time to recover from losing him before I try to make too many big decisions about where I'm going to take my life. I don't guess it was so much him specifically holding me back, I let him hold me back. I kept saying how I was going to put my transition first, and then I put him and the relationship first most of the time. I don't regret being with him, because it gave me the chance to semi get out on my own. It wasn't like I was really supporting myself, but it got me out into the world, helped me meet people and make new friends. I'm so much more outgoing now than I was this time last year, and I know it's becasue I was there. It's one of those cases of it was nice while it lasted, but I have to move on sometime. I'm not sure where life is going to take me right now, it's like I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet or something. It honestly scares me for things to be this uncertain, but I guess life is going to take me to the places I need to be, not necessarily the places I want to be. It sucks, it really does, but I know I have to pick myself up and move on. Life isn't going to stop for me, so I have to take some time and get over this, and start moving my life forward. My friend is telling me not to worry too much about the money for now, and that they just want to help me get out on my own. It's just weird having someone actually trying to help me get out on my own. No one in my family wants to help, all my grandparents do is bitch about the things I should have done. They don't seem to get it that I can't change the decisions I made 4 or 5 years ago, I can only make what I believe to be the best ones for me right now and hope that they are. The past is the past, I can't change it, but I sure as hell can do something to change my future. I don't really know where all of this going to take me, it's kind of a bittersweet ending to one part of my life and the begining of another. I just have to trust my instincts right now, because they're screaming for me to move forward.
Well sadly I'm single now, my boyfriend left me this afternoon. It wasn't even an argument or anything, we just both ended up agreeing that we're better off this way. Mostly because I'm tired of trying to keep him from leaving me. It still hurts like hell, I didn't want it to end, but I know it's for the best. I'm crying just writing this, but I know I have to move on. I've got moving in with my friend in Richmond to look forward to. I really hate to say this, but I know it's true, he was holding me back. I knew the move would probably break us up, because it's going to put me even farther from him, but I have to do it. I have to for the sake of my own happiness and my transition. I was ready for him to leave me once I did that, it just came sooner than I was expecting. I guess I get what I'm supposed to have in life, not always what I want. There really isn't much else for me to write for now, so that's it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I've just been made an offer to be roomates with another TG person today. She lives in the city that I've wanted to move to so I can be closer to my clinic, and she actually goes there too. She lives in a house with 2 other roommates, who are actually very supportive of TG people. She said they have an extra room, kind of small but definately big enough to put a bed and some other stuff in so I have a place to sleep at night. She still needs to talk with her roommates about it, but she said they would only ask for 150 bucks a month for me to have the room. It's perfect; the city I want, the people I want to be around, jobs and places to go within walking distance, and I have the money to move in right now. The only problem is, I would actually be moving farther away from my boyfriend. I know if he wasn't able to see me much he might leave me, and I don't know what to do. I tried coming up with my own idea to make money, being a professional dominatrix (yes I'm into that stuff), and he shot it down. My aunt is having financial problems, so I can't get any work with her, so I'm out of options in my current situation to make money. My mom is getting a $5,000 dollar inheritance from a recently deceased relative, and she's going to give me 300 of it to help me make the first 2 months rent so I can try to move in and look for a job. I just have such a bad feeling that I'm going to lose Richard if I do this. This is the best chance I've ever gotten to get out on my own, and I may have to lose him to do it. I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is I can't let this go if it all works out like I'm hoping. I may never get another opportunity to live somewhere for so cheap, and with another TG person at that. I'm really torn right now, me and Richard have been having a lot of problems still, and I don't know if we will last or not. I'm scared of missing out on something either way I go, but honestly moving out on my own seems to be overwhelmingly calling. I hope I don't have to lose him to do it, and even though it will hurt if I do, I guess I understand. I'm not letting this go too easily, I have to see where it takes me. I'm nervous and scared as hell, but I have to do it sometime, I cant live at home forever. I just hope I'm making the right choice.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I've never been one to watch a lot of reality TV, but when I heard that a trans woman is on the MTV series The Real World I had to check it out. I'm not sure what exactly I was expecting. Maybe someone who had transitioned pretty young and was passable as hell. But I have to say it's surprised me since I started watching. She's very pretty, although at the same time if you're really looking for it you can tell she's TG. She was actually post op for only a couple months before she went on the show. She's really a very good representation of what your average transperson is like to me. She's a gaming and computer geek, she's a black belt in karate, and she's in love with a guy who accepts her as she is. To me she's like one of the best TG people they could have picked to put on there. She's into doing TG activism and is open about herself, and telling parts of her story on TV. She's one of the first trans people that I know of to be on such a mainstream show. That in it'self is great, but she's also portraying the TG community as a whole to be just like anyone else who isn't. Aside from everything she's been through just to be the woman she always knew she was, she's not very different than any non TG person. I wish we hadd more people like her on TV, because I've seen all the good comments people have left her on the MTV site. I don't normally do commentary on stuff like this, but it's been a real inspiration to me lately. I think it should be to all TG people. She's got the courage to go on mainstream TV and tell the world she's TS, that takes some serious guts. It gives me the inspiration to keep going with my dreams, and be as active as possible in activism. I have to be the change I want to see don't I?
Friday, February 6, 2009
I finally got the background check in the mail this morning. I went and made copies of everything I needed to, and went straight to the courthouse and filed it. So all of my paperwork is done and in the system waiting to be approved. I feel accomplished today, I've finally got the first part of this over with. Now all I can do is wait and hope that I hear from the court soon. I don't have to set a court date or anything, so it looks like I won't have to go in front of the judge. I just wait for something to come in the mail for me I guess. All they told me was they would get in touch with me after he reviews it and that it should go through without any trouble. So the wheels of justice are slowly starting to turn for me. It feels good to get this out of the way, I'm getting my transition back on track. I want to have a job and be working on saving up for surgery and getting electrolysis or laser removal by the end of the year. It's a lot to get done, but I'm going to make it happen. I'm not sure how much of a strain that's going to put on my relationship though. I've spent 2 weeks away from him to be here waiting on that background check in the mail, and it's put plenty of strain on things already. I don't know how I'm going to be able to see him very often if I get a job here close to home. I'll have to get one near him, which means I'll have to move. I just have no clue how I'm going to do that yet, but I guess I'll worry about that once I have everything with my name sorted out. I don't know what this is going to do to my relationship, I really do hope it lasts and I want it to, but I guess I should also be ready for it to possibly break us up. I guess all of this is kind of bitter sweet in a way. It makes me so happy to be getting things done, but it really hurts when it interfers with my love life. Oh well, overall I'm happy, and that's what counts the most.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Well I'm still waiting for that background check to come back in the mail. It's been about a week so far, so I hope it gets here soon. Although at the same time, getting everything started with my name change has made me feel some mixed emotions. On one hand I couldn't be more happy and excited to finally be getting it done, but on the other it feels almost like I'm taking the last step to erasing who I used to be. I know that my past has made me who I am today, I don't think changing my name is going to make it all go away or anything. I guess it seems more symbolic than anything. As if changing my name finally completes the first part of my transition. It's a weird feeling, I want it done, but for some reason I feel this hint of sadness. I guess that's normal, it's not like it's enough to make me change my mind. I almost feel like I'm starting a new phase of transition, which I guess in a way I am. It just makes me very reflective on everything. It makes me re-evaluate my entire transition, and stop and think am I ready for this. Aside from starting hormones, this is one of the biggest steps I've taken so far. The waiting is just the worst part, it gives me too much time to imagine everything that could go wrong. It's just a matter of keeping my mind occupied until everything goes through.