It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

What a Way to Start 09

I had probably the worst night of my life last night. My boyfriend wanted me to go to this party his friends were having, and I didn't want to because I don't really fit in with the friends who were having it. I was going to stay at home and watch a movie with his parents, but he got all pouty when I decided not to go, so I ended up going so he wouldn't be pissed at me. He already thinks I hate most of his friends, so I wanted to go to prove that I don't. My real reason for not wanting to go, which I kept saying, was that I didn't want to because I knew I would get drunk. Well guess what happened. I got drunk all right, in fact I got so drunk I puked on the kitchen floor. Then when they brought me a bucket to do it in, I kept going and passed out with my face in it. Before then I had already made it out on to the back porch and fell in the floor and smoked a cigarette, and somehow got back inside for midnight and downed a glass of champagne like it was a shot. I think that pushed me over the edge finally. In all I had a smirnoff ice, 3 shots of canadian whiskey, half of a 375ml bottle of vodka, a pina colada, and the glass of champagne. At least that's all I remember drinking. It scared the shit out of me. I could understand what everyone was saying still, and I heard them talking about taking me to the ER at one point. Apparently my breathing had slowed down and I was puking while I was out. I managed to say that I was ok a few times according to my boyfriend. I got puke in my hair and on my coat, they somehow got that off of me and threw it in the washer. In the course of all that happening apparently my phone got messed up some way. I think something must have spilled on it, but I have no clue. It wouldn't turn on at first, now it does, I just get no signal. I swear I was pretty damn close to having alcohol poisoning, they said I even got paler looking. I don't know if they should have taken me to the ER or not, I guess I'm lucky to still be alive quite honestly. I can't believe I did that, I just couldn't stop for some reason. I think I learned a hard lesson from it though, I have to stop drinking. I had been pretty good about limiting myself lately, but I just let go last night for some reason. I have to stop this, many more nights like that and it will catch up to me sooner or later. I'm ok now, I just feel like complete shit, and I slept through half the day. I'm just glad people were looking out for me. I'm through, I've got a drinking problem and I'm quitting now while I'm still alive. That's the hardest lesson I've ever learned, but hopefully that's enough to teach me what I needed to know. I guess I just had to have my head in a toilet puking at 5 in the morning to drive the point home.


Shauna Baggett said...

Rule number one when drinking, stick to one type of drink, never and I never mix the drinks or you end up like you did. You now know and next time, drink a beer but stay with it all night.
Experience taught me this, I drank so much in the navy I now don't have a gag reflex and to be drunk without that means no puking no matter what you try to do.

Christina said...

You say you have a drinking problem. Only you can resolve this. Others can be your support system, which is what will help you.

You had a very frightening experience, and you are right, you could have died from alcohol poisoning.

Take it easy.

Anonymous T said...

Outstanding, Shauna.

Someone who is clearly an alcoholic by observation of past behavior finally admits it and makes a determination to stop.

And you give drinking advice, with a bizarre footnote that reads more like pride in a result of your own problem as much as anything.

Sage. Rule number one when drinking. Realize you shouldn't have even had a first one and stop.

You are going to kill yourself.

I've seen it happen first hand, and you are on your way. Not because of the number of times you've done this before, but because of your environment.

You have the ability to say no. You just haven't really wanted to yet. See my last post. Now is the time.