Saturday, January 10, 2009
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, trying to get my life back in some order. I honestly have no clue where things started slipping again. The closest I can estimate is around November, I had started getting worse with the alcohol and smoking back then, and was making some small efforts to control it but not much. I was having a little depression from arguing with Richie so much, but I think having to cancel my doctors appointment last month pushed me over the edge or something. I think that's where I started going downhill, but I'm not completely sure. I spent most of the month randomly stressing over whether or not I was even going to be able to make it to my new one. I started drinking a bit more frequently and smoking too. I think it was just every problem in my life combining to push me back over that line again. I haven't been this bad in so long, and now I'm going through depression again. It's not the same as usual, it's the same kind that lasts for days on end like it did before, and I have to get myself out of it. I'm trying to quit everything I've been doing that was harmful to me, and I'm going crazy detoxing. It's only been a week and it feels like a month. I'm not happy with where my life is headed, I need to do more. I was making so much progress with my transition before, and now I'm just sitting around stagnating. I haven't done one really significant thing to further my transition since May. Using the women's restroom in public for the first time was about it, but I wasn't alone for that. I just know I need to do something a bit more drastic than that. I have to stop talking about changing my name and get off my ass and make it happen. I want to before the end of the month. I'm scared because I don't know how much it's going to end up costing me, but I have to do it. It will hopefully help me get a job easier, which should definately help my depression since I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I guess right now is when find out just how true it is when they say you have to hurry up and wait for transition. So if I can get a ride on Monday I'm going to the court house and seeing what I can do. I've wasted enough time being scared. I can sit around and worry about the what ifs or I can get it over with and hope for the best. So I'm taking the chance and doing it. I'm tired of this depression, I'm getting over it, I swear.