About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ring in My Lip, Pocket Full of Pills, Conform, Conform, or They'll Fuck With Your Head.

My grandparents really know how to piss me off. Me and my best friend got these fake piercings yesterday just to be silly and see how real they looked. We had fun with them, and I actually liked how it looked. So I wore it on my lip again today, mostly because I'm considering getting a real piercing there and I want to see annoying it can get. My grandma finally noticed it after about half the day. I was talking to her about something completely different and she looked at me with her mouth hanging open for like a minute. I had completely forgotten I had it on and was just standing asking her what's wrong. She thought it was real and freaked out on me, and when I told her it was fake she told me I better take it off. I didn't, but then she goes on to tell me to take all my posters off the wall because she's embarassed to have anyone over because of what they might say about it. Then threatened to cut off my internet and cable, and said that when I go back to VA Beach I should stay there. She also decided to take shots at my transition and religion in there too. So once again I'm not good enough for her. Half the stuff on my walls are copies of famous artwork that I've cut out of magazines. The rest is mostly music and band related posters and magazine pictures, vinyl albums, and a few pagan related posters thrown in there. The worst thing I've got up there is a rainbow stripped post card that says "straight? so's spaghetti until you heat it up!". So I have no idea what's so horribly bad about any of it. Oh well, at least that's just the worst of my problems for now.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Name Change News

I thought this was worth writing about, because I finally have some very good help with things. I found out Monday that my boyfriend's dad's fiance is a public notary, and she works in a legal office. So she volunteered to sign everything for me and check it over to see that I had done it right. She even offered to write up the letter for me. She got all the numbers from the papers and checked them out online to see what she could do, and the damn application is out of date. That's right, the courthouse in my county gave me an outdated name change application. I mean what the fuck! It's supposed to be their job to keep that stuff up to date and tell me what exactly I'm supposed to do for it when I ask. I also found out that I had to fill the application itself out at the clerks office so they could see me do it. That was another little piece of helpful info they left out. The instructions I got said bring everything back completed. How much more vague can you get? So she's printed out the updated one for me, and is writing the letter, and should be here anytime with it. It's like having a lawyer I don't have to pay for, and I'm so glad that she's helping me. Apparently I was completely lost before, thanks to the county clerks. I definitely would have been rejected filing outdated forms. I don't know what they're doing at the courthouse in my county, but someone needs to pay attention and do their job. Oh well, at the very least I know I'm doing things right now, and I've got someone helping me who knows the law. Hopefully this will turn out well after all, I really need it to.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Frustration

I'm a little frustrated with the name change change right now, at least after I found out I usually have to pay to get something noterized. I have to have every single document that's a part of this noterized. A 5 dollar fee here and there isn't much, but it adds up after a while. I've got plenty saved up to pay for this all, I just hate it when little fees like that pop out of the woodwork to surprise you. I've spent most of the week just trying to decipher it all. The woman in the clerks office tried to explain how to fill everything out to me, but that was all verbal. It was a good 5 minutes of talking, so it's a lot to memerize at once. And the instruction sheet that came with it is the most vague sounding instructions I've ever read. It just lists every document and tells me to bring it back completed. I really need to get either my aunt or my friend to help me figure it all out. Unless there's anyone online that's good at deciphering legal documents that is willing to help me out. On a more upbeat note, I got to go out to Chilis last night to celebrate a friends birthday. I was tempted to buy a drink, but the one I wanted was like 8 bucks. I just waited until we got back to their place to keep celebrating and had a smirnoff ice. I wanted a apple martini, but that did in it's place. I only had that and a shot of aftershock, so I was responsible this time and limited myself. I was tempted to go overboard, there was a whole cabinet of hard liquer, but I told myself no. So I'm well on my way to keeping my drinking under control now. I don't want or need a repeat of new years. That scared the hell out of me, and then reading the Heroin Diaries the week after shocked me into doing something with my life again. So no matter how frustrating all of this gets, I'm sticking with it.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New ID

I finally got my ID updated today. I went to DMV this morning and got a new one, so now I can concentrate on getting the paperwork for the name change done. The only part of it that really scares me is that I have to write a letter stating why I want it changed. I considered telling exactly why, but the way people are in this county I'm thinking I better just give the classic I'm not happy with my name. I have a friend who knows a lot about legal stuff, so she's going to help me write it, with no mention of me being TG. I'm going through all the proper channels for this stuff, but I honestly don't trust the judges around here to give me an unbias opinion. The area is full of baptist, and Methodist churches and, republican conservative rednecks, so I'll take my chances by just telling the partial truth. Hopefully I'll have moved out of this area by the time I need to get my sex legally changed. I can only imagine the fiasco that would cause around here. It would probably be the first time they'd have ever done it in this county. Oh well, luckily the name I picked is fairly androgynous, so I'm hoping it won't raise too many eyebrows at the courthouse. I'll probably take a couple weeks to get everything filled out anyway, just to make sure I get it right, and so I can have people who know more about the legal system than me look it all over. I want to get this right the first time around, 52 bucks is a lot to blow on a rejection, so I need to word everything very carefully. I'm sure it will probably get looked at more closely than most other name changes since I'm changing the first and middle but not the last. Most of them that happen around here I'm sure just last names from marriage. I've at least got the wheels turning on this, so I feel at least somewhat accomplished. The sooner I can get all this legal stuff out of the way the sooner I can get started on more of the physical changes I want to make. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years learning how to love myself, now I have to make the dreams I have come true. This makes me think of something I wrote in one of my journals back when I first got started with everything. "I want to be the best woman I can be, and to be happy with myself. I've got a new life coming, hard though it may be, I still want it." I guess now is one of those times where I really have to be persistant, and ride it out until the end. My life has gotten more complicated in the 2 years since I wrote that, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm getting my fresh start, and this time I'm not going to waste time in self pitty.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Did It

I went to the courthouse this morning and picked up the paperwork to change my name. It's going to take a while, but at least I have the stuff to do it with now. I have to fill out a form and send it to the state police for a criminal background check, and once that goes through and comes back to me I just bring everything back to the courthouse filled out. It's going to cost about 52 bucks in all for that. I don't know what other fees I might get stuck with later, but so far it's not too bad. I think I am going to have to go before a judge though, the paper that has to be filled out for the order of the change has a line for a judge to sign. I'm hoping it will just have to be looked at by one and reviewed and I won't have to actually go to court. I've got to get my ID updated though. I've only got my expired learners permit, and they want a copy of a drivers license. I'm hoping they will accept a photo ID instead, they should, I mean the purpose of one is for people who have no drivers license. I guess I'll find out, at least they don't cost more than like 10 bucks. I just have to get to DMV sometime and get that taken care of. I also have to write a letter stating why I want the name change, and sign it and I guess have one of the clerks sign it also. It's going to be a little complicated, but I think I have it figured out pretty well. It's not so much complicated as it is just time consuming. I fill out one sheet, mail it and wait, then when I get that I submit it all and wait. So it's mostly a lot of waiting. But that seems to be what half of transition is, having the patience to wait for it all to get done. I hope it's all over with by June at least. I'm still kind of scared since I have to write that letter. I live in a pretty rural county of the state, so you never know when you're going to run into someone closed minded enough to have a problem with me. I don't even think the person who helped me this morning could tell I was TG, if she did she must not have really cared. I hope that's how they handle all of this. I mean I'm supposed to be able to trust the legal system aren't I? There is no legal reason I shouldn't be able to change my name, so I shouldn't have anything to worry about if the people processing this follow the law. But you never know with this country, either way I guess I have to take a leap of faith, so to speak, and just do this and hope it goes well. I'm not really depressed anymore, apprehensive maybe, but not depressed. So I think doing something to better myself seems to have worked.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Depression

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, trying to get my life back in some order. I honestly have no clue where things started slipping again. The closest I can estimate is around November, I had started getting worse with the alcohol and smoking back then, and was making some small efforts to control it but not much. I was having a little depression from arguing with Richie so much, but I think having to cancel my doctors appointment last month pushed me over the edge or something. I think that's where I started going downhill, but I'm not completely sure. I spent most of the month randomly stressing over whether or not I was even going to be able to make it to my new one. I started drinking a bit more frequently and smoking too. I think it was just every problem in my life combining to push me back over that line again. I haven't been this bad in so long, and now I'm going through depression again. It's not the same as usual, it's the same kind that lasts for days on end like it did before, and I have to get myself out of it. I'm trying to quit everything I've been doing that was harmful to me, and I'm going crazy detoxing. It's only been a week and it feels like a month. I'm not happy with where my life is headed, I need to do more. I was making so much progress with my transition before, and now I'm just sitting around stagnating. I haven't done one really significant thing to further my transition since May. Using the women's restroom in public for the first time was about it, but I wasn't alone for that. I just know I need to do something a bit more drastic than that. I have to stop talking about changing my name and get off my ass and make it happen. I want to before the end of the month. I'm scared because I don't know how much it's going to end up costing me, but I have to do it. It will hopefully help me get a job easier, which should definately help my depression since I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I guess right now is when find out just how true it is when they say you have to hurry up and wait for transition. So if I can get a ride on Monday I'm going to the court house and seeing what I can do. I've wasted enough time being scared. I can sit around and worry about the what ifs or I can get it over with and hope for the best. So I'm taking the chance and doing it. I'm tired of this depression, I'm getting over it, I swear.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Updates On Life

I finally got to go to my doctors appointment today, it only took an extra month. It went pretty well though. My blood pressure checked out fine, I only dropped one pound, and I got new prescriptions on all my meds. I was worried all the shit I've been doing the last month or so might screw things up. I guess I got lucky. I seriously down played the drinking, but I did tell my doctor that I've been doing it a lot lately. I never brought up smoking, but I'm hoping I can fix that problem before it becomes a serious issue. I was kind of light headed when I got home, but that was probably because they took 3 vials of blood out of me. My ears were even ringing for a while too, that's the worst I've ever felt after they did that. I'm ok now though, I got some food and sugar in me once I got home. I did get my phone issue fixed last Saturday. They wanted to charge me 175 bucks for a new one like the one I had, so I had to get my old phone reactivated. It's one of those old blue nokia phones that was popular back in 03. It's pretty crappy compaired to the one I messed up, but I can at least call and text. It's pretty basic, but I'll live. The good news is that I can upgrade it on the 22nd. So I only have to use this one until then and I can get a new one free. I've pretty much recovered my New Years binge now, and I'm finding out stuff from other people that I didn't remember. Apparently they were trying to get me to drink water and I kept pushing it away, they told me it was vodka and I grabbed the glass and started drinking it. I disgust myself sometimes with my addictions, more like all the time. I haven't done anything since the other day, but I've definately thought about what I'm going to do to fix all this. I'm quitting smoking period, and I'm cutting the drinking back a lot. From now on I'm quitting once I notice I'm buzzed. I'm going to avoid getting drunk if I can, but I'm making sure Richard and all my friends know to get the alcohol away from me once I'm drunk from now on. I'm trying to count on myself more than anyone else to stop this, they're just my back up in case I let myself go again. I can do this, I broke one addiction, I can kick a couple more. I've beat myself up about this for the last week. I've been depressed as hell, but at least today lifted my spirits a bit with a good check up and everything. I picked up a copy of the Heroin Diaries today, I'm a big Motley Crue fan. The soundtrack has helped me with a lot of addiction problems, I'm hoping the book might scared me straight. It's pretty damn good so far. I guess if he could beat all the shit he did, I can quit the small time I've been doing. Anyway, that's about all I have to say for now. I could sit here and sulk some more, and ask questions that only I know the real answers to, but I'm not. I'm going to go read some more.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

What a Way to Start 09

I had probably the worst night of my life last night. My boyfriend wanted me to go to this party his friends were having, and I didn't want to because I don't really fit in with the friends who were having it. I was going to stay at home and watch a movie with his parents, but he got all pouty when I decided not to go, so I ended up going so he wouldn't be pissed at me. He already thinks I hate most of his friends, so I wanted to go to prove that I don't. My real reason for not wanting to go, which I kept saying, was that I didn't want to because I knew I would get drunk. Well guess what happened. I got drunk all right, in fact I got so drunk I puked on the kitchen floor. Then when they brought me a bucket to do it in, I kept going and passed out with my face in it. Before then I had already made it out on to the back porch and fell in the floor and smoked a cigarette, and somehow got back inside for midnight and downed a glass of champagne like it was a shot. I think that pushed me over the edge finally. In all I had a smirnoff ice, 3 shots of canadian whiskey, half of a 375ml bottle of vodka, a pina colada, and the glass of champagne. At least that's all I remember drinking. It scared the shit out of me. I could understand what everyone was saying still, and I heard them talking about taking me to the ER at one point. Apparently my breathing had slowed down and I was puking while I was out. I managed to say that I was ok a few times according to my boyfriend. I got puke in my hair and on my coat, they somehow got that off of me and threw it in the washer. In the course of all that happening apparently my phone got messed up some way. I think something must have spilled on it, but I have no clue. It wouldn't turn on at first, now it does, I just get no signal. I swear I was pretty damn close to having alcohol poisoning, they said I even got paler looking. I don't know if they should have taken me to the ER or not, I guess I'm lucky to still be alive quite honestly. I can't believe I did that, I just couldn't stop for some reason. I think I learned a hard lesson from it though, I have to stop drinking. I had been pretty good about limiting myself lately, but I just let go last night for some reason. I have to stop this, many more nights like that and it will catch up to me sooner or later. I'm ok now, I just feel like complete shit, and I slept through half the day. I'm just glad people were looking out for me. I'm through, I've got a drinking problem and I'm quitting now while I'm still alive. That's the hardest lesson I've ever learned, but hopefully that's enough to teach me what I needed to know. I guess I just had to have my head in a toilet puking at 5 in the morning to drive the point home.