It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman, and everyday life in general. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that transgender people face every day.
I guess it’s time once again to take a look back at the last year and how much I accomplished. It’s been a rough one to say the least, but I at least came out of it with a few things I’m proud of. The first and biggest one I would have to say is getting my name changed, that’s a feat in and of itself when you’re TG. Richard and I breaking up kind of happened at about the same time, so I may not have celebrated quite as much as I should have. It was kind of like the high and low point of my year both happened at the same time. I had my estrogen dosage raised again, which is always an occurrence to be happy about. It even saved me a bit of money by getting it raised, oddly enough. I finally got myself back into therapy, and found a therapist close by with experience working with TG people at that. It definitely helped pull me out of my downward spiral I was headed for over the summer. I managed to over come my depression for the most part with a little push from a friend shortly after too. I’d say those are the major ones. It’s not quite what I had in mind for this year, I had hoped to accomplish more, but I have to take what I can get. I can thank congress and Bush for fucking up the economy, which has kind of slowed me down a bit. I’m just going to say I did well, all things considered. I have plenty more that needs to be done, but I have to appreciate the small things too. I need to take what I can get when I can get it. I’ve got a god feeling about 2010, I think I can make a lot of things happen for me in the next year. As of now, it’s looking like I’m heading into it better than I did 09. I’m just staying home this year for New Years, and I have no alcohol. I’ll be able to stand up without wobbling or falling down this year. I’m not making that mistake twice; I got off to a bad start in this year right from the minute it began. I can’t say I’m disappointed in it, but I feel like I could have done better. I’m a believer in karma, so maybe if I bring the new year in sober more good things will happen to me during it. I’m not enough of a psychic to see, but I guess time will tell. I have my hope, and as long as I do, there’s still a chance for me yet. Transition or die trying is the motto I live every day by, and that’s one thing I can say I’ve done a great job at so far. I don’t plan on ever doing any less than just that.
I actually had a pretty good day today, well last night and today both. My grandma asked me last night if I wanted to go with them to see my aunt today. She hadn’t really seen me since I went full time or changed my name, but since she knew about it already I decided to go. I figured I might try to mend a few fences with the family, so to speak. Even though I had to get up early, I’m glad I went. She actually called me Sage the whole time when she talked to me, and didn’t really ask any awkward questions and stuff like I was half expecting. We went out to eat and shopped at a couple of thrift stores afterwards. I found an awesome little jewelry box for 2 bucks, and a smaller purse like I’ve been wanting for 7. So things actually went way better than I expected them to today. It feels so good to reconnect with family. I can’t help wishing I had done this sooner, but I guess I made snap judgments just like I didn’t want my family making about me. I’ll admit that I hadn’t really given them a fair chance until now, and I’m glad I did. It almost feels like a slightly late present to me. Also, not long after I had decided to go last night, I tried turning my laptop on one last time in hopes that just maybe it would work, and it did. I have no clue what happened in the first place or to get it going again. It’s as if it just decided it wasn’t going to work for a while. If that’s not proof of karma I don’t know what is. I’m actually happy, something I wasn’t expecting for the holidays this year. People are getting even older in my family, they are my grandma’s siblings after all, and if I don’t give them a chance to accept me soon it may be too late later on. I grew up around most of these people, so it does mean a lot to me to know that some of them accept me as I am. I spent so much of my teens and especially the last 2 years avoiding them, now I’m starting to regret it, but at least there’s still time to make up for it. Maybe my family isn’t quite so bad as I had in mind this whole time. If my friends are too busy for me, I guess I should try to spend time with the only people that feel obligated to see me. Looks like the new year may give me a new chance with my family, I guess we’ll find out.
I suppose I should write something about how the holidays and Christmas went. I sat at home on my ass and did pretty much nothing on my birthday, aside from getting my family to get a pizza for me. I did get a nice black knit scarf with a hat and gloves to match it and 20 bucks, but it fell a bit short of memorable. It seems like every birthday since I was 16 or so has been that way. My mom didn't even call me, she texted me, it was a nice gesture, but I guess I'm a bit old fashion. I appreciate the times when a phone was just a phone, when you had to actually pick it up and talk to the person you wanted to tell something to. It just means a bit more to me to get a call than a text. On the plus side I didn't go hungry, I just gorged myself on pizza most of the day and soda against my better judgement. I forget eating healthy for at least a day when it's my birthday, I let myself have everything I shy away from normally. I laugh in the face of calories and trans fat on my birthday, and then barley eat the next day. Christmas morning wasn't too bad, aside from the fact that my laptop decided to stop working after I had just watched a DVD on it 45 minutes before. It's not a huge loss, everything on it was copied from the desktop, but it is rather disappointing, and kills the good mood just a bit. I got some clothes and other things I needed, and about 200 bucks. It helps me out a bit, a job would be better, but 200 can last me for a little while. After a string of sarcastic texts to my mom she finally called me this afternoon. It wasn't a bad Christmas overall, but it could have been better. It just sucks that I've spent most of the holidays virtually alone. Oh well, maybe next year will be better.
I don't really have anything that important to talk about involving myself, so I shall do commentary on whatever comes to mind.
First of all, I want to express my extreme dissatisfaction with ENDA being, once again, delayed until next year to be voted on. That's my politically correct don't make the FBI show up at my door version of how I feel. The between the lines real version; I want to go slap the asshole and/or assholes that have some kind of issues with it in the face. It's fine as is, when I hear anyone talking about revising the language of it my mind goes back to 07. You know, that time TG people were completely dropped from ENDA when the "language was revised". I'll feel like doing worse than slapping someone if they pull that shit on us again. I want to go get some of the dumbass bureaucrats that are causing the problems fired for being old and white. I want to see how they feel being discriminated against. It's way past overdue for us to be included in federal laws!
Also, what’s with the damn religious groups having problems with it? They're the ones that scream bloody murder anytime someone loses a job over a religious difference. They get their freedom from persecution, what the hell is so wrong with us having the same thing. The bill clearly states that it does not infringe upon any religious institutions or businesses rights. Read the fucking bill people! I'm sick of hearing them bitch about how they think it's going to somehow screw around with their religious rights. I'm not sure what more can be done to make them see that it will not. What has to be done in order for them to? Are they blind? Are they just that dense that they don't get it? Maybe they're just tying to cause trouble and being complete and absolute hypocrites? You be the judge my dear readers, I merely throw the questions out there.
Secondly, and on a controversial note, I'm pissed off about the legal status and misconceptions surrounding weed. I've used it, I liked it, and I had no more ill effects from it than I would have from getting drunk. In fact there were less ill effects than being drunk. So what's so damn horrible about it! Yes, some people have bad results from using it. Just as with any kind of prescription drug, if doesn't work for you, don't fucking use it! I'm sick of people, namely the government and pot haters, using that as an excuse to keep it illegal. Thus the government sponsors it's own private multimillion dollar drug black market. Prohibition people; it didn't work with alcohol, why do we expect it to work with drugs? The past 40 years have proven that the so-called "war on drugs" is more like a war on non-violent drug users. They fill the prisons up with those, and then they let the rapists and pedophiles go. People get busted for possession, where as those with 100 kilos in their basement that can get away with it get rich. Way to go justice system, lets make people's lives all the more traumatic as a result of the people let back into the system. Maybe the millionaire drug lords will pay for psych rehab for the general public? I know, they should prohibit caffeine next, it was considered for placement on the drug schedule listings back in the day you know. We dodged a bullet there didn't we?
I hate to be negative, especially this time of year, but people need to stop giving me reasons to say this stuff. I do have one good thing to say. At least I haven't let all of this stuff cause me to be depressed. I'm using this as a positive way to speak about how I feel, regardless of how many people I may piss off by saying what I have. If you have a problem with what I say, don't read it. I should have come with a parental advisory sticker tattooed on me when I was born, so that about says it all with me. It feels good to express my anger while also pointing out the short comings of this country. Don't believe my statements aren't based on facts? Google it and see, I promise I only bitch about 100% verified bullshit and injustices.
Well, not too much has been going on lately that’s really worth writing about, but there’s plenty now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. My grandma seems to still have issues with seeing me as a woman. She asked me a few weeks ago to make a list of stuff that I would want for Christmas, it was the first time I had actually done one in a few years. I was reluctant to put it on there, but I put the type of women’s underwear down that I wear. They were pretty good about the clothes last year. She asked me yesterday where to find my size at, I’m a 4, so it’s just a size below what most places carry. I can't help it that I'm skinny as hell, blame my mom, she's where I get it from. I tell her Walmart, and a few other similar stores, even Victoria's secret, and she goes off on me about how all she can find in that size are little girls underwear. She bitches about she doesn’t think they make them in size 4 for adults, and acts like I told her to go to the ends of the earth to find them. I got frustrated and said that I can’t help the situation I’m in, that I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I can get. I even said it’s fine if she can’t find them, I can look on my own. After that we get into another argument. I brought up something my therapist had mentioned to me before that might help me get a job. Something called vocational rehabilitation, it’s to help anyone that’s got any kind of physical, metal, or emotional problems or disabilities, find and keep a job. The service is free, you just make an appointment, and after that go to the office and they talk to you and help you figure out what’s hiring in your area and see what they can do to help you find a place to work. There’s an office in Williamsburg, only about a half hours drive from here, and with my history, I think I will easily meet the conditions to be accepted. That’s pretty much what I told them, although they interrupted and wouldn’t let me finish half the time. It’s because of my family that I hate to be interrupted mid sentence. My grandma, once again, acts like I’ve asked them to help me infiltrate the temple of doom or something. No amount of explaining seems as though it will convince them to help me out with that, even though they go to Williamsburg to see family all the fucking time. She bitches at me about how she feels like she lost the old me, and acts like I killed myself or something. She even pulled a sob story on me about how she saw my old baby blanket and some clothes I wore when I was little Thanksgiving morning when she was looking for something and cried. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? All I could, and ever will be able to say is that I’m still me. I may look a bit different and have a different name now, but that doesn’t change who I am. If anything I’m more me now than I used to be. I know of nothing better that I can say to that. She says she feels like she doesn’t know me anymore, and bitches about how it’s because I stay in my room most of the time at home and don’t want to eat dinner at the table with them. I tell her, I only eat dinner in my room because it’s better than sitting with them in an awkward silence for the duration of a meal, and that I only stay in my room so much because they alienate me by never talking about anything that’s important to me. The only thing worse than an awkwardly silent dinner with my family is an awkwardly silent dinner with my friend’s very homophobic step dad that hates me. She tells me that she wants to get to know me, but that she thinks it’s too late for it, and I just say ask me anything you want to know, anything, anytime. She bitches that I won’t do anything with them; they don’t make any effort to really do anything with me or get to know me. It’s hard to get to know me if you never fucking ask me about anything I care about. Anytime I try to give her that opportunity she hates what she hears and tells me to leave her alone, so what the fuck am I supposed to do! This is one reason I hate the holidays, senseless arguing mixed with the fact that most people I know have better things to do than hang out with me. I’m always lonely this time of year, is it any wonder I do most of my drinking between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day? Every holiday during that time just reminds me of how emotionally isolated I am from my family, and how few friends I have in the area. This was long, but I needed to vent somewhere. I promise I'm fine, just a bit frustrated at the moment.
Well, I guess I should write a bit about Thanksgiving, I know I'm a bit late doing it. Things actually went better than I was expecting them to. My mom and her boyfriend came down came down and picked me up Wednesday afternoon, and we went to my aunt's house and stayed the night. We had thanksgiving dinner together Thursday, it wasn't too eventful. I was talking to my aunt the night before about wanting to get a really good laptop to use to get my photo business off the ground. She mentioned that she had an old laptop that she didn't use anymore and that I could have it if I wanted it. I took the offer, obviously, it's only a Pentium 3 and has 27 gigs of memory, but it's a start. It does have a built in wireless card, so I can take it with me when I go anywhere and just connect to whatever signal I can pick up. Once I'm able to do that, I can download my photo editing program to it and then I'm set to work on the go. I can take my work with me anywhere I can take the laptop. I'm just so glad she decided to give it to me, it's not as good as my desktop, but it's enough to do the work until I can get something better. I want to customize one the Dell business grade laptops to have as much hard drive space, and the fastest processor they put in a laptop. That combined with a high resolution screen and good software should be enough to eventually get a business off the ground with. I've got my eye on a few good DSLR cameras, a green screen studio set. I like the green screen idea since it means I can carry one background around with me and then add whatever background I want to the finished pictures with the software. It will probably cost me around 3 to 4 grand total on the computer plus the studio equipment I would need. I just need the basics to do freelance work. It just sucks that the profession I have the most interest and passion in would be one that requires expensive equipment, but it could be more I guess. It's expensive to me considering I'm transitioning on top of those costs. For now my little Fujifilm consumer grade camera is going to have to do. It's 10 mega pixels, so it's a decent enough resolution to get the job done. Back on the subject of Thanksgiving, like I said, it was rather uneventful. We did break down on the way back to my house though. That part did really suck, but luckily we were close enough by that I could ask my grandparents to pick me up and take me home. Aside from that little issue, things were pretty good, I can't complain. I got something out of it that definitely helps me to move forward with the career I want, and I got to spend time with my favorite side of the family. I can say I had a good holiday, I just hope Christmas goes as well.
I'm a little late getting this up, but it's something worth writing about to me. I'm sure most people who are reading my blog know that this past day was the International Transgender Day of Remembrance. I never really know what to write or say for it, nothing really seems to ever say it all. I looked at the list over on transgender.org earlier for 2009, I always hate looking at those lists, but I felt like I should. It was sickening to see the number of people on that list from this past year, compared to last years list. It was around 30 to 32 or so last year, and if this year's list is correct, the number is 134. I can't say I know if that figure is 100% correct, but if it is, that means there's been a little over a 100% increase in anti TG violence in the last year. Honestly, that scares the the hell out of me, but it angers and saddens me more than it scares me. I will never be able to comprehend what would make anyone kill another for being something they have no choice to be. I hope I never will understand that, because life is too short to spend it senselessly hating people. I just wish more in this world could see it the way I do. I can't even begin to explain how much emotion is stirred in me every November 20th. I don't look forward to it, because until the day that list is blank for the past year, I know we still have so far to come towards acceptance in this world. Sitting here writing about it isn't going to further our cause though, and neither will reading those names or anything anyone else writes about it unless we stand up for ourselves. We had one hell of a victory last month with the passage of the hate crimes bill, but we have so much more still to fight for. The work towards that goal doesn't start on capitol hill, it starts with each and every one of us who decides to not be ashamed of being TG. It starts with every one of us who decides to stand up for ourselves in the face of those who seek to demean us. It starts with us all, and whether or not we choose to hide our true selves, or to embrace them. Remember those who have been taken from us as a result of senseless violence, it's up to us to speak for them now. It's up to us to speak out for them and ourselves, because we don't deserve to live in fear. It's ok if you're not to the point of being ready to take a stand publicly, but those of us who are ready and willing to most definitely should. It doesn't matter how big or small that stand is, if you make it, that's one more strike against the hate we face. We can't let these deaths have been in vain, they must be our inspiration to fight back. So let this day be not only one of reflection and remembrance, but let it also be one of inspiration to move our cause forward. It's up to each and every one of us to do so, one person can make a difference. Rest in peace brothers and sisters, we will not forget you.
I decided to move most of the stuff from my old site over to a new one, I was tired of not having my name in the site address. There were too many broken picture links and bad grammar on the old one also. So, as of now, I have one website that links everything of mine on the net together. It took a few days, but something happened earlier in the week that made me a bit embarassed by the old site. I got asked to be in a documentary on transgender people, I'm not quite sure where it's going to go just yet. I'm pretty certain he's legit, and after talking to him a bit I can tell he knows what he's talking about. I can't really say it's anything definite yet, but I guess I'll see where things take me. Part of me is nervous about possibly doing it, but at the same time it may be my chance to get my opinions heard in a big way. It's something I may have to look forward to at the very least. I'll keep things updated as I know more about it. I overhauled the website for sake of having something halfway decent looking for people to see if this documentary thing goes anywhere. I changed the link over on the right, just click the one labled my website to check it out, if you want.
There isn't too much to talk about lately, I did get to go out for Halloween night. I went out to a club in Norfolk with a few friends, including one I hadn't seen for well over a year. I also got to see another really good friend I hadn't seen for a while, so I guess the good luck symbol on my tattoo is working already. I actually found out last night that the guy who did it is dating the sister of a guy I went to school with. She found me on facebook and thanked me for letting him do my tattoo, and that he had actually gone online and looked up stuff about it that night after he did it. It's so great to know people I never expected it from are open minded about me. It's also great to know I made a real impression on the guys at the tattoo place, apparently they were talking about me, all good stuff too. I did set aside a few hours to do my own serious thing for Halloween, seeing as I celebrate Samhain, the original ancient Celtic version of Halloween. I just love how the timing of getting my tattoo and the holiday happened, I swear few big things in my life seem to happen for no reason. I made a commitment not too long ago before I decided to get the tattoo, that I'm going to make serious effort to eventually become a Wiccan high priestess. The tattoo in a way is my reminder to myself of the path I'm called to follow, and how to stay on that path. Getting it right before the most major holiday I celebrate, my new year, speaks volumes to me. It's like with the beginning of a new year, I've also begun a new chapter in my life. I don't usually bring my religion up on here, but it's time I remain true to my description of an uncensored diary of my life. This was just too big to go unmentioned, the last 4 days have really been great for me. I love when something otherwise insignificant, can really grab your attention and show you something profound. I'm on the right path in life, I've had all the confirmation I need lately, and it feels wonderful.
I finally got my tattoo tonight! Here's some shots of it.
Done by Devin at Liquid Metal Tattoo in Shacklefords VA. Yes, that is a plastic sandwich bag taped over it. He ran out of plastic wrap on me.
The best I could take myself holding the camera behind my back and lining it up in a mirror, I'm getting someone else to take a better shot for me later. It looks way better in person when I'm not turning in an awkward position. The pictures don't do it justice.
This was the original design I made. It came out a bit different than this, but I still love it. I think what he did gave it a nice tribal look. I let the shop apprentice do it, so it ran me 100 even, but it was well worth it. My friends were trying to scare me about the pain before the guy started, and when he did I asked if that was it? I think I surprised them with that, it didn't really seem that bad to me for the most part, other than when he went over my spine. I flinched twice during the hour and a half it took to get it, at the top of the pentacle and the top corner of the crescent on the right. I was enjoying the conversation I was having with the people who worked there so much I wished it had taken longer. I pretty much spilled everything about my religion, past history with depression and suicide, and that I'm TG. They really seemed to show me a lot of respect for being up front and honest about that stuff. They were curious about it all, not really critical of me at all, even said they thought I was brave for transitioning and wanting to go the whole way with it. They said I was a lot of firsts for them, so I know I made an impression on them also. I'm glad I decided to go there, it was great meeting people that open minded within walking distance of where I live. With any hope I may get more tattoos in the future, I guess time will tell.
I can't believe it! I got this in an email earlier today.
"(October 22, 2009, Washington, DC) In an historic move, the United States Senate, by a vote of 68 to 29, joined the House of Representatives in passing The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which will be the first federal law to include gender identity and transgender people. Once signed by the President, this law will add sexual orientation, gender identity, gender and disability to the categories included in existing federal hate crimes law and will allow local governments who are unable or unwilling to address hate crimes to receive assistance from the federal government. President Obama has indicated that he will sign the bill into law. "Transgender people have been waiting so many years for assistance from the federal government in addressing the rampant and disproportional violence that we face," noted Mara Keisling, Executive Director of the National Center for Transgender Equality. "Today we move one step closer to our goal of ending violence motivated by hatred. Everyone in America deserves to live free of fear and of violence. We know that the dedicated leadership and hard work of Senator Kennedy and Representative Conyers and many other legislators made the passage of this bill possible. Words can't really express our gratitude for their commitment to equality for all people."In the past, federal law has only mentioned gender identity in a negative context, such as explicitly excluding transgender people from the Americans with Disabilities Act. The passage of the hate crimes bill marks a significant turning point from the days in which the federal government contributed to the oppression of transgender people to today when federal law takes action to protect our lives. The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act will have a number of positive impacts. First, it will help educate law enforcement about the frequent hate violence against transgender people and the need to prevent and appropriately address it. Second, it will help provide federal expertise and resources when it is needed to overcome a lack of resources or the willful inaction on the part of local and/or state law enforcement. Third, it will help educate the public that violence against anyone is unacceptable and illegal. Transgender people continue to be disproportionately targeted for bias motivated violence. Thirteen states and Washington, DC have laws which include transgender people in state hate crimes laws."
Finally, everything the LGBT community has been fighting for, for so long, is begining to pay off. Keep you fingers crossed for the employment non discrimination bill that's coming up for vote soon also. It includes the same thing as the hate crimes bill, and Obama stated that he will sign it if it passes. We've had a major victory today, hope is definitely not lost yet.
Things didn't go quite as expected today, but they went really well anyway. My friend and I went by the tattoo shop before my doctors appointment and talked to them about both of us getting one. She decided that she wanted one, so we set up an appointment to come back in 2 weeks on the 29th and get them at the same time. There wasn't enough time for me to get it before my appointment today, so it all worked out pretty well. I was hoping I'd have a friend there anyway, since it's my first tattoo. It makes me a little more comfortable to have someone there I already know anyway. So I'm still getting it, I just have to wait a little while. It took forever before the doctor got to me at the clinic, but I did get a free flue shot. I guess I got lucky that I go to a free clinic and they're offering flu shots to all patients. I thought it was better than nothing, especially since I didn't even have to pay for it. That's really about all that happened today, but I'm happy with how things went. It seems like things are taking a turn for the better, I just hope it lasts a while longer. At least I have something to look forward to soon.
There hasn't been a lot going on lately to write about for a while, but I really do need to update this more often. Anyway, getting back on topic, I had a bit of good luck today. My phone started giving me problems Friday afternoon, I got a text, opened it to look, and the screen was blank. I could only see what I was doing half the time when it decided to work, and only if I opened the phone halfway. I took it to a Verizon store nearby Saturday and they couldn't help me, aside from telling me to go to try the store in Williamsburg, and that it was probably a software issue. They did say that it should be replaced for free since I had the phone for less than a year and it was still under warranty. So today I went by there after picking up my meds at Walgreen's, and managed to get there right as they opened. I got taken right away, and they swapped my phone for a new identical one, and transferred all my contacts and pictures to the new one. It took all of 15 minutes and I was out of there. I swear that's the easiest time I've ever had dealing with Verizon. I was worried they would give me some kind of bullshit about it being my fault the phone was messed up, but luckily it couldn't have gone better. I went by McDonald's on the way home and picked up a wrap to eat when I got home, and found out they gave me a piece of chicken on it twice the size of what's normally on there. I know it was kind of insignificant, but it really kind of made my day in a way. Everything went as planned, and I can even say better than planned today. I don't experience that too often, so that's why it made me happy today. I also stuck a 4 leaf clover in my coat pocket before I left that I have pressed between some clear tape, I guess it came in handy. I have an appointment at my clinic tomorrow, and I'm hoping to possibly get a tattoo before I head to that. I found some extra money I had hidden from myself, so I'm treating myself to something I've been wanting for a couple of years now. I can only hope tomorrow goes as well as today did, I'll be sure to write about it when I get back. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to show if I'm able to get the tattoo.
I went to look for jobs in town last Tuesday after my therapy appointment. The only problem, practically no one is hiring. I tried 8 different places, and half of them I showed up there in person to ask about getting a job. 3 of them just weren't hiring, 2 told me to go online and apply, and the last few I checked online at home later only to find that they weren't hiring. I'm going to try Radio Shack, but since no one in this town leaves their jobs, I'm not too hopeful. I'm just about down to trying the 4 fast food places, which I'm saving as last resorts. I guess after getting my first job in a photography studio, fast food feels like it's beneath me, not to mention it's what my mom does as a job. I don't have anything it really, I guess I just feel like I should be able to get something better than that by now. I guess it also has something to do with not wanting to go the same route as my mom. I'm not giving up though, I'll do a job I hate until I can find one that's better. I'm checking everywhere I possibly can, I won't give up. I just have to accept that it's going to take a little while to find anything in this town. All I can really do is just keep trying, and check the same places every week or two and see if there are any openings. I will find something, I'm not stopping until I do. I did find out the other day that I have 350 dollars more than I thought I did, so I'm better off financially than I had myself believing. I've also got a bit of a crush, if you want to call it that, on another trans girl I'm friends with. I'm not sure where that's going to take me, but that's a story for another time, I could make a whole post just on that.
OK, yeah, it's been a while since I last posted. Nothing really has been going on, I regret to say. I've been trying to get my family to give me a ride into town to get applications for jobs since the last time I posted. Just my luck they decided to get someone to come do work on the house off an on. So the days I'm able to go, they can't, and there's not much point going on a Saturday. I told them earlier today I want to go tomorrow, and they tell me the guy is supposed to be coming again, but don't know if he will. I'm sick of my family, that's all they ever do, promise me nothing. They bitch and bitch that I need to get a job, but refuse to help me get a job. They had the nerve to tell me that they can't take me every day if I get one. Fuck them! I'm sick of this bullshit from them. I'll get where I want in life, with or without their help. I bitch about my family a lot, I know, but this is it. Tell me I may regret pushing my family away if you want, it's worth any amount of future regret to rid myself of this apathetic family. I've got a new camera, so I can see where my photography takes me at least. I will get a job, my options are limited, but I'll find a way, I swear it. I will not accept anything less than what I want, not anymore. I am who I am in spite of my family, not because of them. I will never be, nor would I ever want to be anything like my family. One way or another, I will get what I want, with or without my family's support.
I think I've finally gotten things together enough to get my life where it needs to be. A friend who wasn't trying to spare my feelings told me a lot of things I needed to hear the other day. I wasn't too happy at first, that's because I knew they were right. I doubt myself too much, I let my fear and emotions get the better of me more than I should. It's nothing I haven't known, or been told before, but more so the person telling me that helped. She shocked me out of my depression, and made me realize that as long as I let my problems remain problems, they won't get any better no matter how much I try to fix them. For all the things I've done to try to get myself out of here, I've never fully committed to anything. I've let my fear of failure stop me from going too far, and that's got to stop. A line from a Motley Crue song actually kind of drove the point home for me. "If you want to live life on your own terms, you've got to be willing to crash and burn". I have to be willing to fail in order to succeed at anything, that's something I seemed to have lost sight of in the last couple of years. I started transition out with that attitude, and it got me a long ways. I have to take that and use for life in general. I'm not saying I'm going to throw caution to the wind and just do anything I want and hope it works out. I just have to take more risks, put something on the line every now and then and do something I may not be that comfortable with. I don't like being pushed out of my comfort zone, but every time it's happened so far I've benefited from it. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm asking my therapist about anti depressants again. She knows as well as I do that my depression is mostly from my surroundings, but I don't think it would hurt to give them a try for a while. I'm ok for now, but I know when life gets tough my moods drop again. I just need something to take the edge off of the depression so I can find the energy to keep going and not crash. I've got a plan for this. My camera broke a couple weeks ago, so I'm pulling some money out of my savings and getting a better one. I won't get very far with photography without a camera, and my old 3.1 mega pixel wasn't going to get me too far anyway. I can get a 7.1 at Walmart for about 80-100 bucks, with twice as many photo modes. I'm going to consider it an investment for now. In the mean time I'm going to look for a job here in town, and put in applications at as many places as possible. I'll talk to my therapist about the meds to see if they help me out any at all. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job and save up some money. If I can get one and make a few pay checks over a few months, I'm going to try to get a decent laptop that I can do photo editing on. I can pick up a nice dell with everything I need to do that and then some for around $700, and it makes me able to pick and move my work anywhere I want. I'll also be able to pick up wireless internet signals, so I'll have my work and the internet to take anywhere with me. That will help me be a lot more flexible, so if I'm able to move out after I have the job for a while I won't have anything holding me back. I'm going to make this happen, one way or another, I swear I will. I'm tired of being depressed, and I'm tired of letting it run my life. I will not sit back any longer and watch life pass me by. I want to do a lot of things before I die, and it's not too late to start making them happen. I'm going to take a few risks and pray that they pay off. I won't give up, I've come too far to give up now.
This last week has been pretty damn shitty for me. I decided to wear a skirt in front of my grandparents for the first time last Tuesday to go to my therapy appointment. They acted like it was the most god awful thing I could have done. I walked out to get ready to leave and my grandma looked at me and gave me a look that didn't need to be interpreted. I looked over at her and asked what was that for? After I asked two times she said that it's bad enough going out with me when I'm wearing pants. So I asked her what was so horrible about what I'm doing? She wouldn't answer me. When we got in the car I said you never answered my question, whats so horrible about what I'm doing? Then she goes off on how I'm not a girl yet, and I told her that she can say that all she wants it doesn't make it true. Then they have the nerve to not come back to pick me up until half an hour after my appointment, after I made a phone call and said I was waiting outside in the 90 degree heat. Maybe I over reacted to that one a bit, but at the time it felt like they were doing it out of spite. Then that afternoon my mom picked me up to take me to get my meds at Walgreens. I got to spend a few hours in a car with no air conditioning, so I had to sweat it out to get my meds this month. I tried talking to her some while were on the way there and back, which really is what pissed me off the most. At one point we were talking about how I should go about getting help to get out on my own and she had the nerve to tell me the same shit my grandparents do. She tells me that I made a mistake by starting the hormones and transition before getting a job and place of my own. To which I responded that I would be dead if I hadn't. Then she tells me that since she's so happy with her new boyfriend that she doesn't want to be around who isn't happy. I knew that was referring to me. So my mom pretty much confirms the feeling I had that she cares more about her boyfriend than me. Ironically I was talking about exactly that in therapy earlier that day, what a slap in the face that was to hear afterwards. At this point I just feel like I'm an annoyance to her. She does enough to try to seem like she cares, but most of the time she just doesn't care. She told me that I need to pull myself out of my depression and get mad with my situation and try to change it and get out and meet more people who could help me. I wish she could see all the times I make plans with people only to have them canceled or fall apart. My aunt called and canceled me staying with her for two weeks on Thursday, and Tuesday night I found out that I couldn't stay the night with a friend of mine the next day. So this week has just been one let down after another. My mom doesn't have a clue what I fucking go through. She told me she's been through a lot of shit, well she had a choice to not go through most of the stuff she has in life. No one forced her to get knocked up twice, she had the option of getting an abortion both times, and no one forced her to marry an asshole alcoholic that beat the shit out of her in the past. No one forced her to work a shitty dead end fast food job for 10 years when she could have tried for something better. I didn't choose to be taken from her when I was little, I didn't choose to be taken in by my grandparents, I didn't choose to be depressed, and I sure as hell didn't choose to be TG. I didn't choose to have all the issues I do, and she acts like fixing it is as simple as telling myself to cheer up and running away from the problem. I can't run from my problems, my problems are inside me, they are me. I can't just take a vacation from being TG. I've had it with my family. My mom is just apathetic to everything going on with me, my grandparents are just trying to make themselves look good while not so much as offering any emotional support, and the rest of my family is just there. No one comes and asks me how things are going, or if I'm doing alright. They're just kind of there, not really doing anything. My aunt is the only family member who when she's seen that I'm upset asks whats wrong and what can she do to help. I just hope I can make it another 2 weeks to get to see her for a bit. This fucking place is driving me crazier than I already was. I swear when I get the chance and I'm out on my own I'm severing all ties with everyone in my family but my aunt.
I got a call last Friday morning telling me that I needed to reschedule my appointment at my clinic. Luckily I called my friend up and she wasn't busy Tuesday, so I just moved it up and got it over with already. It went really well, even though we got there very early I went inside about 20 minutes early. They were running behind so I got about 35 to 40 minutes of waiting time. It flew by pretty fast though, the waiting room was pretty full and we had almost everyone involved in one big conversation. It was just great to have a conversation with other TG people, even though it was just about random things. I was pretty happy to find out when I got weighed that I managed to drop 5 pounds since May. I was 133, now I'm down to 128, and I was 120 when I started hormones. I'm not trying to go back that far, I just want to keep it well within the 120s range. I guess cutting out unhealthy snacks between meals and watching calories worked. I spilled everything about going back to therapy, and had to tell them that I was getting a little depressed was why. Then my doctor figured out I had been smoking without me even telling her. She was checking my lungs with the stethoscope and suddenly said, how long have you been smoking? I kind of paused out of shock and explained that I had only been since last fall, and mostly just social smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since June, and the only smoking I did since then was some pot a couple of times. I didn't know she would pick it up that easily. Luckily I didn't get in trouble, she just strongly suggested that I not smoke anymore. Which I can comply with since it seems I've never managed to get addicted, to any brand I've used. They took blood and wanted me back in 2 months because of the depression. So I guess I got off a little easy after all of that. I know they're trying to connect the dots a bit with those 3 things. I had a therapy appointment earlier that day, so it was a pretty busy day for me. I had a bad day today. My grandparents got all bitchy on me when I asked for a ride to get my meds next week, and said some things that really upset me. I locked myself in my room and tried to call my mom, when she didn't answer I texted my aunt. She asked me if coming and staying with her next weekend might help, so that seems to be the plan for now. She told me before if I ever needed to get away from here for a few days that I could come stay with her, so I'm looking forward to it. I need a break from this place and my grandparents, even if I have to wait a week.
I actually had quite a few things to talk about since the last time I posted. My last therapy appointment was rather uneventful, aside from her suggesting possibly looking for some kind of halfway house to help me get on my feet. No luck there though, everything in the area is for either drugs or alcohol rehab, no mental illness recovery ones that aren't for anyone over 18. I don't know where that idea will go, I guess I'll have to wait to find out. Last Saturday morning I woke up and went to use the bathroom and it burned like hell when I peed. I hoped it would pass within a day or so, at first I just hoped it was from tucking too tightly lately. It just lasted a lot longer than I thought it would because of that. I was scared enough I might have a urinary infection I went to the doctor on Monday. That was an adventure unto itself. Everyone who was called up to the receptionist desk to get their IDs and insurance cards back was called either Mr. or Mrs. by her before their last name. I was sitting there the whole time with my heart pounding hoping that she wouldn't use Mr. in front of my name. She had my ID so it would have been easy to figure things out. Luckily she just called me Sage, which I was so relieved to hear. The pee test came back negative for any kind of infection, so I felt lucky about that. I apparently passed with doctor though. I ended up having to out myself when he asked me if I had noticed any vaginal discharge or if I had ever had a yeast infection. We established rather awkwardly what kind of parts I had, then went though everything that might be possible. He agreed with me about any kind of prostate issues, I'm too young, and the estrogen would cause it to shrink and not be prone to problems as easily. We eventually came to the conclusion that it was because of how I was tucking things. I had been trying to make it as tight as I could lately to keep things from slipping out, and it wouldn't be the first time I've gotten irritated down there. Uretheral irritation was the final diagnosis, basically I had been sitting it on it too often for too long. I managed to chafe the inside of it somehow. The doctor handled it very well though, which surprised me for a doctor here in town, it didn't seem to phase him. Luckily things have cleared up now, and I learned I need to take care of parts I don't want better. Things have been relatively calm aside from that little issue.
There isn't really that much to say about the last week or so. I had my second therapy appointment on tuesday, but it's still pretty soon to really make much of a judgement about how it's going. So far I like her, and she's been very understanding about everything going on with me. I haven't really talked that much yet about the new issues with me, I've mostly been trying to let her get to know me so far. I go again on tuesday, so I'm going to try to bring more things up this time. Just my luck, last week when I walk out to get picked up from my appointment I find out another family member has just died. So things aren't really getting better yet, but I hope once I start bringing up everything I came there to talk about things will start improving.
I finally had my therapy appointment today, and things went pretty well. I found out she had actually had transgender patients before, so that makes me feel like she knows what she's talking about. Somehow she guessed that I did pot, but she said she didn't think it was that bad. We talked a little about anti depressants, mostly about if I felt like I would like to try them. I'll have to go talk with the psychiatrist first to get them, but for now I'm going to wait a week or two and see if I still feel like I need them. I'm going to go back once a week for now until I feel like I'm getting a bit more comfortable. Mostly I just want to get the getting to know me part sped up a little. I like her, and I think things are going to go pretty well. I have hope for this. Last weekend was a little bit good and a little bad. My step dad tried to cause more problems, but my aunt got it straightened out. Me and my aunt actually had a really long talk Saturday night about things. I found out me and her have a lot of the same problems and issues. So it's nice knowing that someone else in the family knows what I go through. She told me the next day that if I ever needed to get away from things to just let her know, because she could come get me and I could stay there for a while. So me and her seem to have more in common than we ever thought. I don't know where things are going to take me. I hope I can get some help in therapy with all of this shit, but I guess only time will tell.
I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better after the awesome weekend I had. I stayed with a good friend of mine Saturday night and ended up getting more stoned than I've ever been. I was saying that I needed it with all the stress I've been having lately, so it really helped me loosen up. It makes me feel so much better for at least a couple days afterwards. Anyway I spent last night in Richmond with another good friend of mine that I've known like forever. She was worried about me too after all of my mental freak outs last week, so I hung out there for a day. I got to watch the sunset from a rooftop three stories above the city Sunday night. Then Monday morning I went with her to her art history class at VCU, which I found to be very interesting. I loved starting my day learning about mesoamerican art history. In all it was a nice time away from home to just slow down a bit and have a little fun. A change of scenery did me pretty good for now. I know it's only a temporary fix, but it's better than nothing. At least I know I have friends who care about me, so that definitely helps. I tried to get an earlier appointment to see that therapist, but with the 4th of July weekend coming up and her taking vacation time, the 8th is still the best I could do. I guess I can hold out until then now. I just have to find ways to keep myself busy, and I might potentially be hanging out with one of my friends on the 5th. I've actually been avoiding the internet lately. It just seems like it's caused me more problems than it's worth. Anyway, I'm alright, so that's what counts. I may be online slightly less, but I'm going to be ok, I haven't given up hope yet.
I would have written about this sooner, but I've had some problems with my internet the last few days. Hopefully that's now fixed, I've got my fingers crossed. Anyway, I managed to get an appointment with that therapist Monday. There's a rather funny story to that. I called the office she was listed at and they told me she had switched offices, but that it was to another one in the same area. I got the phone number for it and thought it sounded familiar, so I looked at one of my old appointment cards from when I was seeing my old therapist and it was the same place. So apparently she took the place of my old therapist when she left, I'm just now finding out about this. I wish they had told me that they were hiring someone else that had experience with LGBT issues. Oh well, I made an appointment to see her on the 8th of July. Unfortunately I couldn't get one any sooner than that since she's on vacation most of next week. The last few days have made me wonder if I can last until then though. With no internet I had nothing to distract myself with, so I had some really bad break downs. I even went to my grandparents and told them what was going on and asked if there was any way I could get admitted to the mental hospital again. I've realized that I have problems with being alone, more like a fear of being alone. That's why having no distractions and living in the middle of nowhere gets to me, I hate not having anyone around I feel like I can talk to or do things with. When I'm out with friends or just out of the house in general I feel ok, but when I'm forced to sit in my room alone all day and night it depresses me. I've got a lot of stress on me lately too. My mom had to have my step dad arrested because he was leaving threatening voice mails on her phone. So she's scared he's going to try to hurt her when he makes bail, and he's done it in the past, I remember it and I don't want to see it again. A fucking meth lab was also busted in my neighborhood close enough that I could walk to it. I heard what I thought was a gun shot yesterday and I jumped out of bed half asleep crouched in the floor and grabbed a knife. So I'm very jumpy and stressed lately. Honestly, I feel like going to a mental hospital as a way to just get away from everything for a while and be in a place where I'm not alone and I can talk to people that can help me figure out some of my problems I'm having. I lied my way out the last time I was there, so I don't feel like I gave it the chance I should have. I think maybe I missed an opportunity to get some help. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's surprisingly hard to voluntarily admit myself to a mental hospital. I guess I'm going to have to wait until I see the therapist to see what she can help me decide to do. If I'm not online or around much in the next few days I'm staying with friends for the weekend. They want to keep me busy until the 8th. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
I need help, and I mean the kind I can only get from a therapist. Lately it just seems like my mental state has taken a nose dive. On Monday I hung out with a friend for the first time in about a month, so naturally I was pretty happy. After she left my house things just seemed to slowly go downhill. By 3 in the morning, about 12 hours later, I was depressed and borderline suicidal. I haven't really mentioned this to many people until now, I guess I've been trying to get past it by myself and hope that's enough. I don't think I can do it alone anymore, I need to get back into therapy. I know there's more going on than just gender dysphoria, at the very least my depression is back. At the worse I have it narrowed down to either I'm bi polar, or I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. OCPD seems to be the most likely to me, that's where most of the common symptoms of the two overlap. All of the symptoms of it apply to me as opposed to about half with bi polar. I don't like to self diagnose, which is why I want to go back into therapy. I can't say 100% for sure I have anything that the GD isn't causing, all I know is there's more that needs to be treated than just it. I found a therapist fairly close by that has experience working with lgbt people, and my grandparents decided to get the name on my insurance changed. So as soon as the new card comes in the mail I'm going to try to find out if she's taking new patients. I can't transition without therapy like this anymore. She's not exactly what I was looking for, she doesn't specialize with TG people, but it's better than trying to take a chance with a therapist I know nothing about. I've refused anti depressants since I was 16, but I'm willing to give them a chance now I guess. It's either get into therapy and try to get some help, or become a pothead. I'll have less legal problems with therapy, so I guess I'll try, even if pot works as a great anti depressant. I know I have other problems to take care of, and it's time I do something to take care of them.
Well, I guess it's time I write something here again. Things have been pretty rough lately, my grandfather died last Wednesday. I'm not nearly as sad though as I wish I could be, I never really got to know him that well. I think that's what bugs me the most, I missed 12 years that I could have known him because of my family. It's too late to really bitch much about that, whats done is done. The funeral caused me a bit of stress though, mostly before and during. I was worried the day before about how extended family that didn't know I'm TG would react, I was calling my mom asking if me wearing a dress would be an issue or not. I mean normally I wouldn't consider toning down the girly looks, but I really didn't want to ruin the funeral if people reacted badly. She told me it was fine though, and my aunt didn't want me to hide who I am, so I did it. I'm actually very glad I did now, because no one seemed to notice, believe it or not. Apparently they were such extended family that they didn't know if my mom had a son and a daughter or two sons. All they seemed to know was that she had a son. She introduced me as her daughter to everyone, and they all seemed a little confused but went along with it anyway saying they didn't know she had a daughter. They did keep asking if she didn't have a son though, but we just said it was my brother. I honestly don't think anyone could tell I was TG, if they did, they didn't let on to it. They treated me and accepted as my moms daughter, and I got lots of compliments on how much I look like her too. It made me feel really good to know I had passed so well. The pastor that did the funeral service was actually one that spoke at my high school graduation and shook my hand when I got my diploma, and he never recognized me. I feel kind for bad being that happy at a funeral, but I was just so shocked by how well everything went. Well, I take that back. One thing did go wrong that morning, but not with me. My step dad decided he wasn't going to let my brother come to the funeral, because my mom walked out on him 2 weeks ago and is getting a divorce. He told my brother that if he went he couldn't come back home. Needless to say a lot of people were pissed off that day as well as sad. I mean that's a low blow by anyone's standards, and just makes me hate him even more. I'm glad my mom walked out on him, and she has a boyfriend too that accepts me as I am and is pretty cool. So I'm hoping things with my family take a turn for the better in the near future.
As the title says I had an epiphany tonight. I watched the movie American Beauty for the first time, and the messages in it hit me particularly hard. There was this scene where a guy had filmed a plastic bag blowing in the wind, and said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The quote was...
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
The next part that really hit me was in the end of the movie. The father of the guy who made the bag film shot the father of the girl he was dating, reasons can only be speculated. But this was the quote the movie ended on, it was the guy who had been shot narrating...
"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
It just spoke to me at a time when I thought I had hit rock bottom. I've majorly been depressed lately, even to the point of considering trying to kill myself again, but then I saw this movie. It came out of nowhere and challenged my entire thought process as of lately. It made me completely rethink my outlook on life, and realize what I'm missing by sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day. There's beauty in this world that goes unnoticed, not because it's not there, but because we don't take the time to see it for what it is, even when we're starring right at it. Life isn't about getting ahead, being successful, or even just getting by. It's about living, and experiencing life for what it is, overpowering, and overwhelming beauty. This movie told me to shut up about my problems, calm the fuck down and take a look around me at what I'm missing, and just realize how amazing life is. It's exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I had broken down crying right before it came on, just out of complete despair, and I almost didn't watch it. I changed the channel and then came back to it a minute later, and I'm glad I did. It's one those movies I love not because it looks cool or has lots of gore and action, but because it makes me stop and think. It forces you to re evaluate yourself and your place in the world, that to me is the best kind of movie. I don't know how long this will stick with me, maybe a day, maybe the rest of my life. All I know is that as of now I'm going to try to not stress the little things in life, take in the beauty around me, and just live life. I think that's all anyone can honestly do. Maybe I sound crazy as all hell right now, but I don't care, I know I didn't watch that movie for no reason. I think there's a lot of hope for me in this life yet, I just had to find it.
It's been a while since I wrote anything here, things have been a little crazy lately I guess. I got my debit card last Tuesday, finally. I had some trouble activating it and had to go to the bank about it, but it all turned out fine. So now everything has the correct name on it. I didn't get anymore trouble with my meds at the pharmacy, so that was a relief. Otherwise I can't really say very much has been going on. It's been long hours of boredom sitting around unable to really do much about my situation. I did stay the night at a friend's house the other night, and the next day I tried pot for the first time. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if I could use it all the time, helped me forget about my problems for a little while at least. But I guess unless hell freezes over and it's ever legalized here, my money is better spent on hormones. The depression lately has been as much from losing my ex as it is about my job situation. He called me one night not too long ago and we talked about a lot of things. He pretty much said that he's still in love with me and wished I would take him back. There's a long story behind it, but I'll spare all the details. Basically we've both admitted that wish we could get back together, but we're scared it's just going to pick up where it left off and be the same old problems. I don't know, I get the feeling that I'm more over him than he is over me though. I don't know what to do about it all. I'm just trying to forget my problems lately in some effort to relax, I'll take care of them a little later.
I went to another doctors appointment Tuesday, everything checked out fine. I had blood taken, the works. It was just a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing after a month since I've had the estrogen increased. There was some new person there helping out who checked my blood pressure and stuff this time. She noticed the scars on my arms and asked if I had a history of cutting myself. I was honest and said I did, and that I hadn't in almost 2 years, she talked to me about it for a bit. Apparently she thinks I should see a therapist. I can't really disagree, I know I need to, but like I told her, I have no job, and no insurance. The only way I can afford to see a therapist is if I find one that works for free. I hide a lot of my feelings from them at the clinic. The people there are great, it's just that I know I'd fuck up my transition if I mentioned that I've been seriously depressed lately. I can't take the chance of them lowering or possibly taking me off the estrogen. I do say that it still happens sometimes, but I say I get over it faster than I do. Life is just getting to me lately. It seems like as soon as one door of opportunity is opened to me it's slammed shut in my face. No one is fucking hiring for jobs here! At least not any that I'm qualified to do. I would try to sell a few things on ebay, but I can't even set up a damn pay pal account until I get my new debit card, which still hasn't come. I was supposed to be getting it this week, if I don't have it by Monday I'm going to the bank and bitching. I just need a change of scenery right now I guess. Not moving around as much as before is getting to me. That's something I miss a lot about being with my ex, going there and not having to be here all the time. Now it seems like I'm right back where I started, and in no better financial situation either. I'm hanging in there though, but it's getting harder all the time.
I don't really bring this subject up that often, but I'm starting to think even more lately that I'm lesbian. I've had my suspicions all along, but I haven't had a girl actually hit on my until lately. I guess it made me rethink my sexuality, at least how exactly I define it. I've gone with pansexual for a while now, just because I could easily make an emotional connection with someone, regardless of gender, when it came to love. Physically it's a different story. I don't know it's from being uncomfortable with my own body or not, but with guys I just can't seem to do much physically, aside from the obvious limitations. I can only go so far with a guy before I get grossed out or nervous. My ex told me all the time he thought I was lesbian when we had physical issues, it's just that now I think he's right. Sometimes I don't even know if I have a sexuality, because it's not like I've done much better with girls in the past. My goal isn't sex when I'm looking for a relationship, it just sometimes seems like I'm asexual. Maybe it's just too soon to worry about what exactly I like in someone else, I definitely have bigger priorities in my life right now. It's just weird I guess. I've always liked girls, which is what caused me most of the issues I had coming to terms with being TG. I've been with more girls than guys in the past anyway. I don't completely know what I like right now, all I know is that I'm about 95% sure I'm lesbian. I'm leaving 5% just for curiosity. All I know is that given the choice between a girl and a guy that were equally attractive physically, I'd go with the girl. So I guess it's safe to say I'm lesbian then. Just some random thoughts for the night.
I have great news for my 100th post, all of my ID records are officially updated with my new name. I went to the bank on Wednesday and got the name on my account changed, and today I went to DMV and and had my ID card updated. I also stopped by the pharmacy on the way to get a refill on some of my meds and had the name changed on that, so everything is officially done with my name change. It at least takes care of all the major things that had to be done, so I'm very happy to get this over with finally. The sex still says M, but right now just having the name done is good enough for me. I'll figure out how to get that changed later. This takes some stress off my shoulders for now at least. It feels good to know that things are still moving forward. I'm happy with where things are going.
I got my estrogen increased to 4mg a day at my check up on Tuesday. I had been on 3 a day for almost a year, so I decided to ask about increasing it again since I wasn't having any problems. So I've been pretty happy about that this week. I got to stay the night at my best friend's house Thursday night, and she modeled for a few pictures for me. We hung out at the mall for a bit the next day, and spent the day together. I had fun, and it helped take my mind off of a lot of things that have been bothering me lately. I got my new social security card in the mail yesterday, so now I can finally go and get my ID changed next week. I just have to see about altering the name on my bank account first and then I can get the rest over with. Things are moving forward a little bit at a time now. I'm still struggling a bit with depression, but it's getting better. I just have to do stuff to take my mind off of things while I wait for transition stuff to happen. I don't really have much to say tonight, I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately for some reason.
It's been a while since I wrote anything here. I've had a lot going on the last couple of weeks. I finally got to have my birth certificate updated last Thursday, but I didn't make it to the social security office to apply for a new card before they closed. My friend took me back this Thursday and I finally got that done, and it didn't cost me anything either. I had to pay 22 for the birth certificate, 10 to alter the record and 12 for the copy. So far I've spent about 74 dollars total on getting my name changed and updating records. I've still got to pay 10 more once I get my ID changed at DMV, so I'm looking at around 84 total in the end. Which is a lot better than I had first estimated. I'm not sure what to do about my school records, if they can alter those or make any kind of note on them. I need to look into that at some point. After all my ID forms are updated all I have left is altering my bank account info, and I'm done with all the big stuff. I'll have to update files at my doctors office, but I'm hoping that I can do that when I go back Tuesday. I had a pretty good experience this past Tuesday night. I was finally able to go back to the club in Norfolk that I like with a friend of mine. Things were going pretty well, I got to see people that I hadn't seen for a while and have a little fun. I was just walking around when this guy stopped me and introduced himself. We started talking and found out we had a lot in common. I could tell he was very attracted to me right from the start by the way he was looking at me, and he even offered to buy me a drink. At one point when were talking we both got a little quiet, and when I looked over at him again he leaned over and kissed me before I realized what was going on. I was very surprised, but I reacted quickly enough that I kissed back and was sitting there thinking wow what just happened? I told him a few minutes later that I'm TG, and he tells me that he's gay, another shock to me. I think that only made him like me more because he tried to kiss me again, I went along with it this time, but he tried to get some tounge in it and I backed off. I told him to slow down a bit that I wasn't ready to go that far yet. We ended up talking for about an hour or so until the club closed and got each others phone numbers. Although I don't think anything is really going to come of it seeing as he's gay and I don't want to keep the part that he likes. He didn't look too bad either, and he was in the Navy. He hasn't called yet, but it doesn't bug me that much since I know I can't give him what he wants. It just gave me a real confidence boost to have someone hit on me for a night and think that I'm attractive. I've also been trying to further my potential photography career. Since the weather has gotten better I've been going out and getting more pictures, and I also decided to start a website to put some of my best work on. It's not much just yet, but it's a start. I can at least have a web address to give a potential employer who wants to see my work. The job market sucks as badly as ever, so I have no clue where things are going with moving. I'm trying not to lose hope though. I've been battling bouts of depression lately, so that's been a little hard to do. That's why my posting kind of dropped off for a while. I'm going to try to keep up with things here though.
My moving plan fell apart earlier today. I talked to my friend who was offering me the room after I hadn't heard from him for almost 2 weeks, then I find out that he's moved. The new place has a room for rent, but it's 400 a month, twice as much as the first offer. It's also in a really bad part of town too. So once again I'm let down when I trusted someone who said they wanted to help me. I was very sick most of last week, so this is a perfect ending to that. I have an offer from another friend who's moving to the same area, and I'm hoping it will only cost me two to three hundred a month if we can find a cheap place. I just hate having to go with this option because I have to find a job before I can move if I go with her. I'm going to have a lot less help and I'll have to get someone to co sign on a lease for me since I have no credit history right now. It just complicates things a lot more, so I have no clue whats going to happen right now. I've been crying on and off for the last few hours over it. It's just the last thing I needed to hear right now. I'm feeling kind of hopeless at the moment, but I've at least got some hope that things might eventually work out for the best.
My name is now officially legal! I got order in the mail today, and as soon as I saw it was addressed to Sage F. Cox I knew it had gone through. I don't normally use my last name online but I had to this time just to capture the moment. They sent me 5 copies of the order, which I thought I was going to have to pay for extras, but I guess not. That was about the same number I had planned on getting anyway, so this is great, I save a little money. All I have to do now is get my ass to Richmond to get my birth certificate and social security card updated. Apparently the order was signed on the 23rd of last month. So I'm a little pissed off that it took them 2 weeks from the time it was legalized to get it to me. It was post marked yesterday, so they never bothered to send it out until now. Luckily, my friend that can give me a ride for all of this gets her license back in a week, so I should be able to get stuff done on time. I'm just happy to have the tense waiting around to find out what happened part behind me. This definitely helped to bring me out of my down mood I've been in the last couple of weeks. I'm slowly getting over losing my boyfriend, it's not easy, I was with him for almost a year. Right now I just want to try to move on with my life. I've been using art as a way to take out my frustrations and worries the last week or so, it's been fairly productive. If I'm going to feel like crap the least I can do is put those feelings to good use. I really do miss him though, but I'm tired of trying to hold on to someone who doesn't love me anymore. I've got a lot of plans for my life that I need to make happen. As soon as I get the stuff with my name change straightened out and I get the money my mom promised me, I can move in with my friend and hopefully try to get out on my own. Once I'm able to do that and hold down a steady job I can finally start moving my transition forward a little faster. The hardest times definitely aren't behind me yet, maybe that's why I'm recovering from this break up so soon. I know living out there in the world and supporting myself is going to bring on a whole new set of worries and problems. For now I'm just trying to enjoy the moment of having my name finally legalized. I'll start worrying about getting things done tomorrow.
I'm still an emotional wreck today, but I feel good enough to write a bit more. As bad as it hurt yesterday, it almost seems like it hurts more today for some reason. I guess the realization that it really is over is setting in. I've got a million things coming at me all at once right now, and it's stressing the hell out of me. I've got the pain from my boyfriend leaving me, nervousness about whether or not my name change is accepted, money issues, and my friend trying to convince me to move in as soon as possible. I don't really know what to do right now, I'm trying to make all of these decisions and I'm breaking down crying at least once every hour or 2. I really just need some time to recover from losing him before I try to make too many big decisions about where I'm going to take my life. I don't guess it was so much him specifically holding me back, I let him hold me back. I kept saying how I was going to put my transition first, and then I put him and the relationship first most of the time. I don't regret being with him, because it gave me the chance to semi get out on my own. It wasn't like I was really supporting myself, but it got me out into the world, helped me meet people and make new friends. I'm so much more outgoing now than I was this time last year, and I know it's becasue I was there. It's one of those cases of it was nice while it lasted, but I have to move on sometime. I'm not sure where life is going to take me right now, it's like I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet or something. It honestly scares me for things to be this uncertain, but I guess life is going to take me to the places I need to be, not necessarily the places I want to be. It sucks, it really does, but I know I have to pick myself up and move on. Life isn't going to stop for me, so I have to take some time and get over this, and start moving my life forward. My friend is telling me not to worry too much about the money for now, and that they just want to help me get out on my own. It's just weird having someone actually trying to help me get out on my own. No one in my family wants to help, all my grandparents do is bitch about the things I should have done. They don't seem to get it that I can't change the decisions I made 4 or 5 years ago, I can only make what I believe to be the best ones for me right now and hope that they are. The past is the past, I can't change it, but I sure as hell can do something to change my future. I don't really know where all of this going to take me, it's kind of a bittersweet ending to one part of my life and the begining of another. I just have to trust my instincts right now, because they're screaming for me to move forward.
Well sadly I'm single now, my boyfriend left me this afternoon. It wasn't even an argument or anything, we just both ended up agreeing that we're better off this way. Mostly because I'm tired of trying to keep him from leaving me. It still hurts like hell, I didn't want it to end, but I know it's for the best. I'm crying just writing this, but I know I have to move on. I've got moving in with my friend in Richmond to look forward to. I really hate to say this, but I know it's true, he was holding me back. I knew the move would probably break us up, because it's going to put me even farther from him, but I have to do it. I have to for the sake of my own happiness and my transition. I was ready for him to leave me once I did that, it just came sooner than I was expecting. I guess I get what I'm supposed to have in life, not always what I want. There really isn't much else for me to write for now, so that's it.
I've just been made an offer to be roomates with another TG person today. She lives in the city that I've wanted to move to so I can be closer to my clinic, and she actually goes there too. She lives in a house with 2 other roommates, who are actually very supportive of TG people. She said they have an extra room, kind of small but definately big enough to put a bed and some other stuff in so I have a place to sleep at night. She still needs to talk with her roommates about it, but she said they would only ask for 150 bucks a month for me to have the room. It's perfect; the city I want, the people I want to be around, jobs and places to go within walking distance, and I have the money to move in right now. The only problem is, I would actually be moving farther away from my boyfriend. I know if he wasn't able to see me much he might leave me, and I don't know what to do. I tried coming up with my own idea to make money, being a professional dominatrix (yes I'm into that stuff), and he shot it down. My aunt is having financial problems, so I can't get any work with her, so I'm out of options in my current situation to make money. My mom is getting a $5,000 dollar inheritance from a recently deceased relative, and she's going to give me 300 of it to help me make the first 2 months rent so I can try to move in and look for a job. I just have such a bad feeling that I'm going to lose Richard if I do this. This is the best chance I've ever gotten to get out on my own, and I may have to lose him to do it. I don't know what I'm going to do, all I know is I can't let this go if it all works out like I'm hoping. I may never get another opportunity to live somewhere for so cheap, and with another TG person at that. I'm really torn right now, me and Richard have been having a lot of problems still, and I don't know if we will last or not. I'm scared of missing out on something either way I go, but honestly moving out on my own seems to be overwhelmingly calling. I hope I don't have to lose him to do it, and even though it will hurt if I do, I guess I understand. I'm not letting this go too easily, I have to see where it takes me. I'm nervous and scared as hell, but I have to do it sometime, I cant live at home forever. I just hope I'm making the right choice.
I've never been one to watch a lot of reality TV, but when I heard that a trans woman is on the MTV series The Real World I had to check it out. I'm not sure what exactly I was expecting. Maybe someone who had transitioned pretty young and was passable as hell. But I have to say it's surprised me since I started watching. She's very pretty, although at the same time if you're really looking for it you can tell she's TG. She was actually post op for only a couple months before she went on the show. She's really a very good representation of what your average transperson is like to me. She's a gaming and computer geek, she's a black belt in karate, and she's in love with a guy who accepts her as she is. To me she's like one of the best TG people they could have picked to put on there. She's into doing TG activism and is open about herself, and telling parts of her story on TV. She's one of the first trans people that I know of to be on such a mainstream show. That in it'self is great, but she's also portraying the TG community as a whole to be just like anyone else who isn't. Aside from everything she's been through just to be the woman she always knew she was, she's not very different than any non TG person. I wish we hadd more people like her on TV, because I've seen all the good comments people have left her on the MTV site. I don't normally do commentary on stuff like this, but it's been a real inspiration to me lately. I think it should be to all TG people. She's got the courage to go on mainstream TV and tell the world she's TS, that takes some serious guts. It gives me the inspiration to keep going with my dreams, and be as active as possible in activism. I have to be the change I want to see don't I?
I finally got the background check in the mail this morning. I went and made copies of everything I needed to, and went straight to the courthouse and filed it. So all of my paperwork is done and in the system waiting to be approved. I feel accomplished today, I've finally got the first part of this over with. Now all I can do is wait and hope that I hear from the court soon. I don't have to set a court date or anything, so it looks like I won't have to go in front of the judge. I just wait for something to come in the mail for me I guess. All they told me was they would get in touch with me after he reviews it and that it should go through without any trouble. So the wheels of justice are slowly starting to turn for me. It feels good to get this out of the way, I'm getting my transition back on track. I want to have a job and be working on saving up for surgery and getting electrolysis or laser removal by the end of the year. It's a lot to get done, but I'm going to make it happen. I'm not sure how much of a strain that's going to put on my relationship though. I've spent 2 weeks away from him to be here waiting on that background check in the mail, and it's put plenty of strain on things already. I don't know how I'm going to be able to see him very often if I get a job here close to home. I'll have to get one near him, which means I'll have to move. I just have no clue how I'm going to do that yet, but I guess I'll worry about that once I have everything with my name sorted out. I don't know what this is going to do to my relationship, I really do hope it lasts and I want it to, but I guess I should also be ready for it to possibly break us up. I guess all of this is kind of bitter sweet in a way. It makes me so happy to be getting things done, but it really hurts when it interfers with my love life. Oh well, overall I'm happy, and that's what counts the most.
Well I'm still waiting for that background check to come back in the mail. It's been about a week so far, so I hope it gets here soon. Although at the same time, getting everything started with my name change has made me feel some mixed emotions. On one hand I couldn't be more happy and excited to finally be getting it done, but on the other it feels almost like I'm taking the last step to erasing who I used to be. I know that my past has made me who I am today, I don't think changing my name is going to make it all go away or anything. I guess it seems more symbolic than anything. As if changing my name finally completes the first part of my transition. It's a weird feeling, I want it done, but for some reason I feel this hint of sadness. I guess that's normal, it's not like it's enough to make me change my mind. I almost feel like I'm starting a new phase of transition, which I guess in a way I am. It just makes me very reflective on everything. It makes me re-evaluate my entire transition, and stop and think am I ready for this. Aside from starting hormones, this is one of the biggest steps I've taken so far. The waiting is just the worst part, it gives me too much time to imagine everything that could go wrong. It's just a matter of keeping my mind occupied until everything goes through.
My grandparents really know how to piss me off. Me and my best friend got these fake piercings yesterday just to be silly and see how real they looked. We had fun with them, and I actually liked how it looked. So I wore it on my lip again today, mostly because I'm considering getting a real piercing there and I want to see annoying it can get. My grandma finally noticed it after about half the day. I was talking to her about something completely different and she looked at me with her mouth hanging open for like a minute. I had completely forgotten I had it on and was just standing asking her what's wrong. She thought it was real and freaked out on me, and when I told her it was fake she told me I better take it off. I didn't, but then she goes on to tell me to take all my posters off the wall because she's embarassed to have anyone over because of what they might say about it. Then threatened to cut off my internet and cable, and said that when I go back to VA Beach I should stay there. She also decided to take shots at my transition and religion in there too. So once again I'm not good enough for her. Half the stuff on my walls are copies of famous artwork that I've cut out of magazines. The rest is mostly music and band related posters and magazine pictures, vinyl albums, and a few pagan related posters thrown in there. The worst thing I've got up there is a rainbow stripped post card that says "straight? so's spaghetti until you heat it up!". So I have no idea what's so horribly bad about any of it. Oh well, at least that's just the worst of my problems for now.
I thought this was worth writing about, because I finally have some very good help with things. I found out Monday that my boyfriend's dad's fiance is a public notary, and she works in a legal office. So she volunteered to sign everything for me and check it over to see that I had done it right. She even offered to write up the letter for me. She got all the numbers from the papers and checked them out online to see what she could do, and the damn application is out of date. That's right, the courthouse in my county gave me an outdated name change application. I mean what the fuck! It's supposed to be their job to keep that stuff up to date and tell me what exactly I'm supposed to do for it when I ask. I also found out that I had to fill the application itself out at the clerks office so they could see me do it. That was another little piece of helpful info they left out. The instructions I got said bring everything back completed. How much more vague can you get? So she's printed out the updated one for me, and is writing the letter, and should be here anytime with it. It's like having a lawyer I don't have to pay for, and I'm so glad that she's helping me. Apparently I was completely lost before, thanks to the county clerks. I definitely would have been rejected filing outdated forms. I don't know what they're doing at the courthouse in my county, but someone needs to pay attention and do their job. Oh well, at the very least I know I'm doing things right now, and I've got someone helping me who knows the law. Hopefully this will turn out well after all, I really need it to.
I'm a little frustrated with the name change change right now, at least after I found out I usually have to pay to get something noterized. I have to have every single document that's a part of this noterized. A 5 dollar fee here and there isn't much, but it adds up after a while. I've got plenty saved up to pay for this all, I just hate it when little fees like that pop out of the woodwork to surprise you. I've spent most of the week just trying to decipher it all. The woman in the clerks office tried to explain how to fill everything out to me, but that was all verbal. It was a good 5 minutes of talking, so it's a lot to memerize at once. And the instruction sheet that came with it is the most vague sounding instructions I've ever read. It just lists every document and tells me to bring it back completed. I really need to get either my aunt or my friend to help me figure it all out. Unless there's anyone online that's good at deciphering legal documents that is willing to help me out. On a more upbeat note, I got to go out to Chilis last night to celebrate a friends birthday. I was tempted to buy a drink, but the one I wanted was like 8 bucks. I just waited until we got back to their place to keep celebrating and had a smirnoff ice. I wanted a apple martini, but that did in it's place. I only had that and a shot of aftershock, so I was responsible this time and limited myself. I was tempted to go overboard, there was a whole cabinet of hard liquer, but I told myself no. So I'm well on my way to keeping my drinking under control now. I don't want or need a repeat of new years. That scared the hell out of me, and then reading the Heroin Diaries the week after shocked me into doing something with my life again. So no matter how frustrating all of this gets, I'm sticking with it.
I finally got my ID updated today. I went to DMV this morning and got a new one, so now I can concentrate on getting the paperwork for the name change done. The only part of it that really scares me is that I have to write a letter stating why I want it changed. I considered telling exactly why, but the way people are in this county I'm thinking I better just give the classic I'm not happy with my name. I have a friend who knows a lot about legal stuff, so she's going to help me write it, with no mention of me being TG. I'm going through all the proper channels for this stuff, but I honestly don't trust the judges around here to give me an unbias opinion. The area is full of baptist, and Methodist churches and, republican conservative rednecks, so I'll take my chances by just telling the partial truth. Hopefully I'll have moved out of this area by the time I need to get my sex legally changed. I can only imagine the fiasco that would cause around here. It would probably be the first time they'd have ever done it in this county. Oh well, luckily the name I picked is fairly androgynous, so I'm hoping it won't raise too many eyebrows at the courthouse. I'll probably take a couple weeks to get everything filled out anyway, just to make sure I get it right, and so I can have people who know more about the legal system than me look it all over. I want to get this right the first time around, 52 bucks is a lot to blow on a rejection, so I need to word everything very carefully. I'm sure it will probably get looked at more closely than most other name changes since I'm changing the first and middle but not the last. Most of them that happen around here I'm sure just last names from marriage. I've at least got the wheels turning on this, so I feel at least somewhat accomplished. The sooner I can get all this legal stuff out of the way the sooner I can get started on more of the physical changes I want to make. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years learning how to love myself, now I have to make the dreams I have come true. This makes me think of something I wrote in one of my journals back when I first got started with everything. "I want to be the best woman I can be, and to be happy with myself. I've got a new life coming, hard though it may be, I still want it." I guess now is one of those times where I really have to be persistant, and ride it out until the end. My life has gotten more complicated in the 2 years since I wrote that, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm getting my fresh start, and this time I'm not going to waste time in self pitty.
My name is Sage, and I'm just a young trans-woman trying to get by in this world. I started this blog to write about my life and what goes on in it, and to talk about whatever I feel applies to it at times. Keep reading if it interests you. I plan to update as frequently as possible. If you send me friend requests on any of my sites, please send a message and mention my blog in it so I don't accidentally ignore it.
Donate to my transition fund if you're feeling generous.
My transgender group on vampire freaks.
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