It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


I swear I'm never smoking again. I never let it get too bad, no more than once or twice a week, but now I think it's made me sick. My mom asked for a cigarette Friday and I ended up having one with her. Well when I went to light it up I thought it wasn't burning enough, so I breathed in a little deeper and smoke went like half way down my throat. I caughed a bit, but I didn't think much of it until after I got home. That's never happened to me before, but a few hours after I got home my throat started getting kind of scratchy. I didn't think it was going to get too bad, but by the time I went to bad that night I was in so much pain I could barley sleep. It's still hurting, although it is slightly better. The glands in my neck are a little swollen and sore, but I have no fever or anything else. So I can only assume that the smoke irritated it some way or another. I don't know, I can't afford to see a regular doctor for this and I don't want my grandparents to pay for it. They'll hold it over me just like they did with my trip to the emergency room over the summer. I've been taking everything I can to get better, it pays to know some herbology. I can't believe this, I'm probably going to be sick for my birthday. The first time I've ever planned anything special for it and I get sick. I'm giving up smoking before it gets worse than this. I'm falling back into too many of my old habits, and I don't like it. It's fun going out and partying, smoking and getting drunk, but if I keep it up it's going to kill me. If nothing else it could throw my HRT off, I'm not supposed to be smoking, and I'm only supposed to drink a little. My doctor would be disappointed with me if I told her all this. I don't want my dosages reduced or anything, so I have to cut this shit out. I'm already on blood pressure meds, the last thing I need is to start smoking. I'm letting myself get addicted, and that's not what I want. I'm craving a cigarette just sitting here now being miserable with my sore throat that I got from one. My relationship problems drove me into a lot this. Although, now that situation is getting better, but the bad habits I picked up during it aren't. I'm sick of letting addictions come into my life like this. I've got to stop, I'd almost rather go back to the cutting than screw myself over with cigarettes in the long run. But I can't go back to that either. I've made it a year and a half without intentionally cutting myself, and I plan to keep it that way. I swear I'm giving them up, no matter how hard I have to try.


Evelien said...

Hey Sage,

yes, be strong! They will make you stop smoking before you can get an SRS anyway. And that is a difficult moment to stop, believe me. It is much better to get smoking out of the way first.
Making progress with my transition has helped me a lot in getting rid of my addictions, from nail-biting up to and including taking drugs. But smoking is the worst! The sooner you stop the better it is. And it will not become easier if you postpone it, it just gets harder and harder...


Anonymous T said...

Don't let them drag you down and make you fall.

Your boyfriend. Your grandparents. Your friends and family. And especially your old you.

You can do this. You can become new. Fight for it.