It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Another Year Gone By

Well it looks like another year of my life has gone by, another one that I thought I would never see. I can't say it was bad though, in fact it's been one of the best years of my life. I've had so many firsts this year I don't know if I can even name them all. My first boyfriend, first time in public as a girl, first christmas as a girl, the list keeps going. It's been a real year of progress for me, and all it seems like I've been doing again lately is dwelling on the stuff I haven't done. There's still a long way to go for me, and I should be proud of everything I've accomplished this year. It's probably been the most productive year of my life. It certainly has been the most exciting. I have an actual social life now, something I couldn't say in past years. I've changed so much this year, it's amazing even to me just how much I've come out of my shell, so to speak, in just the last year. I started out this year pretty much the same as all the others, at least for the first few months of it. Then when me and my boyfriend got together it was like things changed so fast. Even if we have been, and still are, having some problems, I don't regret it. Coming and staying with him pretty far from home has given me the chance to do so much. I've met lots of new people, made new friends, and become so much more outgoing. Just sitting here thinking about it makes me happy. So I can honestly say I'm happy with this year. I only hope next year is just as incredible.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

What A Night

Well it's safe to say that I made up for my birthday last night. One of our friends picked me and Richard up to go to a party at another one of our friend's house. It wasn't really a party though, more like 5 people getting together and drinking all night. We hit a deer on the way to her house, before we had any alcohol. The funny thing is it really didn't fuck the car up beyond beding the hood, at least we thought so at the time. We never even stopped moving and it was like he just bounced off of us or something. But we made it to the party safely. I only had one drink and a few sips of vodka on my birthday, sitting alone at home, but I sure had fun this time. I ended up having 2 vodka shots, a margarita, a white russian, a red russian, and a tequilla shot. I think that's the most I've ever drank in one sitting. I was definately drunk, but I could still stand up and walk around, all be it a bit wobbly though. It was pretty fun, we played a nightmare before christmas board game, which was even more fun while drunk. It was mostly just something to do to give us a reason to drink. I passed out on Richard by the time we finally crashed and went to bed. We got a guest room, so once he got in the bed I just fell over on him and woke up a few hours later still wearing my coat and shoes. I didn't have a hang over when I got up this morning, but I sure felt like I should have. We got like 10 minutes down the road to go back home and the car starts over heating. So we had to stop and go all the way to our friends house which was like 5 minutes away. It took us like half an hour to get there stopping every few minutes. We just hung out there and asked his parents to come pick us up. His step dad looked at the car and saw that the radiator had a crack in it, so the deer did more damage than we thought. But everything worked out fine, we made it home ok. It was still worth it, because I wasn't very close with the two people we hung out with, and I found out they don't live far from me. So we may get to hang out more now. Anyway I'm tired as hell, so I'm going to go take a nap.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

Well it's the night of my birthday, it was the 23rd, but it is after midnight now. It didn't turn out all that bad I guess, could have been better. It started out pretty shitty, Richard calls and says if I don't make it down for my birthday then I have to spend Christmas with him. So we got into an argument over that, where I point out that I didn't plan on getting sick for 3 days, and I had already told him a month ago I was spending it with my family. Then he's telling me he's just going to leave me becasue if we don't have time together to fix things before new years it's too late to do anything about it. After a while of arguing I give in and say I'll come down there tomorrow. Then he asks me if he can make it up to me some way, and I say cigarettes and vodka. Like I need large amounts of either right now. It's just what dealing with shit like that from him has driven me to. Anyway, my dad showed up with braty little brothers as that tear filled conversation was going on, so I had to deal with banging on my door for half of it. Then they get to drive me nuts for a while until my mom called and I asked her to take me into town to buy a bottle of vodka. As I was getting myself ready he calls me back and says that now I can wait until christmas afternoon to come so I can spend time with my family. It made me happy, but at the same time if he can't me a ride for that day I'm just going tomorrow and saying to hell with what my family thinks. All of this for him, after I specifically said I wanted to stay home to help ease some of the tension with my family. So my mom got me and took me out for a while, got me some alcohol, and I made a couple drinks tonight, but nothing much. I got a small buzz that was about it. Not exactly what I had planned for today, there was way more drama than I liked. I have no clue where I'm spending Christmas now. I want to spend it with my family to show them that I actually still care about them, but he made such a big deal about spending with him that I'm just going there if he gets a ride. Relationships are a bitch sometimes. I guess things could have been worse, I'm alive, so I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


I swear I'm never smoking again. I never let it get too bad, no more than once or twice a week, but now I think it's made me sick. My mom asked for a cigarette Friday and I ended up having one with her. Well when I went to light it up I thought it wasn't burning enough, so I breathed in a little deeper and smoke went like half way down my throat. I caughed a bit, but I didn't think much of it until after I got home. That's never happened to me before, but a few hours after I got home my throat started getting kind of scratchy. I didn't think it was going to get too bad, but by the time I went to bad that night I was in so much pain I could barley sleep. It's still hurting, although it is slightly better. The glands in my neck are a little swollen and sore, but I have no fever or anything else. So I can only assume that the smoke irritated it some way or another. I don't know, I can't afford to see a regular doctor for this and I don't want my grandparents to pay for it. They'll hold it over me just like they did with my trip to the emergency room over the summer. I've been taking everything I can to get better, it pays to know some herbology. I can't believe this, I'm probably going to be sick for my birthday. The first time I've ever planned anything special for it and I get sick. I'm giving up smoking before it gets worse than this. I'm falling back into too many of my old habits, and I don't like it. It's fun going out and partying, smoking and getting drunk, but if I keep it up it's going to kill me. If nothing else it could throw my HRT off, I'm not supposed to be smoking, and I'm only supposed to drink a little. My doctor would be disappointed with me if I told her all this. I don't want my dosages reduced or anything, so I have to cut this shit out. I'm already on blood pressure meds, the last thing I need is to start smoking. I'm letting myself get addicted, and that's not what I want. I'm craving a cigarette just sitting here now being miserable with my sore throat that I got from one. My relationship problems drove me into a lot this. Although, now that situation is getting better, but the bad habits I picked up during it aren't. I'm sick of letting addictions come into my life like this. I've got to stop, I'd almost rather go back to the cutting than screw myself over with cigarettes in the long run. But I can't go back to that either. I've made it a year and a half without intentionally cutting myself, and I plan to keep it that way. I swear I'm giving them up, no matter how hard I have to try.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Very Good Day

Things actually went very well with my mom today. She took me and my brother to a mall near hear, and everything went alright. I was correcting her most of the way when she called me he, and she actually did use the right pro nouns when I did that. That was surprising alone, but I thought she was just doing it to humor me or something. We didn't really get the chance to stay out very long, or for me and her to try and talk out our differences. But, on the way back my brother wanted to stop at McDonalds to get something to eat. I told him to take a while before he went in since he saw some of his friends there, hoping that it would give me some time to talk with my mom alone. We sat there and talked about everything that had been going on, and tried to come to some understanding about the whole situation. Some woman tried to get her attention while we were talking, who thought she was having this really emotional conversation with herself or something. Then she saw me in the back seat and was like oh I didn't see the guy in the back seat. I just looked away like keeping my mouth shut hoping she would go away. Then she she says it again while she was apologizing, and my mom just like oh that's my daughter. I just sat there speechless for a second, thinking did I hear what I thought I just did. Then she lookes over at me and smiles, and it sinks in and I was just like thank you. That's the first time she's ever called me her daughter, and it just meant so much more because she told someone else. That made me realize that she really had accepted me. I'm smiling as I write this, because that just made my entire month. She's still refusing to call me Sage until I get my name changed legally, but she at least promised me she wouldn't use it while I'm around or in public. I'm accepting that for now since it's obvious she's at least trying now. This was probably one of the best Christmas presents that I could ever get. I've been waiting 2 years to hear her say that.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

She Apologized

I sent a text to my mom yesterday apologizing for everything again, and she actually apologized to me too. She says she wants to talk things out when we see each other again, which should be tomorrow actually. I'm kind of looking forward to it, I hope it all goes well. I hope more than anything we can come to some kind of an understanding with everything. My boyfriend also told me a few days ago that he's going to try to make things better with us. That makes me pretty hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen with either right now. All I can do is keep hoping that it will all turn out alright.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Talked to My Mom

I finally got a call through to my mom today, only I'm starting to wish I hadn't. I called the house phone for once and she just happened to be there, I think if it wasn't for that she wouldn't have talked to me. I asked her why she hadn't got back to me or anything, and she told me it was because of something I said in a text back in September that pissed her off. If it's the one I'm thinking of I guess I can't really blame her. I sent one that said fuck you to her with some other stuff about not caring about me, but only because I called her nearly every day for 2 weeks and left several messages, and she never called me back. I did tell her I was sorry, even though I still feel like she had it coming for ignoring my calls. I can't believe she's being this petty over a text. The least she could have done was call me and let me know she was pissed. Instead she apparently told someone else who told my grandma, and then when I got home the other day she tells me she heard that I had told my mom off. I had no clue what anyone was talking about, and she wouldn't tell me who she heard it from. So apparently I'm the last person to know that my mom is pissed at me, which really doesn't make me any happier. She had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go somewhere with her Saturday, I told her I might go if I'm still home, but I don't know. I'm not sure I can deal with her, or if she can deal with me. I don't know what to do right now about all of this. I had hoped that talking to her again would help, but it hasn't. She only talked to me for like 10 minutes, after 3 months of not speaking to me at all. I hung the phone up and started crying. I wish I knew where this was going.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Relationship Troubles

I don't normally write about the problems between me and my boyfriend, but it's gotten to the point where he's the cause of a lot of my problems. It just seems like what we had in the begining is gone now. It's been 9 months, and for at least the last 4, things have just been going downhill. He was the first person period, I ever had sex with, and despite having done it 4 times, I've never gotten that into it. For some reason sex is hard for me. It's the same with girls, I should know, I dated a few in my time. Nothing ever came of those relationships though. I liked the idea of sex, but now it's like what's the big deal? It physically hurts for me to do, and I can't take it very long. Unfortunately it's causing problems with me and him. He doesn't understand how I feel, and spending less and less time with me. Im sitting here writing this right behind him, while he's on the other computer playing the game that he played for 6 hours earlier. I'm getting to the point now where I can't stnd a lot of the shit I'm getting from him. I keep trying to beg him to do things with me, spend more time with me, and help me out, but he won't. It's getting on my nerves, and it makes me feel like I'm the one doing everything wrong. He can't even take a damn shower every day. He's too distracted by this game to even notice that I'm pissed. I've tried talking to him about this, I've tried just about every suggestion that 10 or more people have made to me with him, and nothing seems to work. I don't know if this relationship is going to last past new years. I'm trying as hard as I can to work out these problems, and he won't do a thing. So I'm just tired of being the only one trying. He's holding me back from doing a lot of the stuff I want to do. He has no job, and barley tries as it is to even get one. He makes promises that he doesn't keep, and gets upset over some of the stupidest things. I don't know if I can take it much longer, I love him to death, but he's like dead weight to me a lot of the time. Anyway, I don't care if he sees this, he never looks at what I write anyway. So that's really all that's going on right now.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Well I was finally able to get another appointment this morning. No one bothered to call me back yesterday, so I called at 10:30. I actually got someone on the phone the first try. The only problem was I couldn't get one before the 6th of January! Which is exactly why I was so stressed out about not missing the one I had, and getting one as soon as possible. I knew they would be booked up this month, especially since they're closed the last 2 weeks of the month. Luckily I have enough extra estrogen to make what I have last until then. My friend said she can take me then, I'm hoping nothing else comes up. This time I'm asking as many people as possible if they can be back up for me, just in case. I'm at least calmer now. I just really hate missing that appointment, I was supposed to have my 6 month blood work done. I feel better at least knowing that I've got another appointment. I'm not looking forward to the next month, but I'll live. Anyway, I don't really have much else to say right now.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bad Days

I'm just fed up with people lately. I've had the worst last 2 days. First my friend tells me that she can't take me to my appointment yesterday morning, which was supposed to be today. So I've been scrambling ever since to find someone who can take me, but no luck. So I'm having to call to no end, because it's a free clinic, to ever get in touch with anyone about moving my appointment to next week. I've made 2 calls already and left a voice mail, and I've gotten nothing back. If I miss an appointment without letting them know about it I can be suspended from service for a year. So I have real incentive to get in touch with someone. My nerves are shot to pieces today from this. The second thing was that I found out my friend who was going to buy me a tattoo, and take me to a party for my birthday just lost her job. So now that means all of those plans probably won't happen, and she won't be able to give me rides to my boyfriend's as often. So that just sucked for everyone. Then I find out that the guy who brought me home from there last time doesn't want to do it again, becasue he thinks I was scared of him the whole way. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before, so I wasn't very talkative. On top of all that me and my boyfriend are having issues again, which I hope can be fixed. I'm not asking if things could get worse, I know they could, so I'm just going to hope for the best right now. I'm just pretty depressed and stressed out at the moment, also a little pissed off at people. I hate it when stuff like this happens. I just want the day to be over and everything to turn out fine.