It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Miss My Mom

I haven't so much as spoken to her in about 2 months. I've tried calling, but she never picks up, or never calls me back. She only lives maybe a mile from me, but yet she can't even pick up a phone or stop by and see me once in 2 months. Well actually it's been more like 4 or 5 months since I've seen her in person. It just seems like every time we talk there's an argument. She got to meet my boyfriend and the whole time she was using my guy name pronouns. It was humiliating because his friend was there too. They both know about me, but it was embarassing still. It hurts sometimes to know that she doesn't accept me. It hurts even more when she doesn't even seem to give a damn about me. I wonder if she even cares. She of all people I wanted to accept me, and I thought for so long that she had. But once it was obvious I wasn't going to turn back, she rejected me. She supported me when she thought I would grow out of being TG, she treated it like it was just a joke. She still does. My boyfriend's family cares more about me than my own most of the time. They care if I'm happy or not, my family just checks every now and then to make sure I'm alive. My grandparents are doing better, but that's about it. Silence hurts just as much as hateful comments sometimes. In fact it hurts even more, because at least when I'm being insulted they're speaking to me. When they're not, it just shows indifference. But this is about my mom, not the rest of my family. I do have to give them credit for trying though. I just wish my mom would too.


Shauna Baggtt said...

I will give you a piece of advice that has helped me understand how people think. My father who is old school and who has called me sis since I was 5, when he found out he ignored me. I took a little over a year and he finally surprised me four days ago announced to my stepmom, She is here. It may have been in jest or finally he acknowledge me but he made me happy. It took time and you know what I have time for him.

Give it time hun, sometimes it happens quick sometimes it drags by but always remember you are always her baby.

indigojester said...

Why is it so hard for people to accept other people just the way they are, or if not accept, just put up with their choices? I will never understand and never find out. I cannot say I understand exactly how you feel, it must be heaps different than my issues, but if it helps you, you should know that very few parents actually encourage their children's decisions on any level. You have to fight for every bit of space that you get, have to put up with indifference or even insults and treats and physical punishment. But this means that in the end you will be absolutely certain why you did the things you did, why you made the choices you made and how this makes you the kind of person you are. Honestly, I understand missing your mom, but try to think of her in this light: people are always afraid of that which they don't understand. Perhaps she doesn't know how to deal with this although she does care. Perhaps she blames herself for the fact things turned out this way, thinking she did something wrong. You can never understand what is going on inside people's heads. And also consider it this way: if sometimes it is so hard for you yourself to go through the changes, although you know it FEELS right, just imagine how difficult it is for an outsider to understand...

Bruninho Psycho Angel said...

Well, after seeing you in my good friend, Indigo Jester followers and I just read this entry, I must confess... Anyway, you're right, sometimes silence hurts more than words themselves. But I guess it's even harder when you ain't came out from your closet, cause you're in risk to turn out a skeleton inside of it.

Look at me, a 21 years old gay male, that came out to everyone, but to his own mother. I am just too scared of what she'll say, of what she'll think. I am too afraid of what she'll feel and, in the end, I am, perhaps, scared of what I will feel when she's find out!
The feeling of missing your mother is maybe the natural missing feeling of any human being who have had a "normal" or good relationship to his/her parents and suddendly, evrything crashes down. Maybe that's the goal! Maybe that's something you have the lack of, the hug of a mother!

Sorry for invasion, but I feel i NEEDED to write this!


S said...

Open your arms for a virtual hug...i live in the middle of nowhere rural ass virginia too, and being a TG person is hard in rural America...another big bear hug

OPANG said...

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