It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Encouraging Myself

I guess I could use some encouragement right now, most of all from myself. I've gotten back into the habit of putting myself down when stuff doesn't work out the way I expected it to for me. It's a bad habit I've had for a long time. I was getting pretty good at being my own encouragement for a while, it's just getting harder lately. That's not to say I've given up, I've just gotten too pessamistic about everything. I'm expecting too much to go wrong, and I can tell it's having an effect on me. So last night I decided to sit down and write something good about myself, just to try and comfort myself as much as possible. Here it is.

"Sometimes I love being TS so much. Don't get me wrong, it's no walk in the park, but I just love what hormones are doing to me. It's amazing sometimes just to look at my own body and see how it's changed. How much softer my skin is, and just how much more feminine I feel, is just awesome. I can't think of anything better to describe it. It all feels so right. I can't help but feel so grateful for just being able to do this. My body isn't perfect, and I never really expect it to be. All I want is satisfaction with it. Each day I stay on this path, the closer to that satisfaction I find myself. Just having the ability to do this is awe inspiring to me still, despite having been on hormones for nearly a year and a half. I have my bad days and my good ones, but overall, I wouldn't do things any differently if I had the chance. In fact doing it sooner is the one thing that I would change. It's an experience I almost feel blessed to go through at times, and other cursed. However, I am happy, more than I have ever been in my life."

Needless to say that made me feel better afterwards. It's tough to keep going with transition sometimes, especially when things get frustrating. I guess with thanksgiving and everything coming up it really made me think just how much I do have to be thankful for, in spite of all the shit I have to go through at times. I realized that I needed to think more of the things going right in my life instead of dwelling on the bad. It made me see just much the good outweighed the bad. That really helped to pull me out of the depression I was going back into. My biggest feeling right now though, is that I will not give up. I'm tempted so many times to just stop all of this, but I realize that's just fear and frustration. I know deep down inside this is what I want to do, and I swear I will make it all happen. From name change to SRS, I will do it, because it's my dream.


Lori D said...

I know that feeling about it all just being "so right." That's all the validation I need to know that I was running from this all my life. Keep encouraging yourself. And be encouraged by others who support you. We all need all the help we can get.

Anonymous said...

I think it's great that you feel so right with everything. Encouragement is all around if ever you feel the need. YOu are very strong and wonderful.

Shinigami Liz said...

Wow, that is sooo much better than the hate list I did recently. Granted a lot of my 'hates' were actually good things like hating to see people get hurt but it was a very angry list regardless. Good job on doing a positive one. :)