Sunday, November 2, 2008
I'm doing a lot better than I was before. I haven't touched a single drop of alcohol since. Almost a week now. I actually started taking tylenol and a mix of pain killers every day for a bit, but that only lasted a few days and I managed to stop that too. I don't know what's been going lately why so much of this stuff came back again. Maybe it's just my subconsious telling me to pick up the pace with transition. There is so much more I've got left to do, I'm nowhere near having everything done I want. The next thing I badly need to do is try to get my name changed. I've been too scared to try so far, that and I had no clue at all how much it was going to cost me. But I've at least figured about 100 bucks or so in court fees, and I've gotten up the courage to go to the court house back home and ask for the paperwork. I'm scared as hell that this won't go through and I'll spend all that money for nothing. I live one of, if not the most, conservative county in the state. I doubt they've ever hsad to deal with anyone like me. I just hope that by some chance I get a sympathetic judge for the final word. All I really need to do is fill out the paperwork, then wait for a court date where it will hopefully be accepted and made legal. Anything that takes me anywhere near a court room scares the hell out of me. I don't know why, maybe it's the fear that the people who are supposed to protect my rights might work harder to take them away if they know about me. It wouldn't be the first case of that happening to a TG person. At the very least they could make life harder on me than it already is. I hope I'm wrong though, more than anything. If I can get my name changed it will make trying to get a job so much easier on me, I hope. At least then I won't have to worry about having an obvious guy name. Sage is a unisex name after all. I'm hoping that works in my favor with the court too. I just want the freedom to use my new name in any situation. It's embarassing as hell getting into a bar or club right now. Anyone who looks at my ID with my old guy picture with short hair can tell what's going on. I'm open about myself, but I don't want anyone, even a complete stranger to figure it out that way. It makes me feel even more awkward than usual. Going anywhere I have to show my ID is about the only time I'm really self concious about myself. I'm just tired of it I guess. Even the people at my pharmacy have to know what's going on. I mean I go in there dressed as a girl, and ask to get a prescription filled with a guys name on it, for estrogen. I'm always the one who picks it up, so they have to have assumed it's for me by now. Not that they're rude to me about it or anything. No one has even mentioned anything about it to me when I'm there, and I get that feeling like they don't really care, which is a relief to me. I guess I just want my personal life to stay personal, and not have a stupid name let it all out in the open. I'm not depressed or anything right now, even though I have been battling that a lot lately. I guess I just want to do more with my life, and I've promised myself I will. Oh and thanks Lori, for all the comments you leave me. I know I don't get back to on them much, but I do appreciate them. It's nice to know someone reads this and cares.