It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Miss My Mom

I haven't so much as spoken to her in about 2 months. I've tried calling, but she never picks up, or never calls me back. She only lives maybe a mile from me, but yet she can't even pick up a phone or stop by and see me once in 2 months. Well actually it's been more like 4 or 5 months since I've seen her in person. It just seems like every time we talk there's an argument. She got to meet my boyfriend and the whole time she was using my guy name pronouns. It was humiliating because his friend was there too. They both know about me, but it was embarassing still. It hurts sometimes to know that she doesn't accept me. It hurts even more when she doesn't even seem to give a damn about me. I wonder if she even cares. She of all people I wanted to accept me, and I thought for so long that she had. But once it was obvious I wasn't going to turn back, she rejected me. She supported me when she thought I would grow out of being TG, she treated it like it was just a joke. She still does. My boyfriend's family cares more about me than my own most of the time. They care if I'm happy or not, my family just checks every now and then to make sure I'm alive. My grandparents are doing better, but that's about it. Silence hurts just as much as hateful comments sometimes. In fact it hurts even more, because at least when I'm being insulted they're speaking to me. When they're not, it just shows indifference. But this is about my mom, not the rest of my family. I do have to give them credit for trying though. I just wish my mom would too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I know I'm a day late writing anything about this. I had a pretty busy day yesterday, and when I finally had free time I broke down crying after watching a few videos on youtube. It was a pretty emotional night for me, I wouldn't really say I broke down though. That's a bit exagerated, more like just watched in silence and kept a straight face, but couldn't help letting the tears out. The day of remembrance means a lot to me, it makes me feel lucky just to be alive. And it also makes me despise those who would take our lives, just because we're different than them. I say the whole month of November should be dedicated to LGBT people. It sickens me to see so many people who have been killed in the last year alone, and to know the numbers are rising. It scares the hell out of me to know that anyone in the TG community has a 1 in 12 chance of being killed. I'm not sure just how accurate that is, but it's scary none the less. There's so much hate in this world, and it's killing our brothers, sisters, friends, wives, and husbands, it's riddiculous. I try not to dwell on it being a day of mourning though. I see it as a day of action just as much. It angers me to know how little attention is payed to these murders. Even if I never knew them, we had being transgendered in common, and that's enough reason for me to care. It makes me happy to see how this day unites so many of us. Because I see that as the first step towards fighting for our rights. I won't their deaths be in vain, because I will do everything I can to educate people about trans issues. I will continue to be publicly open about myself, out of shear defiance to any hate mongers who think they can dictate my life. I have never been physically harmed for being TG, but I've taken quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse from others over it. I hope I never experience anything more than that, because I feel sorry for the SOB who fucks with me. I will not become another name on a computer screen, or a statistic. I will fight with every breath left in my body to survive, and I will not stop until justice is done. I know that may be a bit unusual to say in regards to something like this, but it's how I feel. I hope and pray that I am never attacked, but I do swear to go down fighting should I ever be, and if I'm lucky I'll take them with me. Sorry, that was my angry rant. Anyway, don't let them have died in vain. Keep being yourselves, and educate those who need to be, those are our most powerful weapons against hatred. Dare to be you, demand your equality, and accept nothing less.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Encouraging Myself

I guess I could use some encouragement right now, most of all from myself. I've gotten back into the habit of putting myself down when stuff doesn't work out the way I expected it to for me. It's a bad habit I've had for a long time. I was getting pretty good at being my own encouragement for a while, it's just getting harder lately. That's not to say I've given up, I've just gotten too pessamistic about everything. I'm expecting too much to go wrong, and I can tell it's having an effect on me. So last night I decided to sit down and write something good about myself, just to try and comfort myself as much as possible. Here it is.

"Sometimes I love being TS so much. Don't get me wrong, it's no walk in the park, but I just love what hormones are doing to me. It's amazing sometimes just to look at my own body and see how it's changed. How much softer my skin is, and just how much more feminine I feel, is just awesome. I can't think of anything better to describe it. It all feels so right. I can't help but feel so grateful for just being able to do this. My body isn't perfect, and I never really expect it to be. All I want is satisfaction with it. Each day I stay on this path, the closer to that satisfaction I find myself. Just having the ability to do this is awe inspiring to me still, despite having been on hormones for nearly a year and a half. I have my bad days and my good ones, but overall, I wouldn't do things any differently if I had the chance. In fact doing it sooner is the one thing that I would change. It's an experience I almost feel blessed to go through at times, and other cursed. However, I am happy, more than I have ever been in my life."

Needless to say that made me feel better afterwards. It's tough to keep going with transition sometimes, especially when things get frustrating. I guess with thanksgiving and everything coming up it really made me think just how much I do have to be thankful for, in spite of all the shit I have to go through at times. I realized that I needed to think more of the things going right in my life instead of dwelling on the bad. It made me see just much the good outweighed the bad. That really helped to pull me out of the depression I was going back into. My biggest feeling right now though, is that I will not give up. I'm tempted so many times to just stop all of this, but I realize that's just fear and frustration. I know deep down inside this is what I want to do, and I swear I will make it all happen. From name change to SRS, I will do it, because it's my dream.

Monday, November 17, 2008

An Update

It's been a while since I posted anything on here. I just can't seem to find time to post much lately. If it's not one thing it's another. But I thought I'd try to give an update on how things are going for me. Everything is fine right now, but I've had more problems than I knew how to deal with. Me and my boyfriend have been having a lot of problems between us. We almost broke up, but we've both agreed to try and fix things now. I still haven't gotten things started for changing my name. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not getting it done by now. My only real obsticle is that I don't have reliable transportation to get to the court house and ask for everything. Otherwise I'm perfectly capable of doing it. I've been depressed some the last few days about it. My grandparents won't take me, and my only friend that has a drivers license lost it for 60 days. So I might have to wait until after christmas to do it at this rate. I haven't really tried to convince my grandparents to take me yet, but I guess it's worth a try. They've managed to surprise me a lot lately. The day I got home from my boyfriend's they had bought me a sweater and a coat. A girls sweater and coat at that. I couldn't believe it. The coat didn't fit so we had to take it back, but that gave a whole other shock. They asked me to come with them when they went to take it back so I could pick something else out. That was kind embarassing being with them in the store though. They refused to call me Sage, or refer to me as a girl, so it was kind of humiliating with other people around. I swear every time they used my guy name I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I noticed a few people starring and it made me snap at them a bit about it, and I thought we were going to end up leaving without getting anything. It turned out alright though. They got me a 50 dollar coat, it was the only I liked that fit me, and they got it for me anyway even thought I said they didn't need to spend that much on me. Then we went to walmart and they told me to go pick out an outfit of clothes and they would get them for me as a christmas present. I never expected any of it. Apparently they were concerned that I didn't have enough warm clothes for the winter. Whatever is going on with them I like it. I even convinced my grandma to teach me how to sew today, so now I can fix stuff on my clothes if I need to. It's been kind of a mix of things going on. I guess in a way some things have gotten better, while others have just stayed the same. Unless I can get my grandparents to take me to the court house tomorrow then my name change is going to have to wait until next month. I'm going back to my boyfriend's on Wednesday. I also need to find out from my bank how easy it will be to change the name on my account, or what exactly I need to do for it. I want to do that before I get it changed to avoid any possible problems. I guess it's going to be more complicated than I thought. Oh well, I'm past the point of no return, so I'm not giving up on it. I guess I at least have the progress with my family to be thankful for.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Doing Better

I'm doing a lot better than I was before. I haven't touched a single drop of alcohol since. Almost a week now. I actually started taking tylenol and a mix of pain killers every day for a bit, but that only lasted a few days and I managed to stop that too. I don't know what's been going lately why so much of this stuff came back again. Maybe it's just my subconsious telling me to pick up the pace with transition. There is so much more I've got left to do, I'm nowhere near having everything done I want. The next thing I badly need to do is try to get my name changed. I've been too scared to try so far, that and I had no clue at all how much it was going to cost me. But I've at least figured about 100 bucks or so in court fees, and I've gotten up the courage to go to the court house back home and ask for the paperwork. I'm scared as hell that this won't go through and I'll spend all that money for nothing. I live one of, if not the most, conservative county in the state. I doubt they've ever hsad to deal with anyone like me. I just hope that by some chance I get a sympathetic judge for the final word. All I really need to do is fill out the paperwork, then wait for a court date where it will hopefully be accepted and made legal. Anything that takes me anywhere near a court room scares the hell out of me. I don't know why, maybe it's the fear that the people who are supposed to protect my rights might work harder to take them away if they know about me. It wouldn't be the first case of that happening to a TG person. At the very least they could make life harder on me than it already is. I hope I'm wrong though, more than anything. If I can get my name changed it will make trying to get a job so much easier on me, I hope. At least then I won't have to worry about having an obvious guy name. Sage is a unisex name after all. I'm hoping that works in my favor with the court too. I just want the freedom to use my new name in any situation. It's embarassing as hell getting into a bar or club right now. Anyone who looks at my ID with my old guy picture with short hair can tell what's going on. I'm open about myself, but I don't want anyone, even a complete stranger to figure it out that way. It makes me feel even more awkward than usual. Going anywhere I have to show my ID is about the only time I'm really self concious about myself. I'm just tired of it I guess. Even the people at my pharmacy have to know what's going on. I mean I go in there dressed as a girl, and ask to get a prescription filled with a guys name on it, for estrogen. I'm always the one who picks it up, so they have to have assumed it's for me by now. Not that they're rude to me about it or anything. No one has even mentioned anything about it to me when I'm there, and I get that feeling like they don't really care, which is a relief to me. I guess I just want my personal life to stay personal, and not have a stupid name let it all out in the open. I'm not depressed or anything right now, even though I have been battling that a lot lately. I guess I just want to do more with my life, and I've promised myself I will. Oh and thanks Lori, for all the comments you leave me. I know I don't get back to on them much, but I do appreciate them. It's nice to know someone reads this and cares.