It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Why Should I Take it?

I hate putting bad news up on here two days in a row, but something new went down today. My boyfriend is begining to think that he may be transsexual as well, and he wanted to go to his psychologist appointment today dressed as a girl. I encouraged him to do it, I mean it's his happiness that I care about. Then when he mentions it to his mom, she tells him not to, because his step dad will get pissed off. This brings me to telling the big picture. His step dad doesn't like seeing him dressed up, and has actually gotten into fights with my boyfriend in the past over it. He doesn't want to talk about it, and has said there's no way he's letting it happen. He accepts me just fine as I am, and knows all about me. Can you say double standard? I can be myself in this house, but my boyfriend can't!? His mom is fine with everything, and even says she understands. However, when his step dad gets pissed she's suddenly on his side, even after expressing how much she hates the way he feels about it. Hippocritical much? I'm just tired of it, I can't fucking stand it. I feel like shit knowing that I'm allowed to be myself and he's not. His step dad as even said that if he was just gay there would be no problem. What the fuck? That's all that crossed my mind when I heard that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of this. I can't accept it going on, but at te same time, if I refuse to come here, I can't see my boyfriend anymore. I started to do that earlier, but I don't think that will solve the problem. Personally, I'd like to get all 4 of us together in the same place and talk this through, but I have no idea how well that's going to work. Maybe talking to them individually would have a better result. I've got a few other ideas for things I can do to show my disgust though. From now on, I'm only doing what's asked of me around here, and nothing more. I've been doing more than my share of chores lately, so from now on I'll clean up my messes and nothing more. Also, I'm pulling a hunger strike type thing. As long as he can't walk around this house anytime dressed as he wants, I will not eat while his step dad is around. If he can't do something he needs to do around him, then neither can I. I support the people I love, as long as I know what they're doing is right. He's going through so many of the same issues I have, and I can't stand to just sit back and watch as his own family does this to him. I feel like I can't be me around here either. It's almost like I've traded life of unacceptance for another. I'm not accepted as a girl by my own family, any my past as a guy isn't accepted here. I'm not still a guy, but it's part of my past, and I feel like I'm only accepted here because no one knows who I used to be. It's almost like reverse discrimination. It goes against everything I'm fighting for, all my beliefs and principals, and I'll be dammed if I'll turn a blind eye to it. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just really needed to vent about this.

1 comment:

Lori D said...

I do my best to try and read up on your stuff. It's interesting that his stepdad doesn't have an issue with you being trans, but he doesn't want your BF to be more than "just gay." I've never seen that before.

I think you'll probably need to create distance from them until the heavy emotions subside. Either way, I hope you can figure it all out while showing your love and support for the one you love.